Today Was A Big Day

I feel like I need to reintroduce myself on my own blog.  It's been a while since I've been here.  I'm sure no one has really missed it, but if I'm honest, I kind of have!  Thanks for stopping by again.

Life has been normal, as in, we have been sick a lot and there is general chaos pretty much all the time.  Our schedule really hasn't been full, it's just what living with four young kids is like.  We have still somehow managed (with the help of amazing grandparents) to get our house decluttered and ready to put on the market.  It feels good now that it's finished, but I NEVER want to move again.  I've already decided I will live forever in Columbia.

The bad news?  This move isn't even close to being over.

Help me, Jesus.

Do some people enjoy this?  It's life sucking to me.  I don't know if I have the strength to pack up the rest of this house, fix up another, unpack, and raise kids at the same time.  How can this physically be done?  Someone testify.  Everyone else, I recommend that do NOT come close if you plan to make light of it or tell me how easy it will be.  I'm a little touchy about it right now.  Give me 6 months and I'll forget these labor pains.  For now, pretend to understand.

So, the "for sale" sign will be in our yard tomorrow.  It will make all of this feel incredibly real.

One thing that will keep us tied to our current life in Jeff City is still having a foster kid from Cole County.  Given the fairly small distance and where we are in the case,  we are not hindered in our move.  I will still enjoy getting to see our team every once in a while, but overall, we are ready for this case to be closed.  We really feel like L has waited long enough and deserves to move on.

The juvenile office submitted her Termination of Parental Rights packet to the court system in February.   We had been waiting for that to get finished since late summer so we were relieved that her paperwork was finally moving.  Our juvenile officer worked hard over the last several weeks to get her biological parents served the paperwork, as well as getting our initial court date.  Just so you know, there are often multiple court dates before you even get a TPR trial date, but we were told that we would get one today because of the great work our juvenile officer did.  So thankful for her.

We showed up at 1 p.m. today, like we do every few months, and waited in the hallway outside of Circuit Court 19.  It was a full docket and you never know when your case will be called.  You just show up and wait....and wait...and wait.  Foster care is one big lesson in waiting and not being in control.  If you desire to learn patience, please sign up.

Anyway, we weren't last.  Woo hoo!  We were second to last and called in just before panic set in about who we could call to go pick up our kids from school.

We sat down in the front row, the judge acknowledged everyone on the team who was present, and asked what we were here to do today.  Our juvenile officer told him that we were pursuing TPR, that everyone had been served, but the biological parents were not in attendance.

He asked again if her parents had been served, so our JO reiterated how they were notified. Then he started talking and used the word "default" a few times.  We had no idea what he was saying but when he finished, he asked when we were coming back to court (this is what he always asks).

Everyone just kind of sat there, dumbfounded.

In my head I was shouting, "Someone ask for a trial date!!  Someone take the lead!  Why is no one talking?"  I was panicking a little, because I knew that if we didn't get a date on the calendar it would push everything back until we could see him again in May and ask for a trial date then.  Our JO just said that we are scheduled to come back in May.  He talked about some paperwork that needed to get done before then, and that was that.

I looked at our GAL and she was smiling and pointed us out to the hallway.

I was not smiling.  I thought this did not go as we hoped.

When we all gathered in the hallway the rest of the team appeared to be in shock, and we were just confused.  Our caseworker, GAL, and juvenile officer checked with each other.  "Did he just do that?  Did that just happen?"  They brought out the juvenile office attorney to make sure they heard him correctly.

Confirmed.

He had just made his decision.  He ruled by default (because her biological parents did not show up today, and maybe because this has been stretched out long enough) that this case would not need a trial.

After appropriate paperwork is filed, the TPR will be granted.

That happened TODAY.

Why was everyone shocked? Because no one has ever known him to do that...ever.

Jeff and I were now in shock.  We hardly knew what to ask.  We just knew this was big and God just did something there.  Everyone knew something very unusual happened there.

I remember standing in that exact same hallway a year and a half ago with L's mom.  She had just received what could only be explained as God's grace in that courtroom moments before.  There is no other reason that a judge, foster mom, caseworker, and GAL would want her good and still encourage her to keep fighting when she had already screwed up in a few short weeks.  Her and I walked out of the courtroom and as soon as we got to that hallway she buried her face in my shoulder and wept.  She knew something was "different" about this time around (this was not her first kid to be in foster care) and she felt like we all wanted her to succeed.  I'm not sure if anyone in her life has ever wanted her to succeed at the right things.  The judge was almost pastoral.  I was awed by how he handled his interaction with her with both soberness AND mercy.  She didn't know what to do with it.  She just cried and cried.  For a few brief moments that day, she was honest.  What did she get in return for showing up and facing the truth?  Grace and mercy.

She was undone by it.

I left the courthouse that day in July with the same strange feeling that I had today.

GOD WAS THERE.

His presence was thick and there was no denying something happened that shouldn't have happened...and it was wonderful.

On both occasions I have walked that city block back to my van and sat in the drivers seat and wept.  I have said, "What is this???"  How have I been dropped into the middle of this story?  No matter how you tilt it, there is always pain and loss somewhere in the picture.  It's broken and horrible, and yet I feel like I'm walking on holy ground every time I enter in.  I have never felt more alive and sure of God's presence than in that courthouse.

I know our story is not everyone's story when it comes to foster care.  God must know my emotional wherewithal couldn't handle a really complicated case.  He has bigger plans for some of you!  Even so, it hasn't been easy.  When the hard days have come, He has been tender and merciful.  He has shown up and moved in ways I have never experienced before.  He has shown Jeff and I the depth and breadth of our community when we have needed support...and it's deeper and wider than we realized before we set out on this journey.

And even if she went home today, nothing would change that.  He is good.

I give Him praise (THROUGH LOTS OF TEARS) for His incredible kindness today.


Just....WOW.  What joy and a deep sense of His intimate care over L's life and ours.

He is a good good Father.  



***We'll keep you posted on an adoption date sometime this summer!

Where He Leads We Will Follow

We have lived on this little street for 6 years now.   This town has been our home for more than 10 years.  We moved here just six months after getting married and right in the middle of a very difficult year.  I was literally miscarrying as we moved from Houston, Texas to Jefferson City, MO.  It wasn't the easiest transition.  In fact, our first year was one of the darkest of my life.  I didn't understand why God moved us here or how long we would "have" to stay, but it sure wasn't at the top of my list of places I wanted to live for a long time.  I endured the first year.  It wouldn't have mattered where I was, it was just a painful time.  It's "possible" that Hawaii or some remote tropical island may have provided a healing balm, but I guess we'll never know.  As I look back now, it is so clear.  He brought us to Jefferson City for a lot of reasons, but it was the perfect place for my heart to heal.  It was a slow process, but this is exactly where I needed to be as I grieved, healed, and found joy again.

I have been surprised by the way my heart has fallen in love with this town.  It's not the beauty of it's landscape (although it's bluffs and trees around the Missouri River are beautiful), restaurant options, amazing mall, or entertainment that has grabbed my heart.

It's the people.

I cannot begin to list all of the people who I have grown to love here, but there is a lump in my throat right now just thinking about grateful I am for the kindness of God during this season of our lives that He has shown us through the people in our lives.

Inside the walls of this city we have been blessed to know some of the BEST people.  The community of Christ followers who make up our local church are not just friends to us, they are family.  These people have grieved with us when we went through our second miscarriage, celebrated with us when our other three were born, given generously to us when things were tight financially, and cheered us on, watched our kids, and prayed us through when we decided to pursue foster care.  These are the people we will miss the most.

I also treasure the people who work in the hospitals where our kids were born, the teachers at First Steps and Lawson Elementary who so gently eased us into the next season of their little lives, our pediatrician and nurses who have loved and taken such good care of our kids every time we walk through the door, our coworkers at the MBC who love and pray and care for our family as only close friends do, the terrific kids and parents who we've met through school and now count as sweet friends,  our kind neighbors who pick up our mail and mow our yard when we're gone, the staff  in our Children's Division office and ECH where my heart came alive in a way I never anticipated through foster care...and on and on.  Even our mailman, John, is great you guys.  These are the people who have loved us so well and made our season here what it is.

IT'S HOME.

It feels more like home than anywhere I've ever lived.

I would be happy to stay right here and keep everything as it is.

But we all know life doesn't work that way.  Everything changes at some point.  Seasons come and go.  People move in and out of our lives.  Our kids grow up no matter how hard we try to keep them little.   That restaurant we love closes it doors. 

We change.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  Sometimes we like the change we see, and sometimes we don't.  We come through heartbreak and trials perhaps a little worn for the wear, but hopefully a little wiser and humble and real.  Struggle changes us, and if we'll lean into God instead of running from Him, it will change us for the better.  

As the years march on we also discover what makes our heart come alive.  We decide if we're ever going to jump in and take a chance on a dream, the time is now. 

Change is good...and hard.

Change reminds us that this world is not our home.  If we have been given the rare blessing finding a place that feels like home, it's only a shadow.  It's God's kindness to give us a taste of such good things, but it neither compares to our heavenly home nor can it last forever. 

The time has come for a pretty big change for us.  God is moving us on to a new ministry in a new location.  This change has been brewing for a long time but too many details were unclear to really write about it.  You should know that sitting on big news and not being able to talk about it makes it hard for me to warm up to big change.  It's a bit of a relief to be able to share this with you. 

The time is now upon us to not only warm up to the idea and but to start getting excited about it.

This spring we will be putting a for sale sign in our yard.  Over the summer we hope to settle into a new home in Columbia, MO to be fully invested in ministry on Mizzou's campus.  While we may just be moving 30 miles north, our whole life will be different.  New schools, new neighbors, new ministry, new community, new church, new (old) house...everything will be new and different.  I feel excited about what God will do in this next chapter of our lives, but I am also in the grieving stage as we prepare to say goodbye to this one. 

What an amazing gift to be able to say that you're sad to leave because it's been so good...and it has.  

Forgive me over the coming months if I'm crying for no apparent reason.  I might be thinking about all of this.  I might be crying because while I'm trying to declutter and purge before we move, everyone who lives here keeps bringing more junk home that I  have to figure out what to do with (and all I really want to do is light a match to all of it in the backyard and go take a nap).  Or it's possible that I may be crying because I've been looking at houses in our budget in Columbia.  Ha ha ha...for real.  Just pat me on the back, and if you really care, say a prayer for me to keep my sanity and priorities as you walk away.

I'm excited to let Jeff tell you more about how God has led his heart along in this and why we are really feeling called to Mizzou.  It will be his first guest post!  Thanks for sharing in our excitement about this new adventure and following along. 

I do not know what the next season holds.  It could be full of joy or it could be full of struggle.  None of us have eyes to see into the future, and really I'm grateful for that.  I would just borrow trouble from tomorrow instead of being thankful for today.  What I DO know is this...God is faithful, He loves us, and He holds the pen as the next chapter of our lives is about to be written. 

Where He leads, we will follow...

My Best Advice For New Foster Parents

God’s timing is impeccable.   

As we come to yet another chapter in our journey, I am "coincidentally" being given the opportunity to sit down with some brave souls tomorrow night who are about to embark on their own journey in foster care.  I actually do not believe it is coincidental.  God knew that L's parents would come back into our lives the same weekend that our focus would be on orphan/foster care at church and that I would be asked to sit on this panel only a few days later.  

He is after something in my heart...continued surrender and trust.   

I asked myself all weekend, “what do I really want to say?”  My heart feels very raw right now.  I may not even get to say much and they may have specific questions, but if I get the floor, what would I want them to know from a fellow sojourner who is just a few steps ahead? 

I asked some others for their perspective to get my wheels turning a few weeks ago, and with their added wisdom, here is where I landed…

1) This is the most selfless commitment you may ever make in your life.  If you do this the right way, you are making the commitment to be on a “team” of people who are working, not for your good, but for the good of a child.  Most of the time, this means working toward reuniting them with their biological family.  You will also be making a commitment to simultaneously love a child like they are staying forever.  That is an order so tall it will feel impossible.  I contend that it is without absolute trust in God and His love for you and the child in your care.   

2) Don't engage bio parents as the enemy.  They may see you that way in the beginning, but prove them wrong.  Encourage them to do the “next right thing” in their lives.  Love them.  Pray for them.  This is also a tall order.  Depending on the circumstances, you may really struggle to find forgiveness toward them.  This is absolutely and completely understandable.  It forces us to come back to our own deep deep need for grace and reliance on Christ to transform our hearts. 

Unforgiveness will be your own prison, I promise.  Don't let yourself live there.

And listen, forgiveness does NOT equal "free of consequence."  You do not have to be okay with their choices.  In the end, even while you love and forgive them, sometimes the best thing for a child is to move on to adoption.  Kids can't wait forever while their parents decide whether they really want to kick their addiction or make big changes in their lives.  Kids need full time committed parents.  They need to find permanency in a loving, stable, forever family.  This whole thing is the weirdest combination of tough love, support, consequences, surrender, and advocacy for children.   

So, be released from the pressure to immediately embrace warm fuzzy feelings of forgiveness toward bio parents you don't even know before you set foot on this journey.  It's okay to struggle with it and be afraid of it.  Just remember, if God has led you here, He will give you what you need to walk through it with love and obedience.   

I don't know how He will accomplish this in you and your circumstances, but I just know that HE IS ABLE. 

3) Find some safe people you can be free to feel your feelings around.  You will need to vent.  You will likely feel angry, tired, failed by the system, and overwhelmed at times.  It’s okay to feel this way.  FEEL IT.  Find people who will support you, pray for you, validate your feelings (when they are valid and most of the time they will be), and then encourage you get back up and go again. 

People say this isn't for the faint of heart.  I think we're all faint of heart, honestly.  Foster parents aren't stronger than the average Joe.  We have just arrived at a place of obedience and surrender because God has asked us to do this particular thing.  We simply trust God to carry our heart, even if it breaks.

Whom have I in heaven but You?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:25-26

4) Keep your integrity.  This goes hand in hand with #1 and #2.  When you fall in love with a kid and think that it would be in their best interest to stay with you, beware of the temptation to manipulate things.  DO NOT sabotage their bio parents.  This will never work out in your favor in the end.  At the very beginning my caseworker said, "Her mom is either going to do the work or she isn't."  That is what I needed to hear.  It was going to be an uphill battle for her and she didn't need me to stand in the way.  God will never honor that.

The end does not justify the means…ever.  

 I understand why this is hard not to do when you are “fighting” for a child.  I go back to our desperate need to trust God with the process and the outcome.  Do this the right way.  Don’t fight dirty. 

5) Make no mistake about it, you have the BEST job on the team.  While the rest of the team gets to interact briefly with your foster child, talk about them in meetings, advocate, and make decisions on their behalf, you get to make the biggest investment in their life. 

Everyone makes some sacrifices to be a part of this process.  This is not feel good work (most of the time).  I hate that we even need social workers, juvenile officers, guardian ad litems, and judges.  This is hard work for everyone and we all need to respect the role that we each play.  Good teams do this, and I am thankful to be part of one. 

Here is the bottom line though, you will make the greatest sacrifice.  Your whole life will be enveloped by this experience.   

You know what makes every bit of this worth it?  You are the one who gets to hold, love, comfort, and make the deepest impact on every child that comes into your home.  You will be the one to show them, maybe for the first time, what unconditional love looks like.  You will get to whisper "I LOVE YOU" when you tuck them in at night.  You will get to be their safe place to let it all out (this will be excruciatingly hard but necessary).  You will get to cheer them on in their accomplishments and progress, and see what a visible difference it makes when a kid hears someone say, "I'm so proud of you."  You will be there to tell them that it's going to be okay on hard days.  You are the only one that gets to know them intimately.  What an honor.  God holds them in such high esteem and you get to be His hands and feet to demonstrate His unfailing love toward them.  

Tell me what greater privilege there is on Earth.  There is NONE.

So, jump in with both feet.  Bring all of your excitement, nerves, fear, and an unwavering trust in God's love for you no matter what may come.  

This is going to be the ride of your life.  

WANTED: A Family For A Little Girl Named Dorcas

Today, I am excited to introduce you to the Humiston family.  I crossed paths with Jennifer two summers ago at a community pool in Hannibal, MO while we were in town for Super Summer.  They had recently adopted their son, David, from Guinea and we had just started our journey in foster care.  

Glimpses of God From the Humiston Home

 We discovered that we had a few friends in common, as well as a common passion for orphan care.  

As I have followed her posts on Facebook over the last year and a half I have been encouraged over and over by something in particular.  She is commited to helping a little girl, who still lives in an orphanage in Guinea, find a forever family. 

She started a fund to help cover the adoption cost for the family that will one day discover God has asked them to be her family. 

It seems very backwards.  And it's amazing.  It sounds exactly like the the upside down, inside out, unexpected way that God's kingdom works.  I love it so much.  

A few days ago it finally hit me that more of us need to share her story.  I am believing with Jennifer that God has a family for this little girl.  I also believe that if more of us share her story a family will eventually learn about her and hear God speak into their hearts that it's supposed to be them.  

How will they know unless they hear?   

Would you be willing to share this post with those in your social media sphere of friendship and influence?

It will be such a joy for hundreds, or perhaps thousands, of us to celebrate as we see her story unfold.  Her family is out there!!

Today, let's learn about how God first put this on Jennifer's heart.  (The following is from her post, "He Sets The Lonely In Families.")

/ / / /

In April of 2012 my feet touched down on West African soil for the first time. I thought I was there to do a VBS for missionary kids.  And I was.  And it has changed my life. 

I also went to an orphanage for the first time...and met my SON (although I didn't know he would be my son at the time!) 

But he wasn't the only kiddo that caught my heart's attention.  I also met a sweet little girl named Dorcas.  Today I'd like to introduce you to her.

 April 2012

 Look how little she was the first time I met her!

 April 2013

 

 2014/2015

Eating pizza!

Fun at the swimming pool.

  

  Pete & Amy Riley

Dorcas is determined. I've seen her with the help of her friends at the orphanage ride a tricycle.

Dorcas is a beautiful child of God. Her smile literally lights up the room.

 Dorcas is an overcomer. She has been "diagnosed" with CP.  However, she doesn't let that stop her too much. Since we met her she has received a walker and learned to get around very well with it. Recently, through the help of therapy (done by an amazing volunteer missionary) she has began to learn to walk unaided. We can't imagine what she could do with professional focused therapy!

 Dorcas loves to be loved.

Dorcas needs a family.

 I have to confess I put off writing this post. I am a detail person. I wanted the perfect set of pictures and description of what her skills are and her prognosis is. I wasn't sure exactly how to advocate for this precious girl. So this year our family began praying on a daily basis for Dorcas to find a family. And the Lord has burdening my heart like crazy. And so I write. Do I have all the "answers" to what life with Dorcas will look like for a family? No. But, I am confident her forever family is out there.

Could it be you? Could it be a friend of yours who has a heart for children with special needs? Your friends who have been looking to adopt an older child?

Although we do not know the exact day that she was born we do know that Dorcas is six years old.  She is currently living in an orphanage called CASOG (Centre D'Appui Aux Sans-Abris Et Orphelins de Guinee/ general translation: Support Center for the Homeless and Orphans of Guinea) in Guinea, Africa.  We are still in the frontier stages of adoption work in Guinea, but it can be done!  We did it and you can too!

She has the amazing blessing of a missionary family (The Rileys) who are investing in her while she waits for you. They are paving the way for her to have a family by taking her swimming (fun therapy), doings exercises, exposing her to American food, taking her places outside the orphanage walls, and pouring love and affection on her. (and photographing/videoing it all for you to have!)

But, this is not a forever family. It breaks my heart that she has been waiting this long. What have I been so busy doing that I haven't written this post before? Why did I think I had to have advocacy all figured out before I began? No more.

The Lord has challenged me to do more. I am starting a fund for Dorcas. Many of you know my cupcake business Sweet 2 the Soul began as a way to bring David home. I have continued to bake and give half of everything I make to missions.  I am currently putting money in a fund for Dorcas' future family to help offset their adoption expenses.

If you'd like to hear more about what an amazing little girl Dorcas is and what day to day life with her might look like I'd be happy to put you in touch with Amy Riley. If you have questions about how to adopt from her country we've done it and would be happy to help you on that end.

What can YOU do?

-Pray.  Pray and ask God if you could be the family God has been waiting for to step out in faith and adopt Dorcas. If you are certain that isn't you then please begin praying for her forever family to be found.

-Share. Will you please share this post with your prayer warrior friends, your heart for adoption friends, your friends who feel a deep passion to help those with special needs?

-Give. If God leads you to be a part of this little girl's journey please visit her GoFundMe page created to raise support for the family that will one day bring her home.  

You can always contact me at jenniferhumiston@hotmail.com or through Facebook with any questions you might have.

"God sets the lonely in families." -Psalm 68:6 

Let us pray and believe that God will fulfill this in Dorcas's life.

When Grace Is Really All You Have

Imagine that about a year ago you accepted a foster care placement to help a little boy with special needs.  Excited and nervous you wanted to do it, and you quickly fell in love with him.  You felt sure that God had called you to do this.  You weren't getting much sleep because this sweet kid needed you to take care of him in the night and you also had responsibilities during the day that you couldn't ignore.  Life keeps moving and people expect you to show up for work, doctors' appointments, meetings, and meals.   You don't always get to check out of normal life, even under stressful circumstances.  Your exhaustion was real, but you never doubted it was worth it and you knew it would only be this hard for a time.

Then, one day, you were driving with your foster son in your back seat and missed a stop sign.  Your eyes were open.  You weren't distracted by your phone.  You were just tired and your senses weren't operating like they should.  You got t-boned and the little boy in your back seat who you had sacrificed so much to help was now seriously injured.  

You feel helpless and guilty and completely responsible.  You were the one driving.  You wish with all of your heart that you could rewind the clock and just put your foot on the brake.  How did this happen???  You've never even had a speeding ticket.  It's a bad dream you wish you could wake up from.

Suddenly, you find yourself at the center of attention.  Local media had a slow day and caught wind of the story.  People who don't know you or your foster son suddenly care deeply about his well being.  They all jump on the self righteous band wagon with their comments that read...

"How horrible! I hope that person pays for what they've done!"

"How do people like this become foster parents?  Our system is so screwed up!   Prayers for that little boy." (This is my personal favorite...condemnation followed by "prayers")

"I hope they take that child away!"

"Children deserve to be in loving homes with adults that will take care of them.  How irresponsible."

"This makes me sick."

"I bet they were texting and driving.  This makes me so angry."

None of these people know anything about the circumstances.  They don't know you.  They have no idea what it has been like over the last several months when you have been up in the night over and over, feeding, changing, holding, singing to, praying over this precious one.  You LOVE this child and hurt more than anyone over what has happened.  If you could take it back or trade places, you would do in an instant.  

IT WAS A MISTAKE.

The world is cruel and people can be unmerciful.  We can all be arrogant when others make a mistake and think "we would never..."

Over the last month I watched one of my friends get raked over the coals for a mistake that she made.  In the midst of following God to a hard place and putting so much on the line, she made an honest mistake.  She immediately owned it, everyone was okay, but it was the sort of mistake that had consequences.  If it would have been her own kid no one would have even known it happened.  

In foster care, so much of what you do is under a microscope.  

When kids fall off their bike and get scraped up, fall off the chair and get a knot on their head, cut their finger and need stitches...you take pictures, report it to your caseworker, talk about it at the next meeting, and deal with whatever judgement other people may have about how it happened or could have been avoided.  You may have to sit across from their bio parents and swallow your pride while they express their anger toward you.  

You didn't imagine the day that you would be asking for their forgiveness.  

I appreciate accountability.  This is the way it has to be, but it's also really really hard.

In foster care, and other times in life, we are exposed and laid bare before people who don't even know us.  People who live in the public eye deal with this constantly.  They are more vulnerable to rumors and judgement. 

My mom has one of those mirrors that lights up and has two sides.  One side is normal and the other side is magnified.  She bought it precisely for those features.  I, however, never want to see myself in so much detail under bright lights.  It's frightening.  Why would I want to see my acne (in my 30s...seriously???), and fine lines that are appearing all over my face.  WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?  

Sometimes that is how the rest of the world gets to see us.  Our mistakes are viewed under bright lights and appear larger than everyone else's.  It doesn't seem fair, and the story that's told is rarely accurate.

While perfect strangers malign our character on Facebook and we can do nothing to make it stop, what will we do?  Crawl in a hole and never come out?

Have you ever stood face to face with someone who gets to decide whether or not your mistake or your sin is forgivable?


What do we do with a mistake that others aren't willing to forgive?   

What happens if Jesus is the only one left standing there with grace?

I have really been thinking about this after watching someone I love have to deal with a similar reality.  Because I love her, I have felt her anguish.  

It has reminded me of the times in my life when I have felt completely unworthy of forgiveness.  I remember how raw those moments of vulnerability and weakness feel.  It caused my heart to run to the one place where undeserved grace, mercy, and love was demonstrated in fullness and perfection.  The cross.  Not one sin was left unanswered for at the cross of Christ.  There is not one mistake that the grace God demonstrated through Christ doesn't cover...completely.  

I can promise you this.  When Jesus seems to be the only one left standing with grace in His hands instead of a stone you will want to run with abandon into His arms.  His grace will never mean more to you than on that day.  

On our worst day.  On our best day.  This is exactly how much we need His grace.  

When His grace becomes the only thing we've got to make it through the day and not give in to despair, we will finally understand what He means to us.  EVERYTHING.  We are bankrupt without Him.  

When is the last time you felt this desperate for Him?

When we come to the place where His grace has given us true liberty from our sin and freedom to not be defined by our mistakes, we will also see the people around us differently.  We will be quick to extend grace, give the benefit of the doubt, and be generous with second chances.  We will be less inclined to make hasty judgements about others when we read the headlines or hear whispers.  

When grace is all we have, grace is what we want to give. 

Whether we find ourselves struggling to forgive someone else or struggling to forgive ourselves, we must remember this:  His grace is sufficient.  Let's own our mistakes, confess our sins, surrender ourselves to Him, and trust that He meant what He said.  Freedom awaits.  Why wouldn't we run into His arms to receive this kind of love?  Nothing compares.  

 Love unfailing.  

Grace unending. 

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For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-- yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:5-16

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The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.  At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”  “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”  When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:3-12