I Can't Believe I'm Saying This

It’s no secret that the last decade of my life has been pretty consumed with parenthood.   I’m so so thankful for that.  I can’t think of another job I’d trade it to have, at least on most days.

While it has stretched me, brought so much selfishness to light, and made me cry tears of both joy and pain, it has become a place where I feel comfortable.  I know my role as “mom” like the back of my hand.  I know how to make food, wipe bottoms, teach the abc’s, potty train, dance like no ones’ watching in our living room to princess songs, and I’ve even learned how to survive trips to the grocery store with four kids.   Believe me, I’m not going to be writing any parenting books or winning “parent of the year” by a LONG stretch, it’s just where my life is right now.

I like it that way most of the time.

I like to know what I’m doing and feel comfortable in my environment.  I think that is pretty natural, but God has a way of inserting change, challenges, and opportunities that stretch us beyond our comfort zone.  It’s good for us.  I know it’s been true over and over in my life as I’ve walked with Him.  When I’m uncomfortable, in a new place, unsure of myself, or a part of something God has orchestrated, I have to rely on Him.  There is absolutely no better place to be.  Surrender and dependence on Him ultimately lead to freedom, joy, and being truly alive.  I feel like this year has been full of those opportunities.

A couple of years ago my longtime friends, Vernon and Amber (through their organization, His Voice Global), opened a home for young girls in Kenya called, Lulu Place.

“The town of Maai Mahiu in Kenya consists of 5000 people and 600 prostitutes. That’s about 1 prostitute for every 8 people. Maai Mahiu is located on the “HIV highway” also known as “The AIDS belt” in Africa. The prostitutes, or CSWs (Commercial Sex Workers), are mostly made up of teens and young women.

These young women’s view of Christianity is a sad thing. They say some Christians judge them as being more sinful than the clients for whom they’re working, other church-goers are the clients for whom they’re working. Neither of these paint a desirable picture of Christianity to these girls.
We have helped create a Safe House, Lulu Place, to accommodate 8-12 young and vulnerable girls with the potential to fall into the trade of prostitution. Some of them have been orphaned; some of their mothers are currently working as prostitutes. Lulu Place will provide the girls with an education and teach them life skills to make a living working in a field other than prostitution.

Lulu Place carries out our mission in a number of vital ways. The girls who will be residing here will be equipped with education, safety, and an opportunity to live out a future void of prostitution. Lulu Place will be engaging the community and connecting it to the church.

We’re so excited about Lulu Place. Please be praying for a continued fruitful partnership between us and Rift Valley Fellowship, and for the future of these girls and Maai Mahiu.”

I still remember when they opened the doors two years ago.  I felt like my heart was there as Amber posted pictures and videos.  I am usually not so emotional about my friends’ adventures overseas.  It has been a decade since I left the country and I honestly haven’t had the itch to go.  As they opened Lulu Place I think that my heart was being awakened to God’s love for the orphan in a deeper way as we were engaged in foster care, and my eyes were being opened to the oppressed around the world.  I cried when I watched this…

Lulu Place Opening

I told her that someday I wanted to go with her if they needed people to go and serve on short term trips.  She has faithfully sent me text messages at least twice a year to see if I wanted to join her on one of the trips.  Every time it has felt like bad timing.  We had important court dates for Leah.  We were getting ready to move.  We had just moved.  Then there is the ever present problem of not enough time or money to feel like it’s a good time to go.

So, I got a text from her once again over a month ago about the next trip in April.  I didn’t respond.  She sent one last “no pressure” text on Valentine’s Day to see if I was interested.  My plan was to maybe mention it to Jeff so he could confirm that is was a no go.

Well, he beat me to the punch but with a very different angle on the question.

He said, “I saw the text from Amber about Kenya.  What are you thinking about that?”

I said, “I’m thinking it’s not very far away and it’s a lot of money to raise between now and then.”

His response, “Weeeeell, I’ve been keeping a little bit of a financial secret from you.  When we got our tax return last year I set $1000 aside for you to go on a trip at some point.  I just want you to think about it and pray about it.”

You guys, listen.  In the middle of a renovation and move there have been plenty of opportunities to use that money elsewhere.  I totally would have.  I struggle with it even now.   I said, “but what about the very long list of things that we need to do to the house?”  He said, “there will always be projects.”  I said, “what about my dental work?”  He said, “we’ll figure that out.”  We have dipped into other buckets in the budget, but he has not touched that money because of his love for me and desire for me to go.  That is the best Valentine’s Day gift he has ever given me.  Even if the trip never happened, it was the best gift.  It has reaffirmed to me that he wants me to be who God has created me to be, and to love and follow Him in every season of life, even if it means sacrifice for himself.  This is a big deal financially AND logistically.

Even after that, I still wasn’t completely sure if I should go.

Last Saturday we were visiting with my grandmas and my sister at my parent’s house.  I thought, I should probably just mention this to them in case I end up saying yes.  It is way better to have these conversations face to face.  I’m sure they are going to think this is crazy, but they will at least get to hear a sweet story about how amazing Jeff can be.  Ha!   I’m so sorry for selling them short, because all of them were supportive.  I left feeling like maybe, perhaps, I am supposed to say yes but I was not ready to say that out loud.

It still felt scary and big.

As we were leaving, my dad came out to the van and handed me a 20 dollar bill.  He said, “your nephew wants you to have this for your Africa trip.”

DONE.  Stick a fork in me.  That was it.  I don’t even know if he was in the room when I told them about it.  My sister may have just mentioned it to him as they were getting in their car to leave, but for a 13 year old boy to immediately reach in his wallet and give his own $20 to his aunt is one of the sweetest things ever.  My sister chipped in too and said, “if this is God’s will we want to help.”  I have an amazing family.  I am thankful once again that as God leads us to do something that some would call a little crazy, they cheer us on.  Foster care or going overseas, they want us to follow God’s voice.  I don’t take that gift for granted.

So, I’m going to Kenya.  {{Insert hyperventilation as I type that}}

I’M GOING TO KENYA!!!

I get to set my feet down on African soil, April 22-30.  We will be leading a women’s conference for the ladies of Rift Valley Fellowship and also spending some time with the girls and boys at Lulu Place and Way of Hope.

Ella is excited for me to go.  Micah and Avery are currently working through their fears of me getting bitten by snake, run over, trampled by a rhino, or eaten by a tiger.  The last fear is virtually impossible and exposes our need to study geography before I leave.

It will be hard for me to leave them, but I know this is good for them too.  I want our kids to live fearlessly for Jesus.  I want them to go where He sends them and to love people of all nations.  I want them to be adventurous, not just for the sake of a thrill, but for the sake of the Gospel.

I hope it will be easier for them to say yes someday because Jeff and I said yes first.  I am not ready to pack my bags and move across the ocean at this point, but maybe they will.  Maybe we will years down the road.  I don’t know.

I just want us to live with our yes on the table to God.  

We’ll let Him write the story.  It always works best that way.

So, if you will pray for our whole family as we prepare, as I go, and as Jeff stays behind with the kids we would be so grateful.  It will be an adventure for Jeff in a whole different way.  I know he can totally handle it, but it will be hard!

I also have a little more support to raise to cover the cost of my trip.  The total cost of our trip will be somewhere in the neighborhood of $2300.  If you feel like God is nudging you, and only if GOD is nudging you, I would appreciate the help!  Here is the link where you can give directly.  Just click on my name from the drop down menu.  All donations will be tax deductable.

Thanks as always, for following along and loving our family.  We are so thankful for the friends and family that God has given us.  You help us obey and run after Him.  You are our village.  What a gift you are to us.

The Little Foxes That Ruin The Vineyard In Adoption

Just to get this out of the way...It has been four months since I posted anything here.  Yikes.  I used to think that this would be fun to do once a week.  {{Insert uproarious laughter}} I would only need to write about 18 posts to catch up on this last gap.  It feels like four weeks since I posted about Leah's adoption, but it's been that kind of summer.

I just said summer.

I am aware that it's the middle of October, I haven't lost my mind completely.

It's just been a bizarre few months and I'm feeling really hesitant about embracing fall this year.  I've planted mums (and killed them already).  I've made pumpkin bread.  I've gone to a football game...and nope.  It's just not coming to me yet.  I am hanging on to summer, begging for just one more hot day to jump in the pool.

The whirlwind of moving and renovating our house consumed us for almost three months.  I think there is some part of summer that got swallowed up and lost in the middle of all that and I'm still searching for it.

Maybe I'm still grasping for the slower pace and simultaneous chaos of having all of four kids at home all day long, heading over to the Memorial pool to keep us from killing each other, and carrying sleepy kids up the stairs to their beds with wet hair, damp swimming suits, and pink cheeks from swimming their little hearts out.  Or maybe it's the smell of charcoal wafting through the kitchen window while Jeff fires up the grill, having friends over on a whim, and the familiarity of our normal routine in a home that felt like...home.  Maybe it's the feeling of comfort and security and happiness all of those things bring that I'm still wanting before moving on to the next season.

But the seasons have changed in more ways than one and there is no going backwards.  

I have given myself permission to miss these things...the friends we did life with, our neighbors, the teachers, the doctors, the caseworkers, the parks, the community pool, our Target (superior to Columbia's, just being honest), and what I had known as our "normal" for over a decade.

I miss it, but I really don't think my heart is trying to run back.  I just long to feel at home again. 

We have rolled right into life in a new town, new church, new neighbors, new school, and a new ministry.  We are now two months in and I'm trying to stop and evaluate "how we are doing."

My answer would have been different a week ago.  Jeff and I just got back from a marriage retreat in northern California.  We went away for an entire week, the longest I've ever been away from our kids.  God provided a scholarship and an invitation to this retreat, two amazing grandmas who stayed with the kids, and even sent bad weather to keep us away for one more night.  I don't know if the grandmas are seeing God's "kindness" in all of that after the week they had, but we sure do.  Love you both so much!!

God knew my heart was not in a good place and He had profound mercy on my weary soul.  He didn't have to take me to the Scott River Lodge to mend my heart, but He did, and I'm so so thankful.

I limped into this retreat.  All of the change has been hard over the last few months, but the hardest has been my relationship with Leah.  I may delete this post someday if I think it would be difficult for her to read, but I don't know how to talk about "how we're doing" without being honest about this.  I want to be honest, yet honoring.

The bottom line is that it's been my own struggle with my shortcomings and a wrestling with the enemy.  In the middle of our chaos, I have given enormous ground over to the enemy and allowed him to fire his arrows at will through some serious lies in my heart and mind.  I have gotten so used to the accusations and questions that I didn't even recognize them for what they were anymore.

Leah has been part of our family since she came home from the hospital.  My love for her has been deep and real from the beginning.  All along the way I also felt the weight of uncertainty over her future and ours, realizing that she belonged to someone else until a judge decided otherwise.  Wrestling with the tension in that is almost impossible to verbalize and it does weird things to you.  Over the course of two years I felt a myriad of contradictory emotions, even while feeling more alive and where God wanted me to be than ever before.  There was also real spiritual warfare happening in our home and in my life.

Much to my surprise, when the judge declared that she was finally ours forever it didn't magically make all of that go away.  There was celebration, freedom, and closure....absolutely.  It was hands down one of the most amazing moments in life.

I just wasn't prepared for what was about to follow. 

Crap hit the fan.  I'm sorry if that's offensive, but it barely captures it.

Suddenly, everything was final.  No more meetings or caseworkers.  But also no place to process some things with people who can help us navigate difficult waters.  We moved simultaneously, which magnified this feeling.   I felt "dumped out" and struggling with the changes happening in her and our life. 

Her second birthday was back in May.  We had been noticing some things that were a little concerning for several months.  Nothing huge, just several things that made us go, "is that normal?"  This isn't our first rodeo, so we felt like we had a pretty good handle on what is normal, but we also know all kids are different.   On top of general "toddlerness" she had become more and more sensory seeking and  delayed in her speech.  Add a lot of transition and change to the pot, and you have a kid who can't verbalize how she feels with an unhealthy need for sensory input, who in turn is unintentionally making life hard for everyone around her. 

Our new normal has been filled with siblings who are defensive because they expect to be hit, jumped on, have their things taken or broken.  They overreact (read: scream)  to try and deter her or make her stop.  This absolutely does not work.

I wake up every day waiting for it to start, panicking when she gets out of my sight for fear that she will find something that will hurt her or break, so I begin locking every single door.  I'm irritable and fatigued....tired of breaking up fights and feeling like I'm not getting through to her ONE SINGLE BIT when we she has yanked someone's hair or tried to eat soap, legos, peppermint oil, just whatever she can get her hand on, or squeezed out all of the conditioner.  She moves chairs around to get to what she wants, fights sleep, can't focus on anything for more than a couple of minutes, and wants to be held if she isn't doing any of that.


Absolutely none of this is her fault.  None of it.

I wish that made it easier, but it doesn't.

ENTER: STRUGGLE.  QUESTIONS.  LIES.

These are the little foxes that ruin the vineyard.

Statements and questions like...This is so hard.  I'm not cut out for this.  Would I still have said yes if I knew how hard it would be?  This is my new normal...forever and ever.  I am screwing this up.  She deserves a better mom.  This is hijacking our life.  This is her bio mom's fault, I'm so angry at her.  We aren't going to get through the day.  I hate this.  Was this fair to our other kids?  Why can't I be more patient and loving?  I'm struggling to bond with her.  She is going to hate me when she gets older.  Will she be bent toward unhealthy things her whole life?

I'm failing.
I'm tired.
I'm angry.
I need help.

God was already at work by sending me a friend here in Columbia who saw my pain and understood it.  She came and introduced herself the first time we visited Karis Church and has instantly been in my business in the best way possible.  She has wasted no time speaking Truth and urging me on to find help in God and the resources around me.  She says, "Hey, I'll come over and play with the kids and you're going to get on the phone and call resource A, B, and C.  You need help.  You can't do this alone.  God totally has this covered."   

Everyone needs a friend like that.

As we arrived at the retreat I was empty and weary.  I cried so much.  The last three times I have gone to a conference or retreat I have been this way.  I feel bad for everyone around me when God starts in on my heart.  It's always like this.  When God brings out the proverbial knife to do surgery, tears are unending.

We were met at the Scott River Lodge by long time friends we haven't seen in a while and new faces who we grew to love during the week.  It was vulnerable, but exactly who I needed to be with for several days in the mountains of northern California. These friends went straight to the feet of Jesus on our behalf and prayed for bigger things, with more faith, than I had in a long time.

Here is what the Lord took me far away to speak into my heart...    

I have been living in spiritual poverty.

I have an overarching trust in God and His will for my life, but I also live as though He will only give me just enough of Himself to get through.  The rest is hustle, grit, and suffering through in my own strength.  It's like God is at the top of the mountain and I'm climbing up in my own strength while He watches.  This belief is void of His joy and peace and the power of His Spirit in my life.

It says of God, "You are not generous toward me.  You withhold Yourself and Your promises when times are hard."

This is a lie.

The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is mine.  The Holy Spirit lives in me...not just sometimes or a little bit.  I'm am sealed and wholly His.  That same power is accessible to me in the middle of my chaos and difficult days. 

His presence is just as sweet as it's always been.

HE IS HERE.  He can fill me with joy in His presence if I will spend time with Him, inviting Him in, honestly surrendering and giving Him permission to do whatever He wills in me.  I can call out to Him constantly and live connected to Him no matter what is happening around me.

He can handle my honesty.

His shoulders are way broader than that.   I can get alone with Him and just SAY IT.  He already knows.  All of my sin, anger, doubts, harsh words, unkindness toward those He has placed in my care....He knows.  I condemn myself and deep down feel unworthy to approach Him.  He invites me to come to Him and leave it at the cross.

Completely undeserving of grace, as I come close and rage against my reality, beating His chest as I lay out my frustrations and hurt and questions with sin in my heart (some I can see and some I cannot even see yet)...He wraps His nail scarred hands around me and pulls me close.

I weep.

He took all of that upon Himself already.  It was part of what held Him on the cross so long ago.

HE DIED FOR THIS.

HE OVERCAME SIN, HELL, AND THE GRAVE FOR THIS. 

He takes all of it and gives me His grace.

He takes all of it and gives me His peace.

He takes all of it and gives me His hope.

He overwhelms me with His love once more.

His love is still bigger than I can fathom and my heart can feel it again.  Our emotions are terrible masters on either end of the spectrum, but they're a beautiful companion in His hands.

He made me to feel His love, not just mentally assent to it.

He also reminded me that He answers the prayers of His people with a yes more than I record in my memory.

He is a generous God. 

The jury was out in regard to an evaluation we had done on Leah before leaving, but we found out on our trip home that she has been approved to receive services through First Steps for her sensory issues.  She didn't qualify based on typical measuring standards, but God showed us favor through a compelling "informed clinical opinion" report from the occupational therapist who did her evaluation, and hearts that were bent toward us during a meeting.

He sees us right here in this little house and He has compassion for what makes our hearts hurt and our days hard.  The struggle may not go away, but there is help and He is with me.

When we came through the door on Sunday night I was met by a two year old who couldn't get enough hugs and kisses.  It meant more to me than I can even explain.  Our story may be marked by brokenness that has touched both of our lives, but I pray that our testimony will be a powerful reminder of His love and power that redeems all things.  What kindness and grace He is constantly showing me through her.

May our homes be filled with believing prayer that God is stronger than our enemy, that His love is rich and never failing even when our hearts feel like they are failing inside of us, His presence is accessible, real, and powerful, and no weapon formed against us shall prosper.

For His glory and our joy...

Leah McKinley Carson

For just over two years we have had the honor of watching this precious little girl grow before our eyes.  We (and our village) have fed her, hugged her, changed every diaper, and rocked her in the midnight hour.  We've had a front row seat when she learned to crawl, took her first steps, started to giggle, and said her first words.  

We didn't know how long we would have this privilege, so we savored it.  

Perhaps some parts of this particular parenting journey have been more precious because we knew how uncertain our time with her would be.  It has never been lost on me that I am sitting in a place where someone else, in a perfect world, should have been all along.  I was holding and caring for someone else's baby.  

I felt the weight of that....every ounce of it.  

That certainly made this particular parenting journey more complicated and difficult as well.  So, as we come to this juncture in our story I will say that foster care has magnified my need for grace to greater degrees than I've ever known.  The depth of grace God has given me when I have not done well on difficult days now adds to the magnitude of how incredible this privilege is to be a part of her life.  

This is her life and her story just as much as it ours and we get to be a part of it.  I seriously cannot get over that.  While I share my own part of the story here, someday she will be able to tell this from her own heart, in her own words.  That is the story I long to hear one day.      

My heart will always ache for what generational struggles and cycles of brokenness have destroyed in Leah's biological family tree.  I grieve today for what I know they have lost forever and what I think they should feel, even if they don't.  I want to see redemption and God's grace transform their lives, but Leah just couldn't keep waiting.   She needed a forever family.     

Every kid deserves permanency, consistent parents, selfless love, and the security those things bring.  Limbo isn't a good place to grow up.  I am so thankful that Leah hasn't realized her entire two years of life have been in this place of limbo, and I'm even more thankful that it's over.  We have finally arrived at permanency.  

What a long awaited glorious day. 

After all of the uncertainty and lack of control over the outcome of this case, we know with certainty that 

God has chosen me to be her mom and Jeff to be her dad.

Wow.  

The circumstances that bring you to the place of becoming a parent through adoption feel just as miraculous as natural child birth.  The number of people involved in making this decision,  events that have to align, countless pieces of paper that have to be signed, court dates, and sheer amount of time it takes to get there is painful and long. 

It feels like a sheer miracle to be here today.  I'm undone with gratitude.

Some of you have only been able to watch her grow with sunglasses over her eyes in photos.  You were clearly missing out.  I cannot tell you how delighted I am to show you her whole beautiful face at last.   

As of today, this little lady is no longer a ward of the state of Missouri.  She has been ADOPTED.  She no longer has a case number attached to her name.  She is simply a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, and her own little person with an amazing story.  I am overwhelmed with joy and pleased to introduce to you... Leah McKinley Carson.  

Thank you for celebrating this day with us.  Please enjoy a trip down memory lane with some of our favorite Leah photos over the last two years.  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you loving her and us over the last two years as we have walked this road.  We couldn't have made it without the support of everyone around us.  The way hundreds of you have shared in our joy today through Facebook and the way our tribe filled up that court room today is an overwhelming display of love for her and us.  We love you all.

What an honor it has been to be a part of what God is doing in foster care, even if just for this one little girl.  I don't know what God has for us in the future but I know there are more adventures ahead...and I'm so happy to be marching on as a family of six.