A Time For Change

I remember sitting across our kitchen table from my friend, Bridget, who was doing our home study to complete our foster care licensing a year ago.  She asked me if I thought I would have trouble with any of the core competencies as a foster parent.  One of those competencies is to be able to work with the family services team toward reunification with the birth parent.  In training they made sure all of us knew that most children who enter foster care will return home.  For foster families who hope to adopt this can often feel like discouraging news.  The thought of saying goodbye to a kid that we would soon love didn't bring warm feelings when I thought about it, but to be really honest, that isn't what scared me the most.  My biggest fear was how to relate to birth parents.  When I thought about it my mind raced toward the cliff of worst case scenarios where all birth parents hate foster parents for trying to replace them.  All out war.  False accusations.  Tense meetings.  Lasers coming out of their eyes when they saw me holding their baby.  I was afraid of being someone's enemy or feeling like they were mine.  What if I couldn't do it?  I was nervous, and I told her so.

Knowing that, you can imagine why my heart was pounding out of my chest when I felt God nudging me to walk across a jail cell and hug L's mom the first time we met.  You can also imagine my surprise when she received it and wept on my shoulder like I was her friend, not her enemy.

How was it possible that I immediately cared about her and wanted her to succeed while I held her newborn baby in my arms?  

God.  That's the only way it was possible.  That's the work of His Spirit.  His grace.

Without Him I never would have walked over there and hugged her and I would have been indignant about why this baby was in foster care.  L's parents didn't respond to us like I expected either.  They have never been mean.  I am SO THANKFUL.  They just have deep strongholds and make terrible choices.  If I gave you a summary I doubt you would find it difficult to dismiss their parenting capabilities.  Given their huge obstacles it might seem virtually hopeless that their lives will ever turn around.

I have wrestled with what I believe about how far God's arm is able to reach to save someone.  I have been confronted with whether I believe that a drug addict's life is as valuable as mine.  Do I believe God loves them like He loves me?  Would I have made different choices if I had been in their shoes since childhood?  The answer is humbling.  I have no confidence that I would have done any better if I had been dealt the same hand.  Without much grace, good parenting, and wonderful support systems in my life I cannot predict what my life would have looked like.  I am more thankful than ever for all of those things (thank you for the millionth time, Mom and Dad).  When I get to know people who have had a really hard life I can feel guilty for that.  Or I could just try to insulate myself from said people so I don't have to wrestle with these feelings.  Instead, I am convinced that God didn't protect my life just for me.  He has worked in my life and given me so much grace so that I can be whole enough to help others.  I want them to know Him and His grace that has redeemed my life.

In the few months that we had with L's mom around I felt such purpose.  I felt empowered by the Spirit to love her.  We honestly had a good relationship.

Did I have moments where I was frustrated with her?  YES.  I remember I hit the wall in September when I felt like I was being asked to work twice as hard while she was giving almost no effort.  God came to me again and reminded me that He did that for us...only much more.  While I was yet a sinner and my heart was still cold toward Him, He loved me still.  He took my punishment so I could be healed.  This was an opportunity to enter into a new understanding of the depths of His love.  I don't always feel like embracing these opportunities though.  I felt tired and it didn't feel fair.  I felt sorry for myself for a little bit and then pressed on.  I had to.  I needed to.

I didn't know how things would play out.  I didn't know how long God would ask me to keep wanting reunification for L and her parents.  At what point do you stop working for something you have laid your heart on the line for?

 I sought the wisdom of a veteran foster mom (Lisa Johnson) who had been supportive of my desire to see her mom overcome her demons and get her life together.  We've never met in person, but across the miles I know she is a kindred spirit.  My question was, "At what point in your case did you know it was time to stop wanting reunification?  How do you know it's time to stop fighting for that in your heart?"  Her answer could be likened to the one you would get if you had asked her how you know when you're in love.  She said, "You'll just know."  No formula.  No checklist.  Okay, then.

She was right.  That day came for me back in October.  It was the day that I knew L's mom wasn't ready to do what it was going to take.  I reached out to Lisa again about what was going on and she affirmed what I was feeling in my heart.  She told me it was time to really focus on what is best for L now.  Please hear me.  That didn't mean I stopped caring about her mom.  I just knew that she wasn't ready to be a mom for L.  I feel the same about her dad.

Regardless of my feelings, my job on the team is not decision making about L's future.  That is a real adjustment when you have had all the decision making power for biological kids.  I will not be the one to make any recommendations to a judge.  This is a tough spot for a lot of foster parents.  You spend about 95% more time with a child than anyone else on the team but the reality is that you don't decide what is in their best interest.  On a good team, you have a voice in the room and your perspective matters, but you have to lay down your striving to be the decision maker.  

Note to fellow foster parents:  We have the best job on the team (I might be a little biased, but still).  We get to know, love, and influence the real flesh and blood little person everyone is talking about.  We get to make the biggest impact on their life.  None of your time and investment will be wasted.  It matters and it will help shape who they become.  Don't forget how significant that is or what an honor we've been given.  Don't let the flawed (and painfully slow) process or sometimes unkind people make you forget why you're really doing this.  REMEMBER.    

On Wednesday, L's team did make a recommendation to change her plan from reunification to termination of parental rights/adoption.  The judge gave his approval.  This is a big deal but for now it doesn't actually change anything.  We still have a LONG road but we are headed in a new direction.

Jeff and I agree with this plan and I feel freedom in my heart to say that one day I hope we will get to introduce this sweet little girl to the world with our last name.  We love her and want to be her forever family.  There are no guarantees, but we are praying toward that end now.  Thank you all for praying for us and for her over the last 11 months.  Thank you for covering the court room in prayer on Wednesday.  I told Jeff as we waited that it was amazing to know how many people were interceding for the people in that room.  If you are a prayer warrior for all of us involved in foster care please know how much that means.  Prayer is the work that no one sees but is directly connected to the only One who holds all things together.  You are a vital part of this process.

Please keep fighting for these little ones on your knees.