God's Presence In A Holding Cell

The first few days after baby girl's placement with us were CRAZY.  Between Monday and Wednesday morning we had our first FST meeting, 2 doctor appointments, a home visit from our case worker, a face to face meeting with her parents at the courthouse, and another home visit from someone at children's division to update our paperwork.  If you know me, you know how I feel about a crowded schedule.  On top of now having four kids to care for I felt a little smothered and bossed around.  Not only that, it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to learn your way around the lingo and get to know a whole new set of people.  I sent a text to a friend who works in that world and lamented about how they were keeping me so busy that my house was going to pot and I could barely take care of the kids, which is my JOB.

But hey, come on over everyone!  Take tours of our house!  Just watch your step and don't trip over all of the choking hazards, snack remnants, and miscellaneous junk strewn about on the floor.  Please observe how well we are functioning here in this chaos, and please PLEASE feel free to ask me whatever you want.

It is a very vulnerable place to be.  She laughed and tried to put me at ease.  She said it is always this way right after placement but it would calm down soon. (She was right.)  By the way, I don't begrudge anyone for doing their job (anymore ;)).  I am thankful they do theirs so I can do mine.

Tuesday morning came.  The whole day will be forever marked in my memory.  The last time I remember going to a courthouse was to get a marriage license.  I missed the 2 minute PC hearing because I couldn't find parking or the room where it was being held so I caught up with Jeff and the rest of the team to do our meeting with mom and dad.  We crowded onto a small elevator and went downstairs.  We got out and were escorted to a holding cell.  That is where we were having our meetings...a holding cell.  We all filed in and sat on metal benches on each side of the cell and mama sat in a chair at the backside of the cell facing us. In my very safe and sheltered life I have never been that close to someone in handcuffs and a jumpsuit, and I have definitely never been in a holding cell. Everything about this was uncomfortable.  God basically brought the wrecking ball out and went to town on my comfort zone. 

Let's pause here so I can share what I read that morning before my feet even hit the floor.  I read a devotional called "How to Hate Your Life."  What a feel good title, right?  It was based on this...

Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. -John 12:24-25

You know what I was hearing God say to me?  Take up my cross and die to the desires of the flesh...to condemn, to judge, to want punishment.  Instead, be a conduit of His grace and love not only to a precious baby girl but also her mom and dad.  They need His grace no more and no less than I do.  I heard VERY CLEARLY that my marching orders were to show them God's love and grace.  It is not my job to play hard ball with them or establish consequences for their actions.  I am glad someone does have that job.  They need it if they are going to overcome some demons in their life.  But no one else has the freedom Jeff and I have to speak the name of Jesus and tell them about His love.  No one else is holding their baby in the middle of the night and can ask the questions or say what I think she would want to say to them years down the road.  I cannot muster this on my own you guys, I have a natural propensity to want justice.  I am really normal and I am not some superhero spiritual person that has a secret phone line to God.  My only explanation here is that GOD SHOWED UP because I sat still in His presence long enough to listen.  As a result, while we sat in that cell together I felt overcome with love for them.  I wanted them to be free and to experience the love of Jesus in their life.  I wanted them to be whole.  I looked into her mama's eyes and begged her to fight because her little girl needs her in her life.  I told her about how sweet her baby is and how I think she has her eyes.  "Do you really think so?" She said through her tears.  Her tenderness toward Jeff and I was astounding.

God's presence in that place was undeniable.

When the meeting was over everyone got up and walked out so they could move mama out and daddy in for our meeting with him.  I waited till everyone left and walked over and hugged her.  It is one of the few times in my life that I heard God tell me to do something very specific.  An image of me hugging her had flashed into my mind as I read His Word that morning and I heard Him say it again in my spirit as I sat there.   So I did.  She wept on my shoulder and I whispered in her ear, "It's time to fight.  You've got to fight for this."  I just held her for several seconds before the guard came in to get her.

Our meeting with daddy went well.  Jeff talked to him first and he was very respectful.  Every time we spoke to him he had tears in his eyes.  Before we left I felt like his baby girl would want him to know something if her 15 year old self could be in that room.  I said to him, "Regardless of what the months and years ahead will bring, you will ALWAYS be a huge part of her life.  You are a piece of her puzzle.  She needs you. Please please please write to her."  He nodded with tears in his eyes and we both shook his hand before we left.

I held in all of my emotion (that is a miracle) until I got back in the van.  I sat there and wept.  WHAT IS THIS?  Less than a week ago I had no idea these people existed and today I have been dropped right into the middle of their lives and brokenness.  We are caring for their baby that was born days earlier.  This is surreal.

I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  I feel pretty sure I will be mad and my heart will resist wanting to pray for their freedom at times.  I may love their little girl so much that I don't want her to leave.  I may not feel like their progress and effort is deserving of her.  I know this is going to be gut wrenching and hard down the road.  I will have to die to myself over and over.  I will need others to hold my arms up in the battle.  You with me friends?  I am even more sure of this:  The God who loves me and loves them will not abandon me or leave my heart broken.  He may crush me so that someone else can find eternal life, but He will bind me up should that happen.  If I am honest, I think that would be the most beautiful way this story could play out.  Guarding my heart used to mean protecting myself from heartbreak.  I have learned better over the last ten years.  No one is exempt from heartbreak no matter how we try to insulate ourselves from it.  God says if we will follow Him we must take up our cross...and die.  This is for His glory, our good, and so others might know this Love too.  Anything that will make my heart more like His will never be wasted.  I believe this.  You may call me crazy, but at least you know why.

He is not safe, but HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task The Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of His grace.  Acts 20:24

Holding A Miracle

There is an ebb and flow to life.  We all experience this. There are calm seasons and there are busy seasons.  Sometimes things gradually change and sometimes your world is turned upside down in a day. You remember how I started my last post? 

 "It has been pretty calm here on the home front..."  

That makes me laugh in my head every time I read it.  Over the last week our world has changed so fast my head is spinning.  Most of you already know, but in case you don't, we got our first foster care placement last Saturday afternoon. I was standing in line to pay at the salon and saw that I had a voice mail.  A caseworker from our county's children's division left a message.  She wanted to know if we would be interested in fostering a baby girl who had just been born on Wednesday.  She had been exposed to unsafe things during pregnancy but was doing great.  She was going to be released on Saturday.  Jeff had also received a phone call about it and sent me a text saying to call him ASAP.  (If I use all caps it just means I am saying it with emphasis or a little more emotion.  If Jeff uses all caps it means the sky is falling or we just won a million dollars.)  I would have been alarmed if I didn't already know what it was about.  I called him back we decided in about 10 seconds that our answer was yes. I hung up the the phone and let it sink in.

We are getting a baby tomorrow.  WE ARE GETTING A BABY TOMORROW.

I felt excited and scared...happy and sad.  My mental checklist kicked into high gear and I went straight to Target.  I paced the aisles waiting for the caseworker to call and tell me what size of diapers to buy and what kind of formula she needed.  Our friends rallied and helped us get what we needed on short notice and people prayed.  If ever I have felt like others were praying for me, it has been over the last week.  There have been so many ways that He has provided, worked out details, and given us peace that passes understanding.

We walked into a very quiet hospital on Saturday afternoon and met a caseworker and nurse who had us go to an unoccupied room.  They wheeled baby girl in the room and began walking us through the discharge information.  I didn't get to have a super special moment of doting and crying over her like I wanted.  It was all business.  She gave us a checklist of health symptoms to watch for, gave us minimal information about her birth mom, told us she was a good eater and handed us an envelope for the pediatrician.  They walked us down, we put her in the van, and off we went.  WHOA.  Just like when we took Micah home from the hospital, I felt very unprepared to be leaving the hospital with her.  Nonetheless, the wheels were turning and this is what we signed up for...the unknown.  Just so you all know, we are okay with that.  The road ahead is going to be wonderful, difficult and scary. We are going to fall in love with this little girl and we have no idea how it will all end.

But we know one thing.  She is a miracle. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you  when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:13-16

Slacking and Soccer

Hi all.  It has been pretty calm here on the home front over the last few weeks.  I thought I would go ahead and give you an update since I feel this insatiable need to say SOMETHING.

We got our first foster care placement call yesterday but it wasn't a good fit.  It was for a 6 year old boy who has several diagnoses.  It would be a disaster for him to land at this address.  It was still hard to say no.  It did hit me today when I walked into the spare/baby room that we are NOT ready.  We don't even have a mattress people.  PANIC.  Someone, who shall remain nameless, didn't like the one I bought last week.  As if I had time to do research whilst shopping with a 1 and 2 year old.  Pshhhh.  I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to buy one that day.  I get in a mood to get things done every once in a while.  Two toddlers in tow with a cart full of groceries?  Whatever, I'm doing this.  The next day I can't even get a load of laundry done because it's just TOO MUCH.  Anyone else?  No?  Anyway, I forgot about the mattress, the room, and everything in it after that day.  And then I walked into this a while ago.  

 

The picture doesn't do it justice, but this room has become a catch all for toys and I have cleared out exactly zero closet or drawer space for another child.  I called Jeff and declared a state of emergency.  We have to get this in order before we get another call.  I don't want to think about choking hazards, a mattress, closet space, or clearing a path just to get to the bed on the day another small child comes to live with us.  This weekend is go time.  

I also have a kid who just finished playing his first sport and will have one year of school under his belt in a few short weeks.  My baby boy.
 

You guys, this makes me so happy and sad all at the same time.  I know you get why.  I have more vivid memories of Micah's babyhood because he was the only one around.  I savored it.  He pulls at my sentimental heart strings to the max.  He also has the special ability to make me mad faster than the other two, but the one helps balance out the other.  He is still young, but I already love who he is becoming.  He may turn out more like his dad than I originally thought.  The world will be the better for it too.  In reflection over his soccer season I would say I have two observations.  1) I am still competitive and will be clasping my hand over my mouth A LOT in the years to come.  He is only six and playing a sport I know almost nothing about but I still want to shout helpful phrases like..."Turn it!"  "Kick it Micah!  "You don't have to take turns right now!"  "Pay attention!" Once he looked at me when I told him to hustle and just shook his head no.  Oh my goodness. :)  He doesn't have the fire in his eye...yet.  Jeff's genetics seem to be winning at the moment (why is everything about winning?) but I'm holding out hope for basketball.   2) He ended up scoring 2 goals in the last 2 games!!!  You might guess that to be the highlight of his season, but getting a medal and hanging out with his friends actually seemed to be the best part.  I will  leave you with the proof. 

                                      

Where's the game?  Who cares.  Do you love how they have the whole bench but are RIGHT next to each other?  They will be too cool to sit that close to someone in a few years, but I love how they don't care right now.
  

Micah's friend is pretty reserved and doesn't walk around grinning from ear to ear, but Micah just brings out the silly in him. I asked him what he says to get him to smile or laugh so much.  Micah said, "I tell him jokes!"  Of course. :)