When Grace Is Really All You Have

Imagine that about a year ago you accepted a foster care placement to help a little boy with special needs.  Excited and nervous you wanted to do it, and you quickly fell in love with him.  You felt sure that God had called you to do this.  You weren't getting much sleep because this sweet kid needed you to take care of him in the night and you also had responsibilities during the day that you couldn't ignore.  Life keeps moving and people expect you to show up for work, doctors' appointments, meetings, and meals.   You don't always get to check out of normal life, even under stressful circumstances.  Your exhaustion was real, but you never doubted it was worth it and you knew it would only be this hard for a time.

Then, one day, you were driving with your foster son in your back seat and missed a stop sign.  Your eyes were open.  You weren't distracted by your phone.  You were just tired and your senses weren't operating like they should.  You got t-boned and the little boy in your back seat who you had sacrificed so much to help was now seriously injured.  

You feel helpless and guilty and completely responsible.  You were the one driving.  You wish with all of your heart that you could rewind the clock and just put your foot on the brake.  How did this happen???  You've never even had a speeding ticket.  It's a bad dream you wish you could wake up from.

Suddenly, you find yourself at the center of attention.  Local media had a slow day and caught wind of the story.  People who don't know you or your foster son suddenly care deeply about his well being.  They all jump on the self righteous band wagon with their comments that read...

"How horrible! I hope that person pays for what they've done!"

"How do people like this become foster parents?  Our system is so screwed up!   Prayers for that little boy." (This is my personal favorite...condemnation followed by "prayers")

"I hope they take that child away!"

"Children deserve to be in loving homes with adults that will take care of them.  How irresponsible."

"This makes me sick."

"I bet they were texting and driving.  This makes me so angry."

None of these people know anything about the circumstances.  They don't know you.  They have no idea what it has been like over the last several months when you have been up in the night over and over, feeding, changing, holding, singing to, praying over this precious one.  You LOVE this child and hurt more than anyone over what has happened.  If you could take it back or trade places, you would do in an instant.  

IT WAS A MISTAKE.

The world is cruel and people can be unmerciful.  We can all be arrogant when others make a mistake and think "we would never..."

Over the last month I watched one of my friends get raked over the coals for a mistake that she made.  In the midst of following God to a hard place and putting so much on the line, she made an honest mistake.  She immediately owned it, everyone was okay, but it was the sort of mistake that had consequences.  If it would have been her own kid no one would have even known it happened.  

In foster care, so much of what you do is under a microscope.  

When kids fall off their bike and get scraped up, fall off the chair and get a knot on their head, cut their finger and need stitches...you take pictures, report it to your caseworker, talk about it at the next meeting, and deal with whatever judgement other people may have about how it happened or could have been avoided.  You may have to sit across from their bio parents and swallow your pride while they express their anger toward you.  

You didn't imagine the day that you would be asking for their forgiveness.  

I appreciate accountability.  This is the way it has to be, but it's also really really hard.

In foster care, and other times in life, we are exposed and laid bare before people who don't even know us.  People who live in the public eye deal with this constantly.  They are more vulnerable to rumors and judgement. 

My mom has one of those mirrors that lights up and has two sides.  One side is normal and the other side is magnified.  She bought it precisely for those features.  I, however, never want to see myself in so much detail under bright lights.  It's frightening.  Why would I want to see my acne (in my 30s...seriously???), and fine lines that are appearing all over my face.  WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?  

Sometimes that is how the rest of the world gets to see us.  Our mistakes are viewed under bright lights and appear larger than everyone else's.  It doesn't seem fair, and the story that's told is rarely accurate.

While perfect strangers malign our character on Facebook and we can do nothing to make it stop, what will we do?  Crawl in a hole and never come out?

Have you ever stood face to face with someone who gets to decide whether or not your mistake or your sin is forgivable?


What do we do with a mistake that others aren't willing to forgive?   

What happens if Jesus is the only one left standing there with grace?

I have really been thinking about this after watching someone I love have to deal with a similar reality.  Because I love her, I have felt her anguish.  

It has reminded me of the times in my life when I have felt completely unworthy of forgiveness.  I remember how raw those moments of vulnerability and weakness feel.  It caused my heart to run to the one place where undeserved grace, mercy, and love was demonstrated in fullness and perfection.  The cross.  Not one sin was left unanswered for at the cross of Christ.  There is not one mistake that the grace God demonstrated through Christ doesn't cover...completely.  

I can promise you this.  When Jesus seems to be the only one left standing with grace in His hands instead of a stone you will want to run with abandon into His arms.  His grace will never mean more to you than on that day.  

On our worst day.  On our best day.  This is exactly how much we need His grace.  

When His grace becomes the only thing we've got to make it through the day and not give in to despair, we will finally understand what He means to us.  EVERYTHING.  We are bankrupt without Him.  

When is the last time you felt this desperate for Him?

When we come to the place where His grace has given us true liberty from our sin and freedom to not be defined by our mistakes, we will also see the people around us differently.  We will be quick to extend grace, give the benefit of the doubt, and be generous with second chances.  We will be less inclined to make hasty judgements about others when we read the headlines or hear whispers.  

When grace is all we have, grace is what we want to give. 

Whether we find ourselves struggling to forgive someone else or struggling to forgive ourselves, we must remember this:  His grace is sufficient.  Let's own our mistakes, confess our sins, surrender ourselves to Him, and trust that He meant what He said.  Freedom awaits.  Why wouldn't we run into His arms to receive this kind of love?  Nothing compares.  

 Love unfailing.  

Grace unending. 

/ / / /

 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-- yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:5-16

/ / / /

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.  At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”  “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”  When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:3-12

Seven Things I've Learned So Far This Year

I got connected with some fellow bloggers recently.  Someone asked if we would want to write a post on the same topic for fun, and to help pull some of us out of a writing slump.  I decided to give it a whirl.  I've never done a list post. Someone is probably gagging right now because they hate list posts (I understand. So sorry.)

For everyone else, I present to you...

Seven Things I've Learned So Far This Year

1) Parenthood and The West Wing are the best shows of all time.  

I realize that is a matter of opinion, but they would have to be contenders.  I mourned for days when Parenthood ended last year.  Why in the world would NBC cancel it?  The only plus is that it doesn't consume an hour of my life every week.  I have never watched a show that made my heart connect to the characters like this one did.  I cried and laughed and I will love the Braverman family forever.

The West Wing was brilliantly written, quick witted, and engaging.  President Bartlett made me long for a leader that will govern with conviction, conscience, and lead with vision.  I loved CJ, Josh, Toby, and Sam. This is an older series, but I was too busy being a college student when it originally aired.  If you're looking for a series to watch, I highly recommend it!

2) My metabolism hates me.  

So, I am fine.  I am not wallowing in despair.  I just think there comes a time when you have to decide if you're going to deal with what's happening in your life or live in denial.   My options seem to be:

a) Eat healthy, deny myself dessert (and most foods I love), and stay exactly where I am.

OR...

b) Eat what I want and keep gaining weight.

I have chosen (b) over the last year and half.  I just want to stop the train before it gets out of hand.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would really try to wean myself off of refined sugar and flour.  I fasted from all such things for about two weeks.  I virtually saw no change.  This went way differently in my twenties.  Over the course of a few months I shed 20 pounds with healthy eating and moderate exercise a decade ago.  Now in my thirties, my metabolism mocks my efforts.

Jeff joined me (except he still ate dessert and had cheat meals, if you can call that joining me) and he confessed yesterday that he lost a few pounds.   He didn't want to tell me because he knows how unfair it is.  He wanted to keep me from feeling more frustrated, bless his heart. I told him that I still hate his guts.  I kid. 

3) Sending my second kid to school was as hard as the first. 

I felt exactly the same about Avery going to kindergarten as I did when Micah went.  She is 9 months younger than some kids in her class which feels like a big gap.  I worried about whether or not it was a good decision.  To my surprise, our fragile flower has blossomed with confidence.  She has no problem confronting problems with other kids.  Now we just need to work on her delivery.  Sass is not well received, in case you didn't know.

4) I strangely feel at home with people who are seriously a mess, addicts in particular.  

Let me explain.  My experience is still limited but the thing that I "love" about the addicts I have interacted with (which have all been in one particular demographic) is that they know they're a mess and you can freely ask them whatever you want.  I have not been met with defensiveness yet.   

They lie about the story but tell the truth about themselves.

They will tell you the wildest lie and then admit their criminal record in the next breath.  If you have discernment, you can generally put the big pieces together and see what the real story is behind the one they are telling.  They don't bat an eye when you ask them if they have any warrants out or past convictions (I ask because that might be the real reason they "can't get a job.")   They don't get angry when you very kindly remind them that the reason their mouth is in so much pain is because they keep using meth, which then makes them want to use more meth to deal with the pain, but if they continue to use meth they will lose all of the teeth they have left....SO STOP TREATING IT LIKE A FRIEND.  (How about that run on sentence?) They will still lie and their expectations of what they think others should do for them doesn't follow any logic.  It's just the one thing that I can appreciate about interacting with them.

I'm a question asker, and while that makes guarded/normal people nervous, I feel complete freedom with them.  Addicts don't protect their image or heart the way most of us do.  We are more sophisticated.  We often want to protect how people perceive us.

We will tell the truth about the story but lie about ourselves.

Their lens through which they see the world is so different.  It's whack, but for whatever reason, I get it.  At least they're honest about what a mess they are.

5) Traveling with four kids is so hard it's barely worth it.  

OH MY WORD.  We had fun last summer but I did more traveling alone with the kids and it almost did me in.  L graduated to the toddler stage and is living up to every expectation you probably have of tots.  If there is something not child proofed in your house she will find it, climb it, open it, eat it, get into it, tear it up, take it apart.  She also hates, and I DO mean hates, riding in a vehicle when it's dark.  This aversion combined with her screaming/hitting phase almost made me lose my mind and hand in my parent card over the summer.  I have learned that screaming triggers big feelings for me a lot more than it does for Jeff.  The older kids can push his buttons more quickly with arguing.  So let's just say there were a lot of buttons being pushed all summer while we traveled together.  Van rides, sleeping in dorm rooms, sleeping on air beds in the same room on a church floor, hotels, using gym showers, public restrooms, eating out a lot, and a very random routine did not produce the best version of ourselves.  Maybe next summer will be easier.  Or maybe we'll stay home.  Probably neither.

6) I'm an introvert.

I'm just now realizing this.  I have carried massive mother guilt for not enjoying certain parts of this season of life more.  I am deeply thankful for the family I have, I just struggle with parts of it.  I recharge by being alone, one on one time with people, and when it's quiet.  This is why I feel like everything is closing in and my life is being sucked right out of me when there is a lot of noise and I have to be "on" constantly.  Days when there is no break from it are super hard.

For so long I wondered why I feel such dread about social gatherings where you are supposed to mingle and get to know people.  The "get to know you" games give me so much anxiety.  I always thought something must me wrong with me or that everyone feels this way.  Neither are true.

I LOVE meeting up with a couple of people at the park or for coffee.  I don't even have to know them very well.  I am happy to have lots of people over to our house.  I love it actually.  I realized that we are all wired differently, and that's okay.  It helps me understand why I feel the way I do in certain situations and how to deal with it better.  I can't skip this stage of parenting and I can't avoid every large social gathering for the rest of my life.  I can let myself off the hook for how I feel about it and be more intentional about putting some alone time on the calendar.  I'm a better mom and human being when I do.

7) I love writing.

I feel weird typing those words.  I don't claim to be good at it.  I just like it a lot.  The truth is, I have found something so life giving by putting words on a screen and sharing them.  I used to have more time to give outlet to these words by frequent coffee hangouts with friends and leading small groups.  I can't do as much of that right now, and surprisingly, blogging has met a need to communicate my thoughts in a fun way.  I love hearing your feedback and getting to share encouragement with people I've never even met from time to time when the topic fits.  So, I admit it.  I love doing this.

If you made it to the end...congratulations!  I'm sorry, you don't win anything, but I appreciate your perseverance.  Thanks for reading about my weird discoveries over the last year.  What are some of yours?