Something is eating my lunch so I thought I would just spill my guts right here for all of you to read.
Every single day, and I do mean every single day, Ella prays for two people by name. She starts at least 90% of her meal time prayers with, "Dear God, thank you for _________ and __________." The names that would fill in those blanks happen to be our foster daughter's parents. She loves L and she loves her parents.
I can be found sitting next to her thinking, "Oh, good grief. Just thank God for our food and say amen. Why do you need to pray for them at every meal? Must we think about them while we eat our chicken casserole???"
Welcome to my ugly inner thoughts.
The night before we picked L up from the hospital, we huddled up before bed time and prayed for her and her parents. We asked God to help them overcome their struggles so they could be with their baby again. We asked God to use us to help her feel loved and safe in our home. There was vigilance in the beginning when it came to loving all three of them and honoring her parents with our words. We even took the kids with us to L's first visit with her mom. We wanted them to know her as a real person, not competition. To help ease the awkwardness and bridge the gap, we had them bring some flowers and a care package to give her when we met. It was hard and emotional but God opened hearts on every side as we extended love in that small tangible way. She received it and our kids liked her.
How about that? God answered our prayers.
As time goes on it's hard to keep that kind of fervor. It's been a roller coaster for my heart. I have loved her parents deeply along the way, but this case has been long and I have no idea when it will end. We're not close, that's all I really know. The ball is totally in her parent's court. We are moving toward adoption but it guarantees nothing. It could all change again. Uncomfortable meetings happen every month and I can't lie, I'm nervous about November. What is usually the most celebratory month in the entire year for our family, because of our anniversary and numerous birthdays, I face with some amount of dread this year. We will turn the page of this story and meet her parents once again. Except this time she has been with us for much longer than she was with them.
She calls us mommy and daddy now.
We know her likes and dislikes. What know what makes her laugh and what makes her scared. For 16 months we have fed her every meal, gave her every bath, changed every diaper, put her to bed every night, endured every screaming fit, taken a million pictures of her smile that lights up a room, cheered her on when she started to crawl, waited anxiously for her to take her first steps, heard her say her first words, held her in the middle of the night, spent hours at court dates, meetings, and doctor visits. Not only us, but a whole village of people have loved her like their own.
We are her people.
A lot of time has gone by without them around. I have worked through bonding issues (that I might talk about someday), I have struggled with whether or not I am really cut out for having so many kids (hahaha...too late!), I've been tired and at my end on more occasions than I can remember, and now find myself rounding a corner where I feel a deeper peace with our family dynamic than I have in a long time. I get to enjoy it for about 6 weeks and then everything will change again.
When we started down this road I didn't think about all of this when we taught our kids to pray for her mom and dad. And now every time they pray we get confronted with whether or not that is where our hearts really are anymore.
Do I wish we had never taught them to care about her parents? Honestly, deep down the answer is NO. An important truth we want our kids to know is that when they see someone making bad choices it doesn't make them our enemy. Is there anything more natural, even from childhood, than to vilify people who sin in different ways than us, though? Every time I walk away from venting sessions with other foster parents I never feel any better. I gain nothing but conviction. How can I be honest about my feelings without sinning against them? I don't know. I don't know how to love someone who is really selfish and/or has harmed a child. A fresh reminder of this came last night when some of my friends came across a toddler being loosely supervised by middle schoolers in nothing but a dirty diaper and flea bites all over his body. One of my friends had to remove a flea from his little head. THIS IS NOT OKAY. My justice seeking self wants to investigate the situation, while assuming the worst, and take him home with me on the spot. It doesn't work that way, in case you're wondering. This is also why I needed to marry someone like Jeff who would say, "Whoa. Hold the train for just a sec." Caring about his parents is not my first instinct by a long shot. Except for those rare moments when God moves in my heart and does what He does.
So, here is part of the rub in foster care. Can we love a child well and not love their biological parent? You guys, this is difficult terrain. Some would argue that our job as foster parents is to love the kids in our care and that is good enough. That alone can bring us to the the brink of emotional collapse in some cases. I do not disagree that our main job is to love the kids in our care.
We shouldn't gloss over poor choices, neglect consequences, or tiptoe around sin, especially when it affects the vulnerable. The problem I am having is that Jesus is super bossy and doesn't bend His words to fit my circumstances. I can't get around His words to me when it comes to the posture of my heart, even in the face of cruelty and selfishness. I hear Him tell me to act on behalf of the widow and orphan bravely in a spirit of humility and grace. Some choices have grave consequences, and they should, but the second we forget the depth of our own need for grace we are in the weeds. We need grace as much as the next person, even on our best day. Sometimes, we also need firm consequences and accountability. Myself included.
Foster care can be a hard place to remember grace, though.
It's really easy to elevate our own morality. When I hold myself up to the drug addict, physically abusive, or negligent parent I always seem to come out on top. I forget where the verse is that says we should find our righteousness by comparing ourselves to someone whose sin is "worse." Help me out, someone. {It's non-existent in case you didn't catch my sarcasm.}
Our kids don't know all of the details, so maybe it's easier for them to love. Jeff and I have joked in moments when we feel convicted by their prayers, "WHATEVER. They don't know what we know."
But what we actually know is that God is using them to remind us of the truth. Kids are just better at forgiveness and loving without caveats, if we're really honest with ourselves. They forgive me without hesitation when I ask them for it. If parenting has taught me anything, it's how much I need forgiveness and grace. Oh my word, I need it.
Sometimes the student becomes the teacher.
On days when her parents haven't even crossed my mind, or I'd rather not try anymore, one of the kids will pray for their good. Here are some of the prayers that I hear on any given night.
Dear God, please help _________ and __________ to make gooder choices.
Dear God, thank you for ________ and __________.
Dear God, please teach _________ and ___________ to love you.
Dear God, please help __________ and ___________ to get out of _____ soon so they can see L.
Dear God, I hope __________ and ___________ have a good weekend.
Dear God, please let __________ and ___________ get out of _____ because it will be weally important.
Dear God, please let ___________ and ___________ get more pictures of L. (I crack one eye open to see if Avery is staring at me while she prays that and think, "Gee, I wonder how will God answer that prayer?)
I cannot get away from it. God wants me to love her mom and dad. I don’t know exactly how to do that when it seems that they are not dealing in reality. I want to throw my hands up when they won't be honest about their choices or take responsibility for them. We disagree about the permanency plan for L. HOW DO WE DO THIS?
I see the face of a 15 year old girl in my mind. I see her sitting next to me on her bed with tears in her eyes. She struggles with finding redemption in her story. She feels the animosity we have toward her biological parents that she doesn't even remember. She wonders how we could love her when we hate where she came from. Her worth depletes in her heart every time they come up in conversation. She cannot separate herself from that part of who she is. She thinks she must be like them in some ways. Is she not worth loving?
I weep at this thought, and I need to think about it.
Someway, somehow, I have to find my way to a posture of humility before God that acknowledges how holy and beautiful and perfect He is...and that I am nothing without him. I am bankrupt. I have nothing in my pockets to offer as even a down payment for the grace I need. I have as much to offer Him as a broken drug addict. We all need the same grace. He levels the playing field. I want to love her parents and want their good, while also wanting L's good. These things do not always look like the same thing. I want to see with God's eyes and love them with His love, always. I want to see the good, or even the hints of potential that I can tell her about years down the road. The fiery spirit that may be disastrous in her mom can be such an amazing quality in her life under the leadership of the Holy Spirit.
Would you pray for Jeff and I? At the end of the day, what we really need is to be filled and led by the Spirit of the One who made us and called us to be His own. Only He can do in us what He wants to do through us. It is a wonderful and painful gift to be put in such an obvious place of dependence. I know that only HE can do what He is asking of us...but HE CAN DO IT. He is more than able.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. |
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
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