It's been more than three months since I hugged your neck goodbye. You kissed your baby, buckled her up, and we drove away. You may never see this, but I am writing to you anyway.
You have missed so much already. I remember us celebrating her learning to roll over the last time we were together. You wouldn't believe what she has done since then! In the last 100+ days your baby has learned to sit up, wave, clap, feed herself puffs, laugh, and go to sleep without being rocked. She loves veggies more than fruit (that is a first in our house). She also has two teeth and is finally getting some hair. I know you would be excited about that with me.
The most exciting? LOOK AT THIS!
She is incredible. Time is flying and she is proving to be a determined little person. She is getting more of an opinion and is not a fan of being told no. When we take something away that wouldn’t be safe for her to play with, boy does she lets us know about it. She is smart, I can already tell.
Remember her smile? It still lights up a room and it is the most defining thing about her personality. She is such a happy kid. I hope that she will always be happy, but I know there will be sad days down the road. We all have to deal with things that are difficult and we all have sad days. It's an inevitable part of life. Sometimes I feel like I already know what some of those things will be for her though.
As I look at her sweet face I still see you. I see your eyes. I see the same dimple in her cheek that you have in yours. The reminder is that no matter where you are you will always be a part of her.
I anticipate that you will always be important to her in ways that I won't fully understand. If she is still with us years down the road, she may ask me questions about the short time that I had to know you and want to know what you were like. She will wonder if she is like you. She will probably look at pictures of the two of you together and wonder other things like…Why didn't you fight harder? Why wasn't she important enough to you? I weep about these things because I know it doesn't have anything to do with her. I'm just afraid my answers will always be up against the lies of the enemy who will want her to believe that she "wasn't enough" and will want her to think that she should have been. The truth is, no one is "enough" to compete with a stronghold that controls your life. I cannot even wrap my mind around some struggles you have, but I know that no one on the planet can convince you to fight it unless you are ready. You have to want it. You have to be desperate to be free. You have to hate what it is doing to you. You have to see it with different eyes. You have to be willing to leave all that you know and start over with new people. You have to face some things you are running from, like pain, regret, and shame. You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to forgive others and humble yourself so that you can receive it as well. You have to let new people into your life that want your freedom too, even when you want to run back. More than anything, you need God and His help to overcome it. Your kids should add fuel to the fire but they cannot be the only reason you have to fight. I know you know that.
Knowing the truth will never matter though, unless you are ready.
If and when those questions come up, and as many times as she needs to hear it, we will tell her what is true. She IS precious and wanted. She IS worth fighting for. She IS loved and important enough to do whatever it takes to protect her and know that she is loved. No matter who has the great privilege of raising her, there is a Savior who did all of that so she would never have to live with those lies. He died for her and fought for her freedom from the grips of sin and the enemy long before she was knit together in your womb. I hope that His love for her, His protection over her from the very beginning, and all that He does in her life will one day bring her heart to a place of surrender, trust, and overwhelming joy.
I can see all of that for her already, but it won't matter until she sees if for herself.
The last eight months have really drove home the fact that no one can ever force us to see the truth, embrace the truth, or live any other way than how we ultimately want to. This quote came across my Facebook feed a few months ago and it has resonated…
“If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse." - Jim Rohn
We can blame others and make them our excuse, but at the end of the day we have to decide what we want to live for. If we want to overcome, heal, or fight for freedom we need the help of others, but no one can choose it for us. I still believe God is absolutely able to deliver you, but you have to surrender your life to Him. The same thing is true for me and every human being on the planet.
We still love you. While we wait and pray, we will keep loving your baby. She is wonderful and we thank God for the gift of her life that came through you. We understand the weight of that. We are blessed beyond measure to have her with us and to be a part of her life.
So, until we meet again...
Your baby's foster mama