More Than I Bargained For

 One decade ago. 

I have been married to this guy for 10 whole years now.  Don't judge, but we were in junior high when we got married.  We had to be.  My brain tells me I'm still in my twenties.  My denial bounces along, going about it's merry way until I look in the mirror.  Then I remember...oh yeah, I'm definitely in my thirties.  There are some things I miss about being that young but some things are better, healthier, and deeper than they were back then.  The trade off is actually worth it.  Don't tempt my flesh and try to sell me any anti-aging creams after you read this.  Stay focused here.  What I really want you to know is that next to following Jesus, marrying Jeff Carson is the best decision I have ever made.  I got way more than I bargained for on that day in 2004.  It has everything to do with the character of the man I married and a God who has not let us go.  It has nothing to do with a beautiful day that cost our parents a lot of money and all of us a lot of stress to plan.  Don't mistake that for ungratefulness.  I am so thankful for all that our parents gave to make that day happen and how they supported us.  This is my point...

In the grand scheme of life, that day was a blip on the screen.  I cannot convey how thankful I am for that.

Here is what I remember about our wedding day: It was good.  Our flowers and cake were beautiful.  But listen people who have not yet planned a wedding...can you imagine how difficult this task would be without Pinterest?  Digital photography wasn't on the scene yet either.  Pick your jaw up off the floor.  No one could edit the day to make it look a little more magical or me more beautiful/less shiny than I was.  Can you fathom this?  I kid.  The real story is that there was a mishap during our vows where someone might have passed out (I regret that our wedding video no longer plays for that reason alone).  I'm pretty sure we didn't get access to the reception hall as early as expected to set up (it's a little fuzzy now) and some details hadn’t been thought through by yours truly, which made parts of the day a bit chaotic, and even lonely.  The whole day had been laden with expectation, as is normal for your wedding day, and some of the details just came up a little short. Unmet expectations about life could probably describe most of my 20’s.  I lost a good part of a decade to that.  Don't be like me.

Honestly, the most magical part of the day happened when we walked into the hotel lobby and perfect strangers began to clap and cheer.  A random guy also gave us $20 to see his favorite movie.  We totally didn’t see it.  Sorry man, but we were really really grateful for the 20 bucks.  We were so broke. The reason it felt so magical was because it was unexpected.  I didn't expect anything awesome when we walked through the doors to the hotel lobby.  It is a sweet memory.

Regardless of how the details played out….WE WERE MARRIED.  Mission accomplished. 

Our honeymoon was spectacular.  We were rookie travelers.  I was selling Mary Kay for extra money at the time (which ironically sent me into more debt than I was already in) and had “won” a free cruise to the Bahamas.  We were poor so it was our only chance at any sort of tropical getaway.  Our cruise was actually a day trip from Miami to the Bahamas on a boat that hadn’t been updated since the 70's.  At dinner we sat with an older British couple who had also won this free trip somehow.  The husband said, “Accepting this prize is one of the worst decisions we've ever made.  This isn’t a cruise.  It’s a ferry boat ride.”  You could hear the proverbial air coming out of the balloon he just popped.  Thank you for that boost in morale.  It made it harder for us to pretend like this was everything we hoped it would be.  We were not comfortable enough to laugh about things like that yet.  When we arrived in the Bahamas it was like a ghost town.  A hurricane had ripped through the island about a month prior to our arrival.  The bottoms of the trees were black like they had been set on fire.  Many shops and restaurants were still closed.  We chose not to upgrade our trip so we had to take a bus ride if we actually wanted to visit the beach. I got sick with a bladder infection and we had to cancel our snorkeling excursion…our only excursion…a non-refundable excursion.  I felt crappy, couldn’t go to a doctor, and we found ourselves eating pb&j sandwiches in our room after we walked to the local Winn Dixie.  Super dreamy.

By far the biggest highlight of our trip was the night we tried to go out to dinner.  My memory is fuzzy about how we got from our hotel to the restaurant, but all I know is we had no transportation back to the hotel once we got there.  Maybe it’s because we had no way of calling a cab and there was no electricity in this joint.  It was dark when we walked in.  People were in there but the kitchen was clearly out of order.  We were hungry and determined to not eat pb&j sandwiches in our room.  So, of course, when the guy with a 15 passenger van offered to give us a ride to another restaurant we saw no “good and logical” reason to say no.  We hopped right in and put our lives in the hands of this stranger in a land far from home with no way to call for help.  God, please make our kids smarter than us.  How we didn’t end up on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries is a modern day miracle.  He dumped us off unharmed at another restaurant.  We walk in to this place and there is not another soul to be found dining there.  The owner greets us and seats us at our table.  There was no music in the background to lessen the awkwardness, only us having a whisper tone conversation.  I am pretty sure she may have cooked our meal after we ordered it, because she disappeared for a long time until she came back with our food.  The best part?  When we finished eating she locked the place up and gave us a ride back to our hotel.  We pretty much went to a stranger's house for dinner.  I still die laughing on the inside when I think about this.  It was not exactly the trip of our dreams.  We were pretty ready to just get back home and do normal life together. 

Our normal life was awesome.  We were living in Houston, Texas and neither one of us had a job.  That's a good start, right?  I quickly got hired at a YMCA doing after school care 20 hours a week.  That place was such a hole.  It was me and another girl in a trailer with 25 fifth graders for four hours every day with little to no plan.  Just torture for four hours every day.  It was dreadful and I would come home crying on some days.  I did not miss my calling as a teacher.  Jeff was feverishly looking for a full time job which was yielding no success.  I ended up going back to Starbucks (for an increase in pay…not kidding) and Jeff started working at Lowes.  

We were living on love and wedding money.  Thankfully our love outlasted the wedding money.  

We made some good memories our first year.  We got to enjoy some fun things in Houston and could spend our free time however we wanted.  Those days are over. :)   The flip side of our first year included joblessness, financial struggle, a miscarriage, the loss of a cousin, job changes, and a move.  I struggled deeply with grief and should have gone to counseling, but I didn't have the guts to take the step and I didn't know how we would pay for it.  But you know who didn't run away or regret his decision to marry this mess?  Jeff Carson.  On days when I wasn't sure who I was anymore, he remembered for me.  He has been the picture of Christ's steadfast love in my life.  When I have struggled, he has listened, prayed, and been there.  He has proved his metal over and over.  I love him so much more now than my fluttering heart did 10 years ago.

I realize crazy things happen.  People get duped.  I am no marriage expert, but I can tell you what will help a marriage last...

Cling to God always and especially when it gets hard, even if you find yourself holding on by a thread.  

Know the character of the person you are marrying.  The testimony of Jeff Carson was consistent from friends, family, and what I observed when we were together.  I never had a doubt in the back of my mind about who he really was.  

Be vulnerable...laugh together and cry together, don't get numb.  If you start feeling that way, figure out why.

Be honest.  

Ask for forgiveness and give it generously.  

Have friends with good marriages that will encourage yours.  

Have a "yes" on the table to counseling if either one of you would ever say, "we/I need it."  We did cross that bridge a couple years ago and God rescued my heart once again, with Jeff right by my side.  

I love this man.  I don't claim that he is perfect or better than your husband if you're married.  I do claim that he was the best choice for me, and I had no idea how much I was getting that day in November when we said, "I do."  I am overwhelmed by the grace of God.  His presence in our life is the glue that has held us together.  I trust that He will continue to hold us until the day He calls us home.  I don't know what the days or years will look like in front of us but I know who I want to face them with.  So, as we cross the threshold of 10 years together we will keep doing what has worked and change it up when it doesn't. We will hold fast to our Constant.  We'll keep praying together, trusting God together, and we'll follow wherever He leads us hand in hand.  I could ask for no better running mate than the one I have in this man.

Here's to 10 years and God willing, many more...