Five Months Ago Today

I know reflection is important.  Writing things down is important too.  Joan Shaw, the wisest woman in our church, has said this over and over (I think I know where she got the idea).  I want to be like her when I grow up.  I'm just not very good at practicing this with pen on paper which is partially why I started a blog.  I know I have already forgotten moments that I wish I would have written down over the last five months.  It's been a little busy though.  SO, before it's too late I am going to do some reflecting today.  If you like picture books, this post will be right up your alley.

Five months ago today I was getting my hair done and looking forward to a boring weekend at home with the fam.  While I was in the the check out line I got a text from Jeff and a phone call from Children's Division.  Suddenly we were getting ready to bring a newborn home from the hospital the next day.  I can write that without ALL CAPS five months later.  I mean, what was the big deal?   Less than 24 hours later we met this little girl.

First time we laid eyes on her in that quiet hospital room.

Feeding L for the first time before we took her home.

Strapped in and coming home with us about 30 minutes after our introduction.

Taking a nap with Daddy C when we got home from the hospital.

On that day I had no idea that she was going to be the sweetest baby I have ever known.  I thought we may be buckling up for a wild ride of scary health issues and non-stop crying.

This is pretty much what she did the first three months.  I took her to the doctor at one point because all she was doing was eating, sleeping, and needing diaper changes.  READ: She was being too good.  I thought something had to be wrong.  Paranoid much? :)

I also had no idea how amazing our own kids would be.  I thought there would be a lot of emotional unrest while they got used to a baby being around.  I can only say one thing about how it all actually turned out...God had mercy on us.  All of us.  God answered the prayers of many who were lifting us up during that time with a resounding yes, and we give Him praise.  Our kids are nuts about her.  She has brought out the most tender and caring parts of them.  Don't get me wrong, they didn't get halos the day we brought her home (as highlighted in my last post), but there are moments that have made me stop and catch my breath.  I have to share a few of those.

The moment we got home with L and came upstairs, the girls wanted to sing Jesus Loves Me to her.  So they did.  It was precious. 

This is supposed to say, "Have a lovable hugable day."

Micah was a little disappointed when he found out we were getting another girl. Bless his heart. :)  I think it is safe to say that he got over it pretty quickly.  He was cranking these pictures out before he left for school only two days after she came to stay with us.

 Micah has probably amazed me the most.  She has drawn out compassion in him that I didn't know existed.  He has risen to the occasion of being a big foster brother.  When she first came home with us we talked to the kids about how our job was just to love love love this baby.  I told them that it was helping her little body and brain to heal and develop when we sing, talk to her, kiss her cheeks, hold her, and pray over her.  Micah took me seriously.  One day he was rubbing her head and talking to her when he looked up at me and said, "Is it working, Mom?"  I said, "YES. You can't see it but her little brain is growing and going like fireworks right now. You are doing a great job."

One day he wanted me to read him a letter from her mommy that we had received.  After much begging I gave in.  He disappeared out of the kitchen as soon as I was done reading and I thought he wasn't really interested anymore.  A few minutes later he came back in and said, "That letter makes me feel sad."  "It is sad," I told him.  He didn't have anything else to say about it, but he and Avery both seem to understand that she is with us because her mommy and daddy can't take care of her...and that is sad.  They know that kids are supposed to be with their mommy and daddy.  They love theirs, as imperfect as we are, and want L to be able to go home to hers.  On some days they feel bad for her mommy when we have to take her home with us after a visit.  They will pray for her randomly on days when my heart would like to harden towards her.  They treat her with respect and call her by name.  They acknowledge that she is L's mommy.  At our first visit we had Micah give her a bouquet of flowers when we came in.  I know that how our kids have treated her has made a significant impression on her and our caseworker.

Make no mistake, God uses kids.

In the beginning, both of the girls wanted to hold and feed her constantly.  Their baby dolls became obsolete because they now had a REAL one to play with.  Now that L is only ten pounds behind Ella and doesn't just lay there like a baby doll, the fascination is fading.  There is no shortage of kisses though.  I feel smothered on her behalf but she rarely seems to mind.  Ella has happily turned in her "Baby of the Family" title.  She has not been jealous at all and I am so proud of her.  One night on our way out to meet with our church she said, "I'm so glad we have a fostuh baby." During the first couple of months she would tell just about everyone we met, "We have a fostuh baby!"  People generally didn't get what she was saying without the "r" but they would smile at her anyway.  It made my heart glad to know how proud she is of L.

Side note:  Ella loves wearing her "cabe."  More commonly known as a cape or hooded towel. :)

Avery was born for this.  She has mastered mothering already, so this was the perfect occasion to use her expertise.  We have to remind her that unless someone is willingly pretending with her, she is not anyone's mother.  She herself has only been outside of the womb for 4 years but she is at least 24 in her own mind.  She is stubborn as all get out sometimes, overly emotional at moments, but care taking is so natural and intuitive to her.  It's amazing.  She sees the best in others.  Just this week when we were getting ready for L's visit with her mama Avery wanted to curl her hair.  "I bet L's mom will think I look so pretty."  L's mom didn't come to the visit and she got worried about her. She whispered in my ear,  "Mommy, maybe she is sick.  Tell ______(the caseworker) that she is sick."  Bless her heart.  I know that she is young and doesn't know what's going on, but I love her tender heart.  She also said later that day, "L is the cutest baby ever.  I just can't stop loving her!"

Avery thought that L was feeling left out so she pulled up a chair to play with her.  She wants everyone to feel included.  Don't mind the scuffle happening in the background.  Micah had been home three (too many) days from school that week with a fever and we had been misplaced from our home for a few days because our AC went out in August.  We were all handling it like champs.  Nothing but rainbows and sunshine... ;)

You should also know that L is rolling over, starting to eat cereal and putting her toes in her mouth these days.  She is doing fantastic.  She still spits up more than any baby I know, drools like crazy, and has the occasional blowout. She's just gotta keep up with Avery and Ella's 5+ wardrobe changes a day, ya know.  She smiles a lot, is awake a lot more during the day now, and sleeping an average of 11 hours a night (bless the Lord, oh my soul).  She is a super happy baby but when she does get mad that girl can scream.  She will be heard if she wants to be heard. :)

As far as foster care is concerned, this story is not the norm.  I have the utmost respect for those who say yes to babies and children who are struggling with health issues, trauma, neglect, and loss.  You are amazing.  May God strengthen you day by day.  This is just the story God has given us.  It has it's challenges and I feel maxed out on some days, but I am overwhelmed with God's kindness.  I still don't know what the outcome will be here, but I am thankful for the privilege of being a part of L's story, and her mom and dad's.  

We will keep doing our part and trust God with the rest.

So for now, just enjoy these toothless grins with us.

2 months old at the St. Louis Project.  

2 1/2 months old

4 1/2 months old....I'm BOOtiful.

The Non-Profile Pictures

For your entertainment, and because I know these will only get funnier as time goes on, I wanted to share some of the precious pictures that came from our short photo shoot with my sister last weekend.  Photographers who work with toddlers and children deserve every penny they get paid.  I'm so sorry Bri and Jennifer.  I know we still owe you for what we've put you through.  I will sell an organ one of these days and make it right.  Parents who survive photo shoots with their toddlers and children without injury to themselves or their children deserve a vacation.  This is yet to happen as well.  Instead, I settle for the joy of it "being over" and the hopes of just one (Dear God, PLEASE just one) good picture to help me forget the torture we just endured.

Kids, no matter how young, just know when it's coming.  They have a special radar that detects when there is about to be expectations placed on them to smile and look cute for a camera.  They can smell it a mile away.  When you pull out the nice clothes that coordinate with what everyone else is wearing, they wonder.  When I put on something nicer than yoga pants they really start to think something is up.   When I curl my hair, the flashing red lights and alarms sound in their heads.  Panic and rebellion begins.

This is how it goes for us.

Them: These shoes are too big...  I don't like this shirt...  the tag is itchy...  I don't want to do my hair like that!

Me:  I don't care.  You can wear them for the picture...  I don't care.  You can wear it for the picture...  I don't care.  Wait.  It doesn't even have a tag... (ugly voice) I DON'T CARE.  HOLD YOUR HEAD STILL OR THIS IS GOING TO TAKE EVEN LONGER.

I'm sweating at this point.  Perfect.  That looks great in pictures.

We pile in the van and head out to the country to take pictures in front of an old cabin that belongs to my brother in-law's family.  We pick up Micah, who stayed with my sister the night before, and I can tell that he tried to pull an all-nighter with his cousin.  His eyes look tired and his face does not communicate cooperation.  I sweetly tell him that he better smile for these pictures or he is never spending the night with his cousin again.  I'm so sorry for my poor parenting skills.  I know that was an empty threat but I was pretty sure that all our time and energy was about to be ruined by a 6 year old boy who watched Power Rangers into the wee hours of the night.  I was desperate for leverage and I had no bribe to offer.  Give me grace.

We head over to the cabin.  The kids are immediately grossed out by the cow patties that we have to dodge as this is also in the middle of one their pastures.  I also apologize to my hometown for the fact that I have failed to pass on the roots of my heritage.  My kids are not comfortable with farm animals and country living.  It's like visiting the zoo to them.  I have city kids.  I admit it.  By this point, the baby is hungry and there is a zero percent chance that we are going to get a smile out of her.  Our best hope is for her to look at the camera and not cry for at least the next five minutes.  My other hope all morning has been for her to not have a blow out and/or spit up all over her outfit and mine.  These are both regular occurrences.  She ended up looking at the ground in all but two or three shots.  I also had drool on my arm which you could see in the pictures.  Given the circumstances we still call that a major success.

The rest of the photo shoot threatened disaster.  It was mostly fake smiling, awkward posing, fighting about someone touching them, the inability to all look at the camera at the same time, and me being sweaty and irritated.  Who would know by looking at these gems though...

Here is a more accurate portrayal of how this went down...

Ella with her tougne out.

L yawning and Ella picking her nose.

L looking at the ground while Micah puts his hands in the air.  Why?

Well, we know where they get it at least. ;)

The next one was the winner of the day.  I held it together while all the antics were going on until Micah started messing with my hair.  GAME OVER.  I look demon possessed.

And we couldn't call it a day without sweet sibling pictures.  Just Precious.  Notice the subtle way Micah is messing with/pulling Avery's hair (which he adamantly denied...the camera doesn't lie son.)

 So much fun.  My next post will be about how much I love and adore them, I promise.  Family pictures don't bring out the best in them OR me obviously.  We're all a mixed bag.  Hope you got a chuckle.  I did. :)

I Wish This Was Easy

A couple months ago I sat in a courthouse waiting for a particular someone to show up for a hearing.  Because of how the last few days had panned out I had little confidence that she would come.  People were praying that she would be there and keep fighting for her freedom from addiction and her chance at a new life.  At the last minute she walked in.  We were shoulder to shoulder for an hour having an intense conversation about the "truth." The truth is really hard sometimes.  It makes you want to run away.  Hiding and lying seems like a better option.  An addictive substance seems like a better friend because it makes you feel better, if only for a little while.  But here is the real truth…it lies.  When you come down from the high you are lower than before.  It will eventually ruin you and the people you love.  In her case, this addiction is standing over her with its foot on her throat.  If she doesn’t fight for her life, she may lose it.  As we talked about the reality of the situation I finally saw a brokenness and vulnerability that I had not seen before.  I saw honesty and desperation.  When your mistakes are going to be confronted in a courtroom and you are in physical pain, you can't fake having your stuff together anymore. 

 During the course of that hour she said over and over... 

"I keep looking at those stairs and I just want to run away."

"I just wish this was easy."

I encouraged her to stay and do the next right thing.  I told her it was brave to come and that she would be so glad she did once it was over.  I told her that sometimes victory is doing the thing that we don't want to do and hating it in the moment.   It will feel like victory later.  We all need that advice from time to time, don't we?  I do.

Finally, it was our turn.  We got up and started walking toward the door.  She turned around and looked at me with fear in her eyes.  I gave her one last “you can do this” before we went in.  She sat with her head held low.  People shared what facts they had, the good and the bad.  They talked about their concern for her and the fear that she isn't going to get help fast enough.  To her surprise and mine the judge looked at her with what I discerned to be compassion.  His countenance toward her was firm, but gentle.  There was grace in his voice.  It was remarkable.  We set the date for our next hearing and it was over just like that.  I walked out with her and she just wept. 

Me: Aren't you so glad that you went in there?

Her: YES.  It really just makes me feel like a bigger piece of $%*# though.

Me: THAT WAS GRACE. You would have missed it if you wouldn’t have gone in there today.

We talked for another 20 minutes and we hugged goodbye. 

It was a good day.

The weeks since have continued to be a roller coaster. There is no predicting anything.  I knew when we said goodbye that the next day could be a different story.  Addiction is such a demon.  

About a month later another addict sought me out to talk one night at church.  She was feeling really low.  We had a long intense conversation about where she was in her journey.  There was a good amount of honesty and desperation to be “better.”  However, when we got to the part where we talked about surrender to God and next steps in the process the brakes came on. 

“I know I need to surrender to God but it’s just so hard…”

“I could do that, but…but...but…”

"I just wish this was easy." 

There it was again.  That statement.  I realize I have a lot to learn and odd as it seems, I am learning a lot from addicts right now.  Everything that is true of human nature is just incredibly exaggerated in them.  My conversations with them can be summed up like this:  It is a mixture of knowing you’re a mess, knowing you need help, wanting help, and yet not wanting help all at the same time.  It's lies and half-truths mixed in with crazy honest confessions in vulnerable moments.  It's being up one day and down the next.  It's not keeping your word and then surprising people with follow through in the last hour. 

Most of all, what I have learned from them (and some other women who have recently found themselves in a very difficult place because of choices they’ve made) is this:

To receive grace we have to come into the Light.  What is hidden and kept in the dark robs us of forgiveness, freedom, and being able to embrace the unfailing love of God. 

But I won’t lie, I wish this was easy too.  I wish a lot of things.  I wish I knew how to navigate these relationships without getting hurt.  I wish I always knew the right thing to do.  I wish I always loved them well.  I wish so many things hadn't happened in the lives of these women that set them up for failure.  I wish that knowing foster care was going to be hard would make it not feel as hard sometimes.  I wish I could love a baby like my own and also fiercely desire for her to go home to her mama without a war inside of my heart.  

IT IS HARD. 

Can I say something else?  (Please know that I feel a little raw right now so this comes from my fragile state. Thanks for understanding. :)) If and when she goes home or it starts heading in that direction I beg you not to say, “Well, you did sign up for this.”  I know guys.  Jeff and I both know.  It’s just that we already deeply love a little girl who doesn’t belong to us.  It’s what we are supposed to do.  The difficult thing here is that grief and loss show no mercy to the ones who know it may knock on their door.  Please let us be sad if we say goodbye to her down the road.  I love her mama, but I love her even more.  Jeff has an instinct to protect her.  So, when her safety seems threatened by (even my vain imaginations of) a family member popping up to take her we will suddenly feel a lot of things.  Please give us pep talks but please give us space to feel too.  I trust God with all of this, but I will still have to walk through all of the stages of grief should she leave us.  Please remember this if you have any friends in the trenches of foster care.  They aren’t stronger than most, they’re just willing.

I have felt weak over the last few days.  I haven’t felt like doing some things.  I haven’t wanted to go the extra mile.  After asking for prayer about this a friend reminded me of the advice I gave to "someone" a couple months ago.  Do the next right thing.  I had to lay my current feelings aside and obey.  I did the thing that I knew God wanted me to do. His strength enabled me.  He got me through a hard day, and although I was glad when it was over, it was good for me to have to lean on Him.  My feelings eventually came along after obedience led the way.  He even gave me tremendous grace by hearing the words “thank you" from the one who I was struggling to love.  She had no idea how God would use that in my heart.  

Oh how I need Him.  This is never less true than it is now, I am just keenly aware at the moment.  His grace IS sufficient.  I know that more than I know anything.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  

2 Corinthians 12:9

Summer...and the day I smelled like the primate house

Summer is over.  What in the world?

When school first got out we went through our usual near death experience of learning to be around each other all day, every day, again.  I was ready for school to start again the week Micah and Avery got out.  None of our children received the personality type that just likes to follow what the others are doing.  They all have their own idea of how they want things to go and don't bend easily.  It's so great.  Maybe they will be world leaders someday, raising the banner for issues that matter, unwavering in the face of opposition.  Even better, maybe they are going to be best friends and start some initiative together that will end world hunger.  Jeff and I will cry tears of joy as we see the labor and toil of 20+ years of parenting blooming before us.  We'll say, "Just look at them. It worked!  They DO love each other."  We tell them all of the time that they are each others best friends, so they need to act like it."  I know you can't force friendship, but I'm going to give brainwashing a try. There are bright spots that give me hope that it will come to pass, but time will tell.  Anyway, we survived the transition and then I got used to having 4 kids everyday.  While it is easier when someone is gone,  it's not the same.  Now I find myself feeling a little sad that summer is over.  Go figure. 

We had boring days, constant conflict days, and we also had some really fun days this summer.  The best part, by far, was having Baby L around.  Our kids LOVE her.  That is for another post though.

We did our usual family trips to Super Summer (youth camp) and The Project (mission trip) in St. Louis.  Our kids will not remember many family vacations in the summer but I think they will have great memories from time spent at both of those places every year.  They get to play with friends, eat ice cream in the cafeteria every day, get loved on by their college friends, and (for my own survival) we always get away and go places when Jeff is busy during the day.  The pool has become one of my favorite places on earth.  It is our happy place.  It is the one location where my kids never fight and everyone can have a good time.   Micah was even brave enough to go down the big slide this year!  I was so proud of him!  I am most sad that summer is over because we can no longer spend our days here.  Sigh.

 

We also made our annual trip to the zoo while we were in St. Louis.  This particular tradition seems like a good idea every year...and every year I end up asking myself, "WHY?????"  3 years ago when we went I was getting over a stomach bug, still dealing with morning sickness, and we were toting a 3 year old and an 11 month around.  It was also the same day that area schools were taking their field trip to the zoo.  I was miserable and wanted to be done before we even got to the entrance.  This year was about the same.  While we searched for parking baby L was not happy because she had dirtied her diaper. And because I didn't know how long it would take to find a parking spot I decided that I could just change her on my lap.  I am used to doing that with wet diapers so I thought I could handle it and save us time once we got parked.  I checked up her back for a blow out and thought we were good to go.  I pulled off her pants and brushed them across the front of my shirt as I was going to put them aside.  I look down to see poo was down her pant leg and NOW ALL OVER MY SHIRT.  Perfect.  I cannot convey how horrible formula diapers smell, except to say that we both smelled like the primate house.  Can you remember that smell and how it hits you like a brick wall the moment you set foot inside?  When we walked in to see the monkeys later I thought, "Yep. This is it. This is where we belong L." I didn't bring an extra shirt so I was reduced to wiping off what I could with wipes.  The only redeeming part of this was that I had on a charcoal colored t-shirt so you couldn't really see it.  Anyway, after we finally got parked everyone piled out of the van.  We brought another little friend with us so we had 5 kids total.  Honestly, her presence kept all of us from losing our ever loving minds.  The kids got along better with her in the mix and I didn't want to scar her by acting how I felt at certain moments. :)  Thank you, Haven.  My next genius idea was that I thought I could just carry L in the moby wrap and we could use the stroller for Avery and Ella.  Once we walked about 10 miles (or maybe it was a 1/2mile, I don't know) and got through the front gates I immediately decided that there was no way I could carry L around for the next 2 hours.  Jeff turned around (with a happy heart ;)) and went back to get her car seat. We were meeting up with some good friends, the Barbs, for this day-o-fun.  I met them just past the entrance with all of the kids, trying to wrangle on the sunshade that goes on the stroller. Micah immediately runs off to the nearest gift stand to tempt his unsatisfied heart.  From the start of the day he was obsessed with his desire to get something...anything.  My confession is that we created this monster by getting him something the last 2 years.  He would have been happy to buy something and leave without seeing one animal.  I was sweaty, frustrated, and ready to make a "trip to the bathroom" with my son less than 5 minutes in.  I felt bad for Haven and the Barbs who had inadvertently got sucked into this.  I couldn't even fake it when Kelly asked how we were doing.  Did I mention that I mistakenly thought it was going to be cool that day so I was wearing jeans?  So as we set off on this fun day in the sun I had on jeans, a stinky shirt, had a heat radiating baby attached to me, while pushing an eighteen wheeler a double stroller with a grumpy six year old at my side.  This, my friends, is why I do not even envy those of you who go to Disney World.  Happiest place on Earth?  I feel about 95% sure we would not come home alive.

We recovered and managed to have somewhat of a good time.  My feet were screaming by the time it was over but we conquered.  The funny thing is, the kids look back on it and think it was one of the best days ever.  I am thankful for laid back friends who endured with us.

`
If you read that whole story you deserve a medal. Now I leave you with pictures that document some of the highlights of our summer.  This is my "closure."  It's time to get excited about football, changing leaves, hoodies, and all things pumpkin.

First Cardinal game for the girls!  Mimi and Papa came over to St. Louis so someone could watch baby L and Papa could join us.

A rare selfie and this is the face he makes. :)

Obviously Jeff was in a silly mood.  I love catching that on camera. :)

Going down the big slide!

Getting some bike riding practice in...it was clear that we need to do this more. :)

Fun at Stephen's Lake Park with Micah's good friend, Addison.

Trips to the pool are always better with Bri and ice cream sandwiches.

Avery turned 4 this summer!!!

Annual Father's Day breakfast at the Mark Twain Dinette in Hannibal.

We took the kids to Java Jive, where I worked during college, to get some ice cream.

Baby L got to meet 2 of her foster great-grandmas on this day.  This is my grandma Marianne feeding her.  Sweet memory!

For Avery's birthday I took her to get her nails done for the first time.  Her friend Riley got to come with her.

It was fun to have a girl's day with some of our best friends!

Micah got really good on the scooter this summer.

We made several trips to the park during the summer when we needed to get out of the house.  I am thankful for some good parks here in Jefferson City!

The Finish Line

My heart is heavy today.  Anyone else?

There are times when this is warranted, and perhaps, exactly how we are supposed to feel.

  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

1    There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
      a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³    a time to kill and a time to heal,
      a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
      a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
      a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶    a time to search and a time to give up,
      a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷    a time to tear and a time to mend,
      a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸    a time to love and a time to hate,
      a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

I will not attempt to explain all of that.  I am in no form or fashion remotely close to a Bible scholar.  I know one pretty well that I can point you to with all of your questions though (you're welcome, Bill Victor ;).  I will say that this pretty much sums life though.  Like it or not.  Knowing all of the "whys" or not.  When sin entered the world, one side of the equation was set into motion.  All of the times to mourn, die, weep, throw away, tear down, hate, kill...this is part of life on earth because sin entered the picture.  

  

The horror of what is happening to religious minorities in Iraq, Robin Williams' untimely death, the upheaval in St. Louis that is deeply rooted in racial conflict, the waiting and unrest for friends and children in foster care waiting for judges to make decisions about their future, the grips of addiction on people's lives around me...these things in particular make my heart heavy today.  And this is my limited knowledge of suffering and pain today.  I am keenly aware that suffering is deep and widespread in the hearts of people I know nothing about.  God in His mercy spares us from knowing everything, because our hearts are not built to handle the weight of it all.  I, myself, am not directly suffering from any of these things, so I could just turn the music up and forget about it.  What can I do about it anyway?  It tempts my heart to despair.  Who wants to feel despair?  

But I feel as though God will not let me forget about it today.  

Not every crisis can be solved, I cannot fix people, I won't even have the chance to meet most of these people who I know are suffering and hurting today.  So, what then?

I hear Him say, as I recall the counsel of His Word, “Care for the hurting and the oppressed.  PRAY.  PRAY.  PRAY.  Abide...stay connected to Me.  Keep your heart on the altar and yes on the table.  Do whatever I ask you to do next.”  I don't have to dream up ways to insert myself into these problems or be a hero for anyone.  I only need to obey.  He doesn't speak to me in riddles.  He doesn't play hide and seek.  When I just stay connected to Him, He lets me know (sometimes with a nagging feeling) what He wants me to do.  I tend to over complicate things and  I don't always listen.  I definitely don't always obey. 

What I know God wants me to do today is pray. 

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.  Psalm 62:8

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:4-7

What I rejoice in today amidst the heaviness, especially when I think about the persecution of those who follow Jesus, is this:  HE WILL CARRY US SAFELY HOME.  This is so temporary.  The rest of forever is waiting at the finish line.  None of us know where the finish line will be or how we will cross it, but for every follower of Christ we know at least in part what waits on the other side...HIS MORE WONDERFUL THAN WE CAN EVEN IMAGINE FACE.  No more tears.  No more suffering.  All wrongs made right.  Eternal joy.  

This is the other side of the equation in Ecclesiastes.  Thank God for giving us a reason and time to dance, plant, heal, laugh, mend, gather...He has not abandoned us.  He is still moving and working and setting eternity in the hearts of men, women, and children.  He is with us and at work in the world.  I may not understand why He heals on one occasion and not another, but I trust HIM.  And I trust that one day I will understand when I am in His presence.

This is what keeps me from despairing about what is going on in Iraq.  This is what keeps me from loving my life on earth too much.  Losing sight of eternity is dangerous on both ends of the spectrum, whether we are suffering or enjoying all the good things earth has to offer.  When I fixate on the temporary I make idols of suffering AND gifts.  

I imagine this is crystal clear for many believers today.  

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Matthew 5:10  

  

I rejoice that some of our brothers and sisters are receiving the most glorious "welcome home" that there will ever be.  I am thankful for a God who will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  While we grieve here for the atrocities we see, there is already a celebration in heaven for those who have crossed their finish line.  

God, please help us to be brave, faithful, and to love our enemies all the way to ours. 

A Girl Named Grace

I know I should probably come back from a 2 month break with something other than this, but no one is grading my blog.  I am going to give you a summer update soon.  Don't fret. Ha. :) This particular post is what has pulled me from the writing rut.  So, this is for all those who feel discouraged and tired in whatever ministry God has called you to.  You are not alone.  This is not a promise that things get easier, but if we will see with eyes of faith and look for what God is doing there is often more happening than meets our natural eye.  Let us press on.  God has not left us alone in the desert.

Our church meets in a double wide trailer in the middle of a trailer park.  We have been doing ministry in this community for a little more than four years now.  It’s an understatement to say it has been SLOW going.   It has been difficult figuring out the best way to do that and to build relationships with people who live there.  There are massive needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually in those 70+ trailer homes.  It is transient and guarded in its DNA.  Addiction is common.  People's lives are messy.  At times, the hard work of being a part of a small community of believers (in general) where there is no paid staff to think about this mission field and keep the goal in front of us has felt overwhelming.  

Something needs to be done?  Look around the room folks.  

Don't feel like we are really engaging the community well?  Look in the mirror.  

Lacking in spiritual ferver and intimacy as a community?  Go look in the mirror again.  

There is no one to even falsely pass blame or responsibility to because "it's their job".  Everyone has other jobs, and families, and other relationships/responsibilities.  

The last year has been particularly hard and I have wanted to throw in the towel. We have seemed stuck spiritually and lacking in true community. My thoughts have been this:  I want to go to a church where I can sit and listen on a Sunday morning and someone else can "minister" to my kids while I drink awesome coffee.  (We have about as many children from birth to age 6 as we do adults.  Four of them being mine.  It’s awesome and ridiculously hard.)   I long to sit in rows, not a circle, while we worship through song.  I want someone to just preach a hard hitting sermon that I can ponder inwardly with no accountability instead of asking me, "What did you learn about God from this text?  How do you think God wants you to respond to that?”  Basically, I'd really like to quit.  I’m sick of this being hard and I'd like to find a perfect church that makes my life easier.  I JUST WANT WHAT I WANT.  Can that please be your will, God?  

Answer: Silence.  

There was nowhere else God was asking me to go.   Not surprising.  He rarely moves me from something just because it’s hard.  It is usually the place where He teaches me the most.  (Note: Hard is different than unhealthy.)  I continued to pray for our church and for my heart to be surrendered to God.  I had to trust  that God would lead everyone else away and the whole thing would fold, or a breakthrough was going to happen.  Sometimes things get incredibly difficult before they get better.  This was one of those times.  A breakthrough came a couple months ago by way of confession from one of our families.  Not a confession of sin in this case, but confession of pain and loss.  It opened the way for us to hurt with them, know how to pray for them, and regain deeper community.  God simply began to move in ways we had not experienced in quite some time.  He began to answer other prayers.  More people from the community began trickling in.  It feels like we have come back to life.

Last Sunday night a nine year old girl named Grace randomly showed up to join us.  She has lived in the trailer park for a few years and has come to Kid’s Club and other activities we have done from time to time.  She hadn’t been around for a while but she felt comfortable enough to come because of the familiarity she has with some of the grown-ups at our church.  She also came hungry, in every way.  She walked right in, grabbed a bag of chips and started eating immediately.  Our first response was, “Hey, Grace, you need to ask before you take food next time.”  The thought that she may have missed a meal today didn’t cross my mind.  When I looked back on the night I had a different perspective and response in my heart. We need rules when working with kids or else there is utter chaos.  Sometimes, however, the rules need to be forgotten.  If a kid is really hungry it’s best to get that need met first before trying to ask for their attention.  I have a hard time focusing when my stomach feels hungry and I have never missed a meal unless it was on purpose.  I began to realize how hungry she was when she asked about 5 times during Bible study when we were going to eat snack.  I think her main motivation for coming may have been to find something to eat.  I was slow on the uptake.   Lesson learned.

She wanted to sit in with the grownups instead of being with the other kids during our Bible Study.  She sat next to me and asked if she could hold the baby.  I let her for a little bit and pure delight was on her face.  She didn’t seem to be paying attention to what was going on around her as she just fixed her eyes on baby L.   At the end of our time when we share how we are doing and how we can pray for each other she raised her hand.  Jon called on her and she began to cry.  She talked about how sad she was that her dad abandoned them and hasn’t been there for her.  This was a first for us on a Sunday night. The room fell silent for a minute.  I didn’t know what to do except wrap my arms around her and cry too.  I told her we were so sorry that her dad wasn’t there for her but that she has a heavenly Father who loves her and will never leave her.  We moved on.  There were no fireworks and we didn’t hear angels singing on high so we knew this was a holy moment.  It would be easy to miss what really just happened. 

The reason she was even there came as the result of obedience to God to do Kid’s Club in a trailer park that was often poorly attended.  And because I seemed to be eternally pregnant or chasing our own kids around I wasn’t a part of that much.  I know it felt lackluster and those who gave themselves to it faithfully wondered if it really made a difference.  Grace acted like she had known Jeff and Jon since forever and it is because they were a constant presence at Kid's Club.  When I got up to make a bottle at one point Grace scooted over next to Jeff and “stole my seat."  She was there because she was hungry and she trusts them.  She is desperate for a dad in her life.  She was squirmy, fidgety, and had a hard time tracking with Matt Chandler (our guest preacher via video).  She may not have heard anything he said but it was such a huge win.  God drew her there.  She heard that He loves her.  She got something to eat.  She felt cared about.   That, my friends, is a big deal in God’s economy and He is responsible for all of it.  We get to be a part of it because of all that He has done in and through us along the way that we barely noticed.   I want to notice Him more.

It is hard to stay the course sometimes.  We read books and hear stories about the lives of faithful men and women.  Written in hindsight, years seem like days to us as we read about the struggle which ends in triumph or a life well lived.  It is inspiring but we want it to happen faster in our own lives.  We want to know our stories will end happily with more assurance along the way that our struggle, pain, and sacrifice will be worth it.  Sometimes my problem is how I measure something being “worth it.”  The happy ending on earth doesn’t make it “worth it.”  Jesus and the hope of glory makes it worth it.  There is nothing better than knowing Him.  Any suffering or sacrifice will someday seem light and momentary in comparison to the glory that awaits us in His presence.  He gave everything when He came to earth and rescued us.  He asks me to give Him my everything and then guess what He does...He gives me Himself.  

That is EVERYTHING. 

AND HE IS WORTH IT.  

 

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.   - Philippians 3:7-14