More Than I Bargained For

 One decade ago. 

I have been married to this guy for 10 whole years now.  Don't judge, but we were in junior high when we got married.  We had to be.  My brain tells me I'm still in my twenties.  My denial bounces along, going about it's merry way until I look in the mirror.  Then I remember...oh yeah, I'm definitely in my thirties.  There are some things I miss about being that young but some things are better, healthier, and deeper than they were back then.  The trade off is actually worth it.  Don't tempt my flesh and try to sell me any anti-aging creams after you read this.  Stay focused here.  What I really want you to know is that next to following Jesus, marrying Jeff Carson is the best decision I have ever made.  I got way more than I bargained for on that day in 2004.  It has everything to do with the character of the man I married and a God who has not let us go.  It has nothing to do with a beautiful day that cost our parents a lot of money and all of us a lot of stress to plan.  Don't mistake that for ungratefulness.  I am so thankful for all that our parents gave to make that day happen and how they supported us.  This is my point...

In the grand scheme of life, that day was a blip on the screen.  I cannot convey how thankful I am for that.

Here is what I remember about our wedding day: It was good.  Our flowers and cake were beautiful.  But listen people who have not yet planned a wedding...can you imagine how difficult this task would be without Pinterest?  Digital photography wasn't on the scene yet either.  Pick your jaw up off the floor.  No one could edit the day to make it look a little more magical or me more beautiful/less shiny than I was.  Can you fathom this?  I kid.  The real story is that there was a mishap during our vows where someone might have passed out (I regret that our wedding video no longer plays for that reason alone).  I'm pretty sure we didn't get access to the reception hall as early as expected to set up (it's a little fuzzy now) and some details hadn’t been thought through by yours truly, which made parts of the day a bit chaotic, and even lonely.  The whole day had been laden with expectation, as is normal for your wedding day, and some of the details just came up a little short. Unmet expectations about life could probably describe most of my 20’s.  I lost a good part of a decade to that.  Don't be like me.

Honestly, the most magical part of the day happened when we walked into the hotel lobby and perfect strangers began to clap and cheer.  A random guy also gave us $20 to see his favorite movie.  We totally didn’t see it.  Sorry man, but we were really really grateful for the 20 bucks.  We were so broke. The reason it felt so magical was because it was unexpected.  I didn't expect anything awesome when we walked through the doors to the hotel lobby.  It is a sweet memory.

Regardless of how the details played out….WE WERE MARRIED.  Mission accomplished. 

Our honeymoon was spectacular.  We were rookie travelers.  I was selling Mary Kay for extra money at the time (which ironically sent me into more debt than I was already in) and had “won” a free cruise to the Bahamas.  We were poor so it was our only chance at any sort of tropical getaway.  Our cruise was actually a day trip from Miami to the Bahamas on a boat that hadn’t been updated since the 70's.  At dinner we sat with an older British couple who had also won this free trip somehow.  The husband said, “Accepting this prize is one of the worst decisions we've ever made.  This isn’t a cruise.  It’s a ferry boat ride.”  You could hear the proverbial air coming out of the balloon he just popped.  Thank you for that boost in morale.  It made it harder for us to pretend like this was everything we hoped it would be.  We were not comfortable enough to laugh about things like that yet.  When we arrived in the Bahamas it was like a ghost town.  A hurricane had ripped through the island about a month prior to our arrival.  The bottoms of the trees were black like they had been set on fire.  Many shops and restaurants were still closed.  We chose not to upgrade our trip so we had to take a bus ride if we actually wanted to visit the beach. I got sick with a bladder infection and we had to cancel our snorkeling excursion…our only excursion…a non-refundable excursion.  I felt crappy, couldn’t go to a doctor, and we found ourselves eating pb&j sandwiches in our room after we walked to the local Winn Dixie.  Super dreamy.

By far the biggest highlight of our trip was the night we tried to go out to dinner.  My memory is fuzzy about how we got from our hotel to the restaurant, but all I know is we had no transportation back to the hotel once we got there.  Maybe it’s because we had no way of calling a cab and there was no electricity in this joint.  It was dark when we walked in.  People were in there but the kitchen was clearly out of order.  We were hungry and determined to not eat pb&j sandwiches in our room.  So, of course, when the guy with a 15 passenger van offered to give us a ride to another restaurant we saw no “good and logical” reason to say no.  We hopped right in and put our lives in the hands of this stranger in a land far from home with no way to call for help.  God, please make our kids smarter than us.  How we didn’t end up on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries is a modern day miracle.  He dumped us off unharmed at another restaurant.  We walk in to this place and there is not another soul to be found dining there.  The owner greets us and seats us at our table.  There was no music in the background to lessen the awkwardness, only us having a whisper tone conversation.  I am pretty sure she may have cooked our meal after we ordered it, because she disappeared for a long time until she came back with our food.  The best part?  When we finished eating she locked the place up and gave us a ride back to our hotel.  We pretty much went to a stranger's house for dinner.  I still die laughing on the inside when I think about this.  It was not exactly the trip of our dreams.  We were pretty ready to just get back home and do normal life together. 

Our normal life was awesome.  We were living in Houston, Texas and neither one of us had a job.  That's a good start, right?  I quickly got hired at a YMCA doing after school care 20 hours a week.  That place was such a hole.  It was me and another girl in a trailer with 25 fifth graders for four hours every day with little to no plan.  Just torture for four hours every day.  It was dreadful and I would come home crying on some days.  I did not miss my calling as a teacher.  Jeff was feverishly looking for a full time job which was yielding no success.  I ended up going back to Starbucks (for an increase in pay…not kidding) and Jeff started working at Lowes.  

We were living on love and wedding money.  Thankfully our love outlasted the wedding money.  

We made some good memories our first year.  We got to enjoy some fun things in Houston and could spend our free time however we wanted.  Those days are over. :)   The flip side of our first year included joblessness, financial struggle, a miscarriage, the loss of a cousin, job changes, and a move.  I struggled deeply with grief and should have gone to counseling, but I didn't have the guts to take the step and I didn't know how we would pay for it.  But you know who didn't run away or regret his decision to marry this mess?  Jeff Carson.  On days when I wasn't sure who I was anymore, he remembered for me.  He has been the picture of Christ's steadfast love in my life.  When I have struggled, he has listened, prayed, and been there.  He has proved his metal over and over.  I love him so much more now than my fluttering heart did 10 years ago.

I realize crazy things happen.  People get duped.  I am no marriage expert, but I can tell you what will help a marriage last...

Cling to God always and especially when it gets hard, even if you find yourself holding on by a thread.  

Know the character of the person you are marrying.  The testimony of Jeff Carson was consistent from friends, family, and what I observed when we were together.  I never had a doubt in the back of my mind about who he really was.  

Be vulnerable...laugh together and cry together, don't get numb.  If you start feeling that way, figure out why.

Be honest.  

Ask for forgiveness and give it generously.  

Have friends with good marriages that will encourage yours.  

Have a "yes" on the table to counseling if either one of you would ever say, "we/I need it."  We did cross that bridge a couple years ago and God rescued my heart once again, with Jeff right by my side.  

I love this man.  I don't claim that he is perfect or better than your husband if you're married.  I do claim that he was the best choice for me, and I had no idea how much I was getting that day in November when we said, "I do."  I am overwhelmed by the grace of God.  His presence in our life is the glue that has held us together.  I trust that He will continue to hold us until the day He calls us home.  I don't know what the days or years will look like in front of us but I know who I want to face them with.  So, as we cross the threshold of 10 years together we will keep doing what has worked and change it up when it doesn't. We will hold fast to our Constant.  We'll keep praying together, trusting God together, and we'll follow wherever He leads us hand in hand.  I could ask for no better running mate than the one I have in this man.

Here's to 10 years and God willing, many more...

Five Months Ago Today

I know reflection is important.  Writing things down is important too.  Joan Shaw, the wisest woman in our church, has said this over and over (I think I know where she got the idea).  I want to be like her when I grow up.  I'm just not very good at practicing this with pen on paper which is partially why I started a blog.  I know I have already forgotten moments that I wish I would have written down over the last five months.  It's been a little busy though.  SO, before it's too late I am going to do some reflecting today.  If you like picture books, this post will be right up your alley.

Five months ago today I was getting my hair done and looking forward to a boring weekend at home with the fam.  While I was in the the check out line I got a text from Jeff and a phone call from Children's Division.  Suddenly we were getting ready to bring a newborn home from the hospital the next day.  I can write that without ALL CAPS five months later.  I mean, what was the big deal?   Less than 24 hours later we met this little girl.

First time we laid eyes on her in that quiet hospital room.

Feeding L for the first time before we took her home.

Strapped in and coming home with us about 30 minutes after our introduction.

Taking a nap with Daddy C when we got home from the hospital.

On that day I had no idea that she was going to be the sweetest baby I have ever known.  I thought we may be buckling up for a wild ride of scary health issues and non-stop crying.

This is pretty much what she did the first three months.  I took her to the doctor at one point because all she was doing was eating, sleeping, and needing diaper changes.  READ: She was being too good.  I thought something had to be wrong.  Paranoid much? :)

I also had no idea how amazing our own kids would be.  I thought there would be a lot of emotional unrest while they got used to a baby being around.  I can only say one thing about how it all actually turned out...God had mercy on us.  All of us.  God answered the prayers of many who were lifting us up during that time with a resounding yes, and we give Him praise.  Our kids are nuts about her.  She has brought out the most tender and caring parts of them.  Don't get me wrong, they didn't get halos the day we brought her home (as highlighted in my last post), but there are moments that have made me stop and catch my breath.  I have to share a few of those.

The moment we got home with L and came upstairs, the girls wanted to sing Jesus Loves Me to her.  So they did.  It was precious. 

This is supposed to say, "Have a lovable hugable day."

Micah was a little disappointed when he found out we were getting another girl. Bless his heart. :)  I think it is safe to say that he got over it pretty quickly.  He was cranking these pictures out before he left for school only two days after she came to stay with us.

 Micah has probably amazed me the most.  She has drawn out compassion in him that I didn't know existed.  He has risen to the occasion of being a big foster brother.  When she first came home with us we talked to the kids about how our job was just to love love love this baby.  I told them that it was helping her little body and brain to heal and develop when we sing, talk to her, kiss her cheeks, hold her, and pray over her.  Micah took me seriously.  One day he was rubbing her head and talking to her when he looked up at me and said, "Is it working, Mom?"  I said, "YES. You can't see it but her little brain is growing and going like fireworks right now. You are doing a great job."

One day he wanted me to read him a letter from her mommy that we had received.  After much begging I gave in.  He disappeared out of the kitchen as soon as I was done reading and I thought he wasn't really interested anymore.  A few minutes later he came back in and said, "That letter makes me feel sad."  "It is sad," I told him.  He didn't have anything else to say about it, but he and Avery both seem to understand that she is with us because her mommy and daddy can't take care of her...and that is sad.  They know that kids are supposed to be with their mommy and daddy.  They love theirs, as imperfect as we are, and want L to be able to go home to hers.  On some days they feel bad for her mommy when we have to take her home with us after a visit.  They will pray for her randomly on days when my heart would like to harden towards her.  They treat her with respect and call her by name.  They acknowledge that she is L's mommy.  At our first visit we had Micah give her a bouquet of flowers when we came in.  I know that how our kids have treated her has made a significant impression on her and our caseworker.

Make no mistake, God uses kids.

In the beginning, both of the girls wanted to hold and feed her constantly.  Their baby dolls became obsolete because they now had a REAL one to play with.  Now that L is only ten pounds behind Ella and doesn't just lay there like a baby doll, the fascination is fading.  There is no shortage of kisses though.  I feel smothered on her behalf but she rarely seems to mind.  Ella has happily turned in her "Baby of the Family" title.  She has not been jealous at all and I am so proud of her.  One night on our way out to meet with our church she said, "I'm so glad we have a fostuh baby." During the first couple of months she would tell just about everyone we met, "We have a fostuh baby!"  People generally didn't get what she was saying without the "r" but they would smile at her anyway.  It made my heart glad to know how proud she is of L.

Side note:  Ella loves wearing her "cabe."  More commonly known as a cape or hooded towel. :)

Avery was born for this.  She has mastered mothering already, so this was the perfect occasion to use her expertise.  We have to remind her that unless someone is willingly pretending with her, she is not anyone's mother.  She herself has only been outside of the womb for 4 years but she is at least 24 in her own mind.  She is stubborn as all get out sometimes, overly emotional at moments, but care taking is so natural and intuitive to her.  It's amazing.  She sees the best in others.  Just this week when we were getting ready for L's visit with her mama Avery wanted to curl her hair.  "I bet L's mom will think I look so pretty."  L's mom didn't come to the visit and she got worried about her. She whispered in my ear,  "Mommy, maybe she is sick.  Tell ______(the caseworker) that she is sick."  Bless her heart.  I know that she is young and doesn't know what's going on, but I love her tender heart.  She also said later that day, "L is the cutest baby ever.  I just can't stop loving her!"

Avery thought that L was feeling left out so she pulled up a chair to play with her.  She wants everyone to feel included.  Don't mind the scuffle happening in the background.  Micah had been home three (too many) days from school that week with a fever and we had been misplaced from our home for a few days because our AC went out in August.  We were all handling it like champs.  Nothing but rainbows and sunshine... ;)

You should also know that L is rolling over, starting to eat cereal and putting her toes in her mouth these days.  She is doing fantastic.  She still spits up more than any baby I know, drools like crazy, and has the occasional blowout. She's just gotta keep up with Avery and Ella's 5+ wardrobe changes a day, ya know.  She smiles a lot, is awake a lot more during the day now, and sleeping an average of 11 hours a night (bless the Lord, oh my soul).  She is a super happy baby but when she does get mad that girl can scream.  She will be heard if she wants to be heard. :)

As far as foster care is concerned, this story is not the norm.  I have the utmost respect for those who say yes to babies and children who are struggling with health issues, trauma, neglect, and loss.  You are amazing.  May God strengthen you day by day.  This is just the story God has given us.  It has it's challenges and I feel maxed out on some days, but I am overwhelmed with God's kindness.  I still don't know what the outcome will be here, but I am thankful for the privilege of being a part of L's story, and her mom and dad's.  

We will keep doing our part and trust God with the rest.

So for now, just enjoy these toothless grins with us.

2 months old at the St. Louis Project.  

2 1/2 months old

4 1/2 months old....I'm BOOtiful.

The Non-Profile Pictures

For your entertainment, and because I know these will only get funnier as time goes on, I wanted to share some of the precious pictures that came from our short photo shoot with my sister last weekend.  Photographers who work with toddlers and children deserve every penny they get paid.  I'm so sorry Bri and Jennifer.  I know we still owe you for what we've put you through.  I will sell an organ one of these days and make it right.  Parents who survive photo shoots with their toddlers and children without injury to themselves or their children deserve a vacation.  This is yet to happen as well.  Instead, I settle for the joy of it "being over" and the hopes of just one (Dear God, PLEASE just one) good picture to help me forget the torture we just endured.

Kids, no matter how young, just know when it's coming.  They have a special radar that detects when there is about to be expectations placed on them to smile and look cute for a camera.  They can smell it a mile away.  When you pull out the nice clothes that coordinate with what everyone else is wearing, they wonder.  When I put on something nicer than yoga pants they really start to think something is up.   When I curl my hair, the flashing red lights and alarms sound in their heads.  Panic and rebellion begins.

This is how it goes for us.

Them: These shoes are too big...  I don't like this shirt...  the tag is itchy...  I don't want to do my hair like that!

Me:  I don't care.  You can wear them for the picture...  I don't care.  You can wear it for the picture...  I don't care.  Wait.  It doesn't even have a tag... (ugly voice) I DON'T CARE.  HOLD YOUR HEAD STILL OR THIS IS GOING TO TAKE EVEN LONGER.

I'm sweating at this point.  Perfect.  That looks great in pictures.

We pile in the van and head out to the country to take pictures in front of an old cabin that belongs to my brother in-law's family.  We pick up Micah, who stayed with my sister the night before, and I can tell that he tried to pull an all-nighter with his cousin.  His eyes look tired and his face does not communicate cooperation.  I sweetly tell him that he better smile for these pictures or he is never spending the night with his cousin again.  I'm so sorry for my poor parenting skills.  I know that was an empty threat but I was pretty sure that all our time and energy was about to be ruined by a 6 year old boy who watched Power Rangers into the wee hours of the night.  I was desperate for leverage and I had no bribe to offer.  Give me grace.

We head over to the cabin.  The kids are immediately grossed out by the cow patties that we have to dodge as this is also in the middle of one their pastures.  I also apologize to my hometown for the fact that I have failed to pass on the roots of my heritage.  My kids are not comfortable with farm animals and country living.  It's like visiting the zoo to them.  I have city kids.  I admit it.  By this point, the baby is hungry and there is a zero percent chance that we are going to get a smile out of her.  Our best hope is for her to look at the camera and not cry for at least the next five minutes.  My other hope all morning has been for her to not have a blow out and/or spit up all over her outfit and mine.  These are both regular occurrences.  She ended up looking at the ground in all but two or three shots.  I also had drool on my arm which you could see in the pictures.  Given the circumstances we still call that a major success.

The rest of the photo shoot threatened disaster.  It was mostly fake smiling, awkward posing, fighting about someone touching them, the inability to all look at the camera at the same time, and me being sweaty and irritated.  Who would know by looking at these gems though...

Here is a more accurate portrayal of how this went down...

Ella with her tougne out.

L yawning and Ella picking her nose.

L looking at the ground while Micah puts his hands in the air.  Why?

Well, we know where they get it at least. ;)

The next one was the winner of the day.  I held it together while all the antics were going on until Micah started messing with my hair.  GAME OVER.  I look demon possessed.

And we couldn't call it a day without sweet sibling pictures.  Just Precious.  Notice the subtle way Micah is messing with/pulling Avery's hair (which he adamantly denied...the camera doesn't lie son.)

 So much fun.  My next post will be about how much I love and adore them, I promise.  Family pictures don't bring out the best in them OR me obviously.  We're all a mixed bag.  Hope you got a chuckle.  I did. :)

I Wish This Was Easy

A couple months ago I sat in a courthouse waiting for a particular someone to show up for a hearing.  Because of how the last few days had panned out I had little confidence that she would come.  People were praying that she would be there and keep fighting for her freedom from addiction and her chance at a new life.  At the last minute she walked in.  We were shoulder to shoulder for an hour having an intense conversation about the "truth." The truth is really hard sometimes.  It makes you want to run away.  Hiding and lying seems like a better option.  An addictive substance seems like a better friend because it makes you feel better, if only for a little while.  But here is the real truth…it lies.  When you come down from the high you are lower than before.  It will eventually ruin you and the people you love.  In her case, this addiction is standing over her with its foot on her throat.  If she doesn’t fight for her life, she may lose it.  As we talked about the reality of the situation I finally saw a brokenness and vulnerability that I had not seen before.  I saw honesty and desperation.  When your mistakes are going to be confronted in a courtroom and you are in physical pain, you can't fake having your stuff together anymore. 

 During the course of that hour she said over and over... 

"I keep looking at those stairs and I just want to run away."

"I just wish this was easy."

I encouraged her to stay and do the next right thing.  I told her it was brave to come and that she would be so glad she did once it was over.  I told her that sometimes victory is doing the thing that we don't want to do and hating it in the moment.   It will feel like victory later.  We all need that advice from time to time, don't we?  I do.

Finally, it was our turn.  We got up and started walking toward the door.  She turned around and looked at me with fear in her eyes.  I gave her one last “you can do this” before we went in.  She sat with her head held low.  People shared what facts they had, the good and the bad.  They talked about their concern for her and the fear that she isn't going to get help fast enough.  To her surprise and mine the judge looked at her with what I discerned to be compassion.  His countenance toward her was firm, but gentle.  There was grace in his voice.  It was remarkable.  We set the date for our next hearing and it was over just like that.  I walked out with her and she just wept. 

Me: Aren't you so glad that you went in there?

Her: YES.  It really just makes me feel like a bigger piece of $%*# though.

Me: THAT WAS GRACE. You would have missed it if you wouldn’t have gone in there today.

We talked for another 20 minutes and we hugged goodbye. 

It was a good day.

The weeks since have continued to be a roller coaster. There is no predicting anything.  I knew when we said goodbye that the next day could be a different story.  Addiction is such a demon.  

About a month later another addict sought me out to talk one night at church.  She was feeling really low.  We had a long intense conversation about where she was in her journey.  There was a good amount of honesty and desperation to be “better.”  However, when we got to the part where we talked about surrender to God and next steps in the process the brakes came on. 

“I know I need to surrender to God but it’s just so hard…”

“I could do that, but…but...but…”

"I just wish this was easy." 

There it was again.  That statement.  I realize I have a lot to learn and odd as it seems, I am learning a lot from addicts right now.  Everything that is true of human nature is just incredibly exaggerated in them.  My conversations with them can be summed up like this:  It is a mixture of knowing you’re a mess, knowing you need help, wanting help, and yet not wanting help all at the same time.  It's lies and half-truths mixed in with crazy honest confessions in vulnerable moments.  It's being up one day and down the next.  It's not keeping your word and then surprising people with follow through in the last hour. 

Most of all, what I have learned from them (and some other women who have recently found themselves in a very difficult place because of choices they’ve made) is this:

To receive grace we have to come into the Light.  What is hidden and kept in the dark robs us of forgiveness, freedom, and being able to embrace the unfailing love of God. 

But I won’t lie, I wish this was easy too.  I wish a lot of things.  I wish I knew how to navigate these relationships without getting hurt.  I wish I always knew the right thing to do.  I wish I always loved them well.  I wish so many things hadn't happened in the lives of these women that set them up for failure.  I wish that knowing foster care was going to be hard would make it not feel as hard sometimes.  I wish I could love a baby like my own and also fiercely desire for her to go home to her mama without a war inside of my heart.  

IT IS HARD. 

Can I say something else?  (Please know that I feel a little raw right now so this comes from my fragile state. Thanks for understanding. :)) If and when she goes home or it starts heading in that direction I beg you not to say, “Well, you did sign up for this.”  I know guys.  Jeff and I both know.  It’s just that we already deeply love a little girl who doesn’t belong to us.  It’s what we are supposed to do.  The difficult thing here is that grief and loss show no mercy to the ones who know it may knock on their door.  Please let us be sad if we say goodbye to her down the road.  I love her mama, but I love her even more.  Jeff has an instinct to protect her.  So, when her safety seems threatened by (even my vain imaginations of) a family member popping up to take her we will suddenly feel a lot of things.  Please give us pep talks but please give us space to feel too.  I trust God with all of this, but I will still have to walk through all of the stages of grief should she leave us.  Please remember this if you have any friends in the trenches of foster care.  They aren’t stronger than most, they’re just willing.

I have felt weak over the last few days.  I haven’t felt like doing some things.  I haven’t wanted to go the extra mile.  After asking for prayer about this a friend reminded me of the advice I gave to "someone" a couple months ago.  Do the next right thing.  I had to lay my current feelings aside and obey.  I did the thing that I knew God wanted me to do. His strength enabled me.  He got me through a hard day, and although I was glad when it was over, it was good for me to have to lean on Him.  My feelings eventually came along after obedience led the way.  He even gave me tremendous grace by hearing the words “thank you" from the one who I was struggling to love.  She had no idea how God would use that in my heart.  

Oh how I need Him.  This is never less true than it is now, I am just keenly aware at the moment.  His grace IS sufficient.  I know that more than I know anything.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  

2 Corinthians 12:9

Summer...and the day I smelled like the primate house

Summer is over.  What in the world?

When school first got out we went through our usual near death experience of learning to be around each other all day, every day, again.  I was ready for school to start again the week Micah and Avery got out.  None of our children received the personality type that just likes to follow what the others are doing.  They all have their own idea of how they want things to go and don't bend easily.  It's so great.  Maybe they will be world leaders someday, raising the banner for issues that matter, unwavering in the face of opposition.  Even better, maybe they are going to be best friends and start some initiative together that will end world hunger.  Jeff and I will cry tears of joy as we see the labor and toil of 20+ years of parenting blooming before us.  We'll say, "Just look at them. It worked!  They DO love each other."  We tell them all of the time that they are each others best friends, so they need to act like it."  I know you can't force friendship, but I'm going to give brainwashing a try. There are bright spots that give me hope that it will come to pass, but time will tell.  Anyway, we survived the transition and then I got used to having 4 kids everyday.  While it is easier when someone is gone,  it's not the same.  Now I find myself feeling a little sad that summer is over.  Go figure. 

We had boring days, constant conflict days, and we also had some really fun days this summer.  The best part, by far, was having Baby L around.  Our kids LOVE her.  That is for another post though.

We did our usual family trips to Super Summer (youth camp) and The Project (mission trip) in St. Louis.  Our kids will not remember many family vacations in the summer but I think they will have great memories from time spent at both of those places every year.  They get to play with friends, eat ice cream in the cafeteria every day, get loved on by their college friends, and (for my own survival) we always get away and go places when Jeff is busy during the day.  The pool has become one of my favorite places on earth.  It is our happy place.  It is the one location where my kids never fight and everyone can have a good time.   Micah was even brave enough to go down the big slide this year!  I was so proud of him!  I am most sad that summer is over because we can no longer spend our days here.  Sigh.

 

We also made our annual trip to the zoo while we were in St. Louis.  This particular tradition seems like a good idea every year...and every year I end up asking myself, "WHY?????"  3 years ago when we went I was getting over a stomach bug, still dealing with morning sickness, and we were toting a 3 year old and an 11 month around.  It was also the same day that area schools were taking their field trip to the zoo.  I was miserable and wanted to be done before we even got to the entrance.  This year was about the same.  While we searched for parking baby L was not happy because she had dirtied her diaper. And because I didn't know how long it would take to find a parking spot I decided that I could just change her on my lap.  I am used to doing that with wet diapers so I thought I could handle it and save us time once we got parked.  I checked up her back for a blow out and thought we were good to go.  I pulled off her pants and brushed them across the front of my shirt as I was going to put them aside.  I look down to see poo was down her pant leg and NOW ALL OVER MY SHIRT.  Perfect.  I cannot convey how horrible formula diapers smell, except to say that we both smelled like the primate house.  Can you remember that smell and how it hits you like a brick wall the moment you set foot inside?  When we walked in to see the monkeys later I thought, "Yep. This is it. This is where we belong L." I didn't bring an extra shirt so I was reduced to wiping off what I could with wipes.  The only redeeming part of this was that I had on a charcoal colored t-shirt so you couldn't really see it.  Anyway, after we finally got parked everyone piled out of the van.  We brought another little friend with us so we had 5 kids total.  Honestly, her presence kept all of us from losing our ever loving minds.  The kids got along better with her in the mix and I didn't want to scar her by acting how I felt at certain moments. :)  Thank you, Haven.  My next genius idea was that I thought I could just carry L in the moby wrap and we could use the stroller for Avery and Ella.  Once we walked about 10 miles (or maybe it was a 1/2mile, I don't know) and got through the front gates I immediately decided that there was no way I could carry L around for the next 2 hours.  Jeff turned around (with a happy heart ;)) and went back to get her car seat. We were meeting up with some good friends, the Barbs, for this day-o-fun.  I met them just past the entrance with all of the kids, trying to wrangle on the sunshade that goes on the stroller. Micah immediately runs off to the nearest gift stand to tempt his unsatisfied heart.  From the start of the day he was obsessed with his desire to get something...anything.  My confession is that we created this monster by getting him something the last 2 years.  He would have been happy to buy something and leave without seeing one animal.  I was sweaty, frustrated, and ready to make a "trip to the bathroom" with my son less than 5 minutes in.  I felt bad for Haven and the Barbs who had inadvertently got sucked into this.  I couldn't even fake it when Kelly asked how we were doing.  Did I mention that I mistakenly thought it was going to be cool that day so I was wearing jeans?  So as we set off on this fun day in the sun I had on jeans, a stinky shirt, had a heat radiating baby attached to me, while pushing an eighteen wheeler a double stroller with a grumpy six year old at my side.  This, my friends, is why I do not even envy those of you who go to Disney World.  Happiest place on Earth?  I feel about 95% sure we would not come home alive.

We recovered and managed to have somewhat of a good time.  My feet were screaming by the time it was over but we conquered.  The funny thing is, the kids look back on it and think it was one of the best days ever.  I am thankful for laid back friends who endured with us.

`
If you read that whole story you deserve a medal. Now I leave you with pictures that document some of the highlights of our summer.  This is my "closure."  It's time to get excited about football, changing leaves, hoodies, and all things pumpkin.

First Cardinal game for the girls!  Mimi and Papa came over to St. Louis so someone could watch baby L and Papa could join us.

A rare selfie and this is the face he makes. :)

Obviously Jeff was in a silly mood.  I love catching that on camera. :)

Going down the big slide!

Getting some bike riding practice in...it was clear that we need to do this more. :)

Fun at Stephen's Lake Park with Micah's good friend, Addison.

Trips to the pool are always better with Bri and ice cream sandwiches.

Avery turned 4 this summer!!!

Annual Father's Day breakfast at the Mark Twain Dinette in Hannibal.

We took the kids to Java Jive, where I worked during college, to get some ice cream.

Baby L got to meet 2 of her foster great-grandmas on this day.  This is my grandma Marianne feeding her.  Sweet memory!

For Avery's birthday I took her to get her nails done for the first time.  Her friend Riley got to come with her.

It was fun to have a girl's day with some of our best friends!

Micah got really good on the scooter this summer.

We made several trips to the park during the summer when we needed to get out of the house.  I am thankful for some good parks here in Jefferson City!