But hey, come on over everyone! Take tours of our house! Just watch your step and don't trip over all of the choking hazards, snack remnants, and miscellaneous junk strewn about on the floor. Please observe how well we are functioning here in this chaos, and please PLEASE feel free to ask me whatever you want.
It is a very vulnerable place to be. She laughed and tried to put me at ease. She said it is always this way right after placement but it would calm down soon. (She was right.) By the way, I don't begrudge anyone for doing their job (anymore ;)). I am thankful they do theirs so I can do mine.
Tuesday morning came. The whole day will be forever marked in my memory. The last time I remember going to a courthouse was to get a marriage license. I missed the 2 minute PC hearing because I couldn't find parking or the room where it was being held so I caught up with Jeff and the rest of the team to do our meeting with mom and dad. We crowded onto a small elevator and went downstairs. We got out and were escorted to a holding cell. That is where we were having our meetings...a holding cell. We all filed in and sat on metal benches on each side of the cell and mama sat in a chair at the backside of the cell facing us. In my very safe and sheltered life I have never been that close to someone in handcuffs and a jumpsuit, and I have definitely never been in a holding cell. Everything about this was uncomfortable. God basically brought the wrecking ball out and went to town on my comfort zone.
Let's pause here so I can share what I read that morning before my feet even hit the floor. I read a devotional called "How to Hate Your Life." What a feel good title, right? It was based on this...
Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. -John 12:24-25
You know what I was hearing God say to me? Take up my cross and die to the desires of the flesh...to condemn, to judge, to want punishment. Instead, be a conduit of His grace and love not only to a precious baby girl but also her mom and dad. They need His grace no more and no less than I do. I heard VERY CLEARLY that my marching orders were to show them God's love and grace. It is not my job to play hard ball with them or establish consequences for their actions. I am glad someone does have that job. They need it if they are going to overcome some demons in their life. But no one else has the freedom Jeff and I have to speak the name of Jesus and tell them about His love. No one else is holding their baby in the middle of the night and can ask the questions or say what I think she would want to say to them years down the road. I cannot muster this on my own you guys, I have a natural propensity to want justice. I am really normal and I am not some superhero spiritual person that has a secret phone line to God. My only explanation here is that GOD SHOWED UP because I sat still in His presence long enough to listen. As a result, while we sat in that cell together I felt overcome with love for them. I wanted them to be free and to experience the love of Jesus in their life. I wanted them to be whole. I looked into her mama's eyes and begged her to fight because her little girl needs her in her life. I told her about how sweet her baby is and how I think she has her eyes. "Do you really think so?" She said through her tears. Her tenderness toward Jeff and I was astounding.
God's presence in that place was undeniable.
When the meeting was over everyone got up and walked out so they could move mama out and daddy in for our meeting with him. I waited till everyone left and walked over and hugged her. It is one of the few times in my life that I heard God tell me to do something very specific. An image of me hugging her had flashed into my mind as I read His Word that morning and I heard Him say it again in my spirit as I sat there. So I did. She wept on my shoulder and I whispered in her ear, "It's time to fight. You've got to fight for this." I just held her for several seconds before the guard came in to get her.
Our meeting with daddy went well. Jeff talked to him first and he was very respectful. Every time we spoke to him he had tears in his eyes. Before we left I felt like his baby girl would want him to know something if her 15 year old self could be in that room. I said to him, "Regardless of what the months and years ahead will bring, you will ALWAYS be a huge part of her life. You are a piece of her puzzle. She needs you. Please please please write to her." He nodded with tears in his eyes and we both shook his hand before we left.
I held in all of my emotion (that is a miracle) until I got back in the van. I sat there and wept. WHAT IS THIS? Less than a week ago I had no idea these people existed and today I have been dropped right into the middle of their lives and brokenness. We are caring for their baby that was born days earlier. This is surreal.
I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I feel pretty sure I will be mad and my heart will resist wanting to pray for their freedom at times. I may love their little girl so much that I don't want her to leave. I may not feel like their progress and effort is deserving of her. I know this is going to be gut wrenching and hard down the road. I will have to die to myself over and over. I will need others to hold my arms up in the battle. You with me friends? I am even more sure of this: The God who loves me and loves them will not abandon me or leave my heart broken. He may crush me so that someone else can find eternal life, but He will bind me up should that happen. If I am honest, I think that would be the most beautiful way this story could play out. Guarding my heart used to mean protecting myself from heartbreak. I have learned better over the last ten years. No one is exempt from heartbreak no matter how we try to insulate ourselves from it. God says if we will follow Him we must take up our cross...and die. This is for His glory, our good, and so others might know this Love too. Anything that will make my heart more like His will never be wasted. I believe this. You may call me crazy, but at least you know why.
He is not safe, but HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task The Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of His grace. Acts 20:24
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