I Would Still Say Yes to Foster Care- Part 2

Today, I am honored again to have a good friend here to share her story of how foster care became part of their family's journey.  It's honest and powerful.  Their vulnerability is so challenging because they allowed themselves to love when it was incredibly risky...and when it hurt.  God's healing is real and He never leaves us alone in the valley.  What a reminder..  Please meet, Danielle Kuntz.

This is how we roll. :)

 I believe that the decision to become a foster parent is just as unique as the actual foster care placement, but they all usually begin with uncomfortable and scary yeses. For us, there were several but here are just a few I will share: there was a yes to less one-on-one time with our biological children, there was a yes to having to stretch our mostly one income family of 4 to a family of 6, there was a yes to added tears and heartbreak, there was a yes to fighting for the rights of parents who most people were highly against, and there was a yes to knowing that this wouldn’t be easy. Even though those “yeses” were enough to cause us to run as far away as possible from foster care, our big “YES” was the one that proved to be our anchor during even the most heartbreaking and trying days- the “YES” to God’s big picture plan. 

Our journey began with a desperate call to accept a 7 and 14 year old sibling set before our licensing was even finished. Our oldest biological child was 6 then and we felt very nervous about agreeing to these siblings but somehow we had tremendous trust and peace about it as well. After praying about it for the 20 minutes that we had to decide in, the feelings of peace won out and  just like that, the next morning we were about to have two more girls added to our home- one being a teenager! Like I said before, this was a placement that needed a home as soon as possible but our licensing was not quite complete so they rushed it forward and managed to get it complete before the girls were to arrive.

The next morning was filled with a couple of sweet friends coming over and helping us with the last minute bedroom details to make our house a home for these girls. While I was running a quick errand, we received a call from our caseworker saying that there was a change and the emergency placement decided to keep the girls. For some reason hearing that hurt so badly. I knew very little about these girls but the moment we said yes, my heart began the beautiful yet grueling process of deeply loving strangers in only a way that comes from God. It’s grueling because this profound love opens you up for deep pain and disappointment but yet it’s beautiful because it truly is a super natural gift to love someone in their distress.  There were a lot of very confusing and surprising tears that day but we knew it was just a part of our journey.

A few days later, we got another phone call. This time it was for another sibling set: a 2 year old little boy and a 4 month old little girl, but both with possible severe medical needs. We were told that the little girl had a stroke in utero resulting in an uncertain amount of brain damage and the little boy had a blood clotting disorder that could perhaps be a sign of leukemia. If you thought saying yes to a teenager for us was a tough call, this one far outweighed that intensity. Once again we went to our knees and had a decision made within minutes of the call. We knew that it had to be a yes and felt that our rushed licensing was meant for these kids. 

I look back at those very emotional first days with such a grateful heart. Even though it was chaos, it ended up reminding us of the unwavering faithfulness of God that would catapult us into our new normal.

The next months were hard and brought more tears than I wanted. It was as if I was treading water in an unending sea. I truly understood the song by Hillsong,“Oceans” where it says, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.” Singing those words are so much easier than actually going through it. Who really wants to have their faith be tried that hard. It is one thing to make a decision to engage in someone’s mess but it is so very different to invite that mess actually into your home, your safe place every single moment. But as much as we struggled, God sustained us.  He sustained us through every sleepless night, every rage of anger, every slap and kick, and every tear from our biological children asking for their old life back. He sustained all of us. He even gave us a heart to love our foster kid’s mom well. I made her cookies and sent her letters. We vowed to show her honor and respect in any way we could. I wanted to be on her team. And then one day we received a call that changed everything; she had unexpectedly died. I sobbed and sobbed like she was a close friend. During the weeks to follow, we explained as best as we could to our little man about his mama and he cried in my arms. I still remember how he would just stare at her picture for minutes without a single word. He began asking for her all the time and he insisted that even though she wasn’t breathing anymore her eyes where still open. It was one of the hardest things to watch his little mind try to understand. We felt helpless and heartbroken.

Because of the loss of his mama, we have had to look past his difficult behavior and ask God to show us the real little boy under all the pain. Even a 3 year old has layers and natually, he still seeks to control everything that he can. This most often has taken place at night. For him, bedtime is either super great or super horrible and on one particular evening, we got both. When he finally turned the corner and allowed his anger to subside, we just sat in bed and talked. And while we talked, I couldn’t help but think about him as a grown man. Just as he was falling asleep I said, “Buddy, one day you’ll probably be a daddy.” He opened his eyes and looked at me and said,  “And then you’ll be an old lady and I’ll keep you safe.” Then he kissed me on the lips and said, “now we’re married” and fell asleep. 

I’ve found that with God, there is always beauty in the pain; 

glimpses of hope abound when we have eyes to see them.

The journey from our “yes” to today has involved every type of day you can imagine… we have seen failures in our parenting as well as the victories. We have learned a whole new way of life.  We have laughed louder and cried harder.   So here we are, almost one year later after their mama passed away and only a few short months away from our adoption date. There is so much excitement about adding to our family but it has had a great cost. We have walked through all of the health issues and thankfully most of the concerns for both kids have proved to be so much less than they initially feared. We still have some hurdles with Baby A but she’s doing so well. We have had times that we feel very blessed to be used in this way and other times where we feel entitled to get our “easier” life back. I have seen a whole new monster emerge from me when I am pressed too hard and in no way feel like a saint for saying “yes” to foster care and adoption. Any pedestal we shamefully placed ourselves on for all of our good works has crumbled before our eyes. We have learned a whole new level of brokenness and vulnerability that has birthed a gentle and long suffering love for these kids. They have become ours in every way.   

God has been so kind to our family and has shown us the sweetness of Hosea 14:3, “In you the orphan finds mercy.” I was spiritually that orphan and they were physically that orphan; and we both have found mercy during the process of foster care. 

Does anyone really choose the hard just because? Usually not, so to ask if I would do it all over again isn't a question of “is it worth it.” It’s more of a question of am I called to it. I resoundingly would say “yes” all over again. In fact, I don’t know if we are even done fostering. There is a huge need and I just cant help feeling that I have a responsibility to worship God through taking care of the least of these. So my challenge to anyone reading this post is to just ask God if this is for them. That’s how it began with me. It was one small question that God gave me grace to ask and that slowly turned into other questions. And his grace greeted me at each of those doors. 

Oh, and a week ago our little man randomly walked up to me and said, “I want you to be my mommy forever and my old mommy’s eyes are closed.”

Grace upon grace for all of us.