Summer...and the day I smelled like the primate house

Summer is over.  What in the world?

When school first got out we went through our usual near death experience of learning to be around each other all day, every day, again.  I was ready for school to start again the week Micah and Avery got out.  None of our children received the personality type that just likes to follow what the others are doing.  They all have their own idea of how they want things to go and don't bend easily.  It's so great.  Maybe they will be world leaders someday, raising the banner for issues that matter, unwavering in the face of opposition.  Even better, maybe they are going to be best friends and start some initiative together that will end world hunger.  Jeff and I will cry tears of joy as we see the labor and toil of 20+ years of parenting blooming before us.  We'll say, "Just look at them. It worked!  They DO love each other."  We tell them all of the time that they are each others best friends, so they need to act like it."  I know you can't force friendship, but I'm going to give brainwashing a try. There are bright spots that give me hope that it will come to pass, but time will tell.  Anyway, we survived the transition and then I got used to having 4 kids everyday.  While it is easier when someone is gone,  it's not the same.  Now I find myself feeling a little sad that summer is over.  Go figure. 

We had boring days, constant conflict days, and we also had some really fun days this summer.  The best part, by far, was having Baby L around.  Our kids LOVE her.  That is for another post though.

We did our usual family trips to Super Summer (youth camp) and The Project (mission trip) in St. Louis.  Our kids will not remember many family vacations in the summer but I think they will have great memories from time spent at both of those places every year.  They get to play with friends, eat ice cream in the cafeteria every day, get loved on by their college friends, and (for my own survival) we always get away and go places when Jeff is busy during the day.  The pool has become one of my favorite places on earth.  It is our happy place.  It is the one location where my kids never fight and everyone can have a good time.   Micah was even brave enough to go down the big slide this year!  I was so proud of him!  I am most sad that summer is over because we can no longer spend our days here.  Sigh.

 

We also made our annual trip to the zoo while we were in St. Louis.  This particular tradition seems like a good idea every year...and every year I end up asking myself, "WHY?????"  3 years ago when we went I was getting over a stomach bug, still dealing with morning sickness, and we were toting a 3 year old and an 11 month around.  It was also the same day that area schools were taking their field trip to the zoo.  I was miserable and wanted to be done before we even got to the entrance.  This year was about the same.  While we searched for parking baby L was not happy because she had dirtied her diaper. And because I didn't know how long it would take to find a parking spot I decided that I could just change her on my lap.  I am used to doing that with wet diapers so I thought I could handle it and save us time once we got parked.  I checked up her back for a blow out and thought we were good to go.  I pulled off her pants and brushed them across the front of my shirt as I was going to put them aside.  I look down to see poo was down her pant leg and NOW ALL OVER MY SHIRT.  Perfect.  I cannot convey how horrible formula diapers smell, except to say that we both smelled like the primate house.  Can you remember that smell and how it hits you like a brick wall the moment you set foot inside?  When we walked in to see the monkeys later I thought, "Yep. This is it. This is where we belong L." I didn't bring an extra shirt so I was reduced to wiping off what I could with wipes.  The only redeeming part of this was that I had on a charcoal colored t-shirt so you couldn't really see it.  Anyway, after we finally got parked everyone piled out of the van.  We brought another little friend with us so we had 5 kids total.  Honestly, her presence kept all of us from losing our ever loving minds.  The kids got along better with her in the mix and I didn't want to scar her by acting how I felt at certain moments. :)  Thank you, Haven.  My next genius idea was that I thought I could just carry L in the moby wrap and we could use the stroller for Avery and Ella.  Once we walked about 10 miles (or maybe it was a 1/2mile, I don't know) and got through the front gates I immediately decided that there was no way I could carry L around for the next 2 hours.  Jeff turned around (with a happy heart ;)) and went back to get her car seat. We were meeting up with some good friends, the Barbs, for this day-o-fun.  I met them just past the entrance with all of the kids, trying to wrangle on the sunshade that goes on the stroller. Micah immediately runs off to the nearest gift stand to tempt his unsatisfied heart.  From the start of the day he was obsessed with his desire to get something...anything.  My confession is that we created this monster by getting him something the last 2 years.  He would have been happy to buy something and leave without seeing one animal.  I was sweaty, frustrated, and ready to make a "trip to the bathroom" with my son less than 5 minutes in.  I felt bad for Haven and the Barbs who had inadvertently got sucked into this.  I couldn't even fake it when Kelly asked how we were doing.  Did I mention that I mistakenly thought it was going to be cool that day so I was wearing jeans?  So as we set off on this fun day in the sun I had on jeans, a stinky shirt, had a heat radiating baby attached to me, while pushing an eighteen wheeler a double stroller with a grumpy six year old at my side.  This, my friends, is why I do not even envy those of you who go to Disney World.  Happiest place on Earth?  I feel about 95% sure we would not come home alive.

We recovered and managed to have somewhat of a good time.  My feet were screaming by the time it was over but we conquered.  The funny thing is, the kids look back on it and think it was one of the best days ever.  I am thankful for laid back friends who endured with us.

`
If you read that whole story you deserve a medal. Now I leave you with pictures that document some of the highlights of our summer.  This is my "closure."  It's time to get excited about football, changing leaves, hoodies, and all things pumpkin.

First Cardinal game for the girls!  Mimi and Papa came over to St. Louis so someone could watch baby L and Papa could join us.

A rare selfie and this is the face he makes. :)

Obviously Jeff was in a silly mood.  I love catching that on camera. :)

Going down the big slide!

Getting some bike riding practice in...it was clear that we need to do this more. :)

Fun at Stephen's Lake Park with Micah's good friend, Addison.

Trips to the pool are always better with Bri and ice cream sandwiches.

Avery turned 4 this summer!!!

Annual Father's Day breakfast at the Mark Twain Dinette in Hannibal.

We took the kids to Java Jive, where I worked during college, to get some ice cream.

Baby L got to meet 2 of her foster great-grandmas on this day.  This is my grandma Marianne feeding her.  Sweet memory!

For Avery's birthday I took her to get her nails done for the first time.  Her friend Riley got to come with her.

It was fun to have a girl's day with some of our best friends!

Micah got really good on the scooter this summer.

We made several trips to the park during the summer when we needed to get out of the house.  I am thankful for some good parks here in Jefferson City!

The Finish Line

My heart is heavy today.  Anyone else?

There are times when this is warranted, and perhaps, exactly how we are supposed to feel.

  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

1    There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
      a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³    a time to kill and a time to heal,
      a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
      a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
      a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶    a time to search and a time to give up,
      a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷    a time to tear and a time to mend,
      a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸    a time to love and a time to hate,
      a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

I will not attempt to explain all of that.  I am in no form or fashion remotely close to a Bible scholar.  I know one pretty well that I can point you to with all of your questions though (you're welcome, Bill Victor ;).  I will say that this pretty much sums life though.  Like it or not.  Knowing all of the "whys" or not.  When sin entered the world, one side of the equation was set into motion.  All of the times to mourn, die, weep, throw away, tear down, hate, kill...this is part of life on earth because sin entered the picture.  

  

The horror of what is happening to religious minorities in Iraq, Robin Williams' untimely death, the upheaval in St. Louis that is deeply rooted in racial conflict, the waiting and unrest for friends and children in foster care waiting for judges to make decisions about their future, the grips of addiction on people's lives around me...these things in particular make my heart heavy today.  And this is my limited knowledge of suffering and pain today.  I am keenly aware that suffering is deep and widespread in the hearts of people I know nothing about.  God in His mercy spares us from knowing everything, because our hearts are not built to handle the weight of it all.  I, myself, am not directly suffering from any of these things, so I could just turn the music up and forget about it.  What can I do about it anyway?  It tempts my heart to despair.  Who wants to feel despair?  

But I feel as though God will not let me forget about it today.  

Not every crisis can be solved, I cannot fix people, I won't even have the chance to meet most of these people who I know are suffering and hurting today.  So, what then?

I hear Him say, as I recall the counsel of His Word, “Care for the hurting and the oppressed.  PRAY.  PRAY.  PRAY.  Abide...stay connected to Me.  Keep your heart on the altar and yes on the table.  Do whatever I ask you to do next.”  I don't have to dream up ways to insert myself into these problems or be a hero for anyone.  I only need to obey.  He doesn't speak to me in riddles.  He doesn't play hide and seek.  When I just stay connected to Him, He lets me know (sometimes with a nagging feeling) what He wants me to do.  I tend to over complicate things and  I don't always listen.  I definitely don't always obey. 

What I know God wants me to do today is pray. 

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.  Psalm 62:8

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:4-7

What I rejoice in today amidst the heaviness, especially when I think about the persecution of those who follow Jesus, is this:  HE WILL CARRY US SAFELY HOME.  This is so temporary.  The rest of forever is waiting at the finish line.  None of us know where the finish line will be or how we will cross it, but for every follower of Christ we know at least in part what waits on the other side...HIS MORE WONDERFUL THAN WE CAN EVEN IMAGINE FACE.  No more tears.  No more suffering.  All wrongs made right.  Eternal joy.  

This is the other side of the equation in Ecclesiastes.  Thank God for giving us a reason and time to dance, plant, heal, laugh, mend, gather...He has not abandoned us.  He is still moving and working and setting eternity in the hearts of men, women, and children.  He is with us and at work in the world.  I may not understand why He heals on one occasion and not another, but I trust HIM.  And I trust that one day I will understand when I am in His presence.

This is what keeps me from despairing about what is going on in Iraq.  This is what keeps me from loving my life on earth too much.  Losing sight of eternity is dangerous on both ends of the spectrum, whether we are suffering or enjoying all the good things earth has to offer.  When I fixate on the temporary I make idols of suffering AND gifts.  

I imagine this is crystal clear for many believers today.  

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Matthew 5:10  

  

I rejoice that some of our brothers and sisters are receiving the most glorious "welcome home" that there will ever be.  I am thankful for a God who will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  While we grieve here for the atrocities we see, there is already a celebration in heaven for those who have crossed their finish line.  

God, please help us to be brave, faithful, and to love our enemies all the way to ours. 

A Girl Named Grace

I know I should probably come back from a 2 month break with something other than this, but no one is grading my blog.  I am going to give you a summer update soon.  Don't fret. Ha. :) This particular post is what has pulled me from the writing rut.  So, this is for all those who feel discouraged and tired in whatever ministry God has called you to.  You are not alone.  This is not a promise that things get easier, but if we will see with eyes of faith and look for what God is doing there is often more happening than meets our natural eye.  Let us press on.  God has not left us alone in the desert.

Our church meets in a double wide trailer in the middle of a trailer park.  We have been doing ministry in this community for a little more than four years now.  It’s an understatement to say it has been SLOW going.   It has been difficult figuring out the best way to do that and to build relationships with people who live there.  There are massive needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually in those 70+ trailer homes.  It is transient and guarded in its DNA.  Addiction is common.  People's lives are messy.  At times, the hard work of being a part of a small community of believers (in general) where there is no paid staff to think about this mission field and keep the goal in front of us has felt overwhelming.  

Something needs to be done?  Look around the room folks.  

Don't feel like we are really engaging the community well?  Look in the mirror.  

Lacking in spiritual ferver and intimacy as a community?  Go look in the mirror again.  

There is no one to even falsely pass blame or responsibility to because "it's their job".  Everyone has other jobs, and families, and other relationships/responsibilities.  

The last year has been particularly hard and I have wanted to throw in the towel. We have seemed stuck spiritually and lacking in true community. My thoughts have been this:  I want to go to a church where I can sit and listen on a Sunday morning and someone else can "minister" to my kids while I drink awesome coffee.  (We have about as many children from birth to age 6 as we do adults.  Four of them being mine.  It’s awesome and ridiculously hard.)   I long to sit in rows, not a circle, while we worship through song.  I want someone to just preach a hard hitting sermon that I can ponder inwardly with no accountability instead of asking me, "What did you learn about God from this text?  How do you think God wants you to respond to that?”  Basically, I'd really like to quit.  I’m sick of this being hard and I'd like to find a perfect church that makes my life easier.  I JUST WANT WHAT I WANT.  Can that please be your will, God?  

Answer: Silence.  

There was nowhere else God was asking me to go.   Not surprising.  He rarely moves me from something just because it’s hard.  It is usually the place where He teaches me the most.  (Note: Hard is different than unhealthy.)  I continued to pray for our church and for my heart to be surrendered to God.  I had to trust  that God would lead everyone else away and the whole thing would fold, or a breakthrough was going to happen.  Sometimes things get incredibly difficult before they get better.  This was one of those times.  A breakthrough came a couple months ago by way of confession from one of our families.  Not a confession of sin in this case, but confession of pain and loss.  It opened the way for us to hurt with them, know how to pray for them, and regain deeper community.  God simply began to move in ways we had not experienced in quite some time.  He began to answer other prayers.  More people from the community began trickling in.  It feels like we have come back to life.

Last Sunday night a nine year old girl named Grace randomly showed up to join us.  She has lived in the trailer park for a few years and has come to Kid’s Club and other activities we have done from time to time.  She hadn’t been around for a while but she felt comfortable enough to come because of the familiarity she has with some of the grown-ups at our church.  She also came hungry, in every way.  She walked right in, grabbed a bag of chips and started eating immediately.  Our first response was, “Hey, Grace, you need to ask before you take food next time.”  The thought that she may have missed a meal today didn’t cross my mind.  When I looked back on the night I had a different perspective and response in my heart. We need rules when working with kids or else there is utter chaos.  Sometimes, however, the rules need to be forgotten.  If a kid is really hungry it’s best to get that need met first before trying to ask for their attention.  I have a hard time focusing when my stomach feels hungry and I have never missed a meal unless it was on purpose.  I began to realize how hungry she was when she asked about 5 times during Bible study when we were going to eat snack.  I think her main motivation for coming may have been to find something to eat.  I was slow on the uptake.   Lesson learned.

She wanted to sit in with the grownups instead of being with the other kids during our Bible Study.  She sat next to me and asked if she could hold the baby.  I let her for a little bit and pure delight was on her face.  She didn’t seem to be paying attention to what was going on around her as she just fixed her eyes on baby L.   At the end of our time when we share how we are doing and how we can pray for each other she raised her hand.  Jon called on her and she began to cry.  She talked about how sad she was that her dad abandoned them and hasn’t been there for her.  This was a first for us on a Sunday night. The room fell silent for a minute.  I didn’t know what to do except wrap my arms around her and cry too.  I told her we were so sorry that her dad wasn’t there for her but that she has a heavenly Father who loves her and will never leave her.  We moved on.  There were no fireworks and we didn’t hear angels singing on high so we knew this was a holy moment.  It would be easy to miss what really just happened. 

The reason she was even there came as the result of obedience to God to do Kid’s Club in a trailer park that was often poorly attended.  And because I seemed to be eternally pregnant or chasing our own kids around I wasn’t a part of that much.  I know it felt lackluster and those who gave themselves to it faithfully wondered if it really made a difference.  Grace acted like she had known Jeff and Jon since forever and it is because they were a constant presence at Kid's Club.  When I got up to make a bottle at one point Grace scooted over next to Jeff and “stole my seat."  She was there because she was hungry and she trusts them.  She is desperate for a dad in her life.  She was squirmy, fidgety, and had a hard time tracking with Matt Chandler (our guest preacher via video).  She may not have heard anything he said but it was such a huge win.  God drew her there.  She heard that He loves her.  She got something to eat.  She felt cared about.   That, my friends, is a big deal in God’s economy and He is responsible for all of it.  We get to be a part of it because of all that He has done in and through us along the way that we barely noticed.   I want to notice Him more.

It is hard to stay the course sometimes.  We read books and hear stories about the lives of faithful men and women.  Written in hindsight, years seem like days to us as we read about the struggle which ends in triumph or a life well lived.  It is inspiring but we want it to happen faster in our own lives.  We want to know our stories will end happily with more assurance along the way that our struggle, pain, and sacrifice will be worth it.  Sometimes my problem is how I measure something being “worth it.”  The happy ending on earth doesn’t make it “worth it.”  Jesus and the hope of glory makes it worth it.  There is nothing better than knowing Him.  Any suffering or sacrifice will someday seem light and momentary in comparison to the glory that awaits us in His presence.  He gave everything when He came to earth and rescued us.  He asks me to give Him my everything and then guess what He does...He gives me Himself.  

That is EVERYTHING. 

AND HE IS WORTH IT.  

 

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.   - Philippians 3:7-14

God's Presence In A Holding Cell

The first few days after baby girl's placement with us were CRAZY.  Between Monday and Wednesday morning we had our first FST meeting, 2 doctor appointments, a home visit from our case worker, a face to face meeting with her parents at the courthouse, and another home visit from someone at children's division to update our paperwork.  If you know me, you know how I feel about a crowded schedule.  On top of now having four kids to care for I felt a little smothered and bossed around.  Not only that, it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to learn your way around the lingo and get to know a whole new set of people.  I sent a text to a friend who works in that world and lamented about how they were keeping me so busy that my house was going to pot and I could barely take care of the kids, which is my JOB.

But hey, come on over everyone!  Take tours of our house!  Just watch your step and don't trip over all of the choking hazards, snack remnants, and miscellaneous junk strewn about on the floor.  Please observe how well we are functioning here in this chaos, and please PLEASE feel free to ask me whatever you want.

It is a very vulnerable place to be.  She laughed and tried to put me at ease.  She said it is always this way right after placement but it would calm down soon. (She was right.)  By the way, I don't begrudge anyone for doing their job (anymore ;)).  I am thankful they do theirs so I can do mine.

Tuesday morning came.  The whole day will be forever marked in my memory.  The last time I remember going to a courthouse was to get a marriage license.  I missed the 2 minute PC hearing because I couldn't find parking or the room where it was being held so I caught up with Jeff and the rest of the team to do our meeting with mom and dad.  We crowded onto a small elevator and went downstairs.  We got out and were escorted to a holding cell.  That is where we were having our meetings...a holding cell.  We all filed in and sat on metal benches on each side of the cell and mama sat in a chair at the backside of the cell facing us. In my very safe and sheltered life I have never been that close to someone in handcuffs and a jumpsuit, and I have definitely never been in a holding cell. Everything about this was uncomfortable.  God basically brought the wrecking ball out and went to town on my comfort zone. 

Let's pause here so I can share what I read that morning before my feet even hit the floor.  I read a devotional called "How to Hate Your Life."  What a feel good title, right?  It was based on this...

Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. -John 12:24-25

You know what I was hearing God say to me?  Take up my cross and die to the desires of the flesh...to condemn, to judge, to want punishment.  Instead, be a conduit of His grace and love not only to a precious baby girl but also her mom and dad.  They need His grace no more and no less than I do.  I heard VERY CLEARLY that my marching orders were to show them God's love and grace.  It is not my job to play hard ball with them or establish consequences for their actions.  I am glad someone does have that job.  They need it if they are going to overcome some demons in their life.  But no one else has the freedom Jeff and I have to speak the name of Jesus and tell them about His love.  No one else is holding their baby in the middle of the night and can ask the questions or say what I think she would want to say to them years down the road.  I cannot muster this on my own you guys, I have a natural propensity to want justice.  I am really normal and I am not some superhero spiritual person that has a secret phone line to God.  My only explanation here is that GOD SHOWED UP because I sat still in His presence long enough to listen.  As a result, while we sat in that cell together I felt overcome with love for them.  I wanted them to be free and to experience the love of Jesus in their life.  I wanted them to be whole.  I looked into her mama's eyes and begged her to fight because her little girl needs her in her life.  I told her about how sweet her baby is and how I think she has her eyes.  "Do you really think so?" She said through her tears.  Her tenderness toward Jeff and I was astounding.

God's presence in that place was undeniable.

When the meeting was over everyone got up and walked out so they could move mama out and daddy in for our meeting with him.  I waited till everyone left and walked over and hugged her.  It is one of the few times in my life that I heard God tell me to do something very specific.  An image of me hugging her had flashed into my mind as I read His Word that morning and I heard Him say it again in my spirit as I sat there.   So I did.  She wept on my shoulder and I whispered in her ear, "It's time to fight.  You've got to fight for this."  I just held her for several seconds before the guard came in to get her.

Our meeting with daddy went well.  Jeff talked to him first and he was very respectful.  Every time we spoke to him he had tears in his eyes.  Before we left I felt like his baby girl would want him to know something if her 15 year old self could be in that room.  I said to him, "Regardless of what the months and years ahead will bring, you will ALWAYS be a huge part of her life.  You are a piece of her puzzle.  She needs you. Please please please write to her."  He nodded with tears in his eyes and we both shook his hand before we left.

I held in all of my emotion (that is a miracle) until I got back in the van.  I sat there and wept.  WHAT IS THIS?  Less than a week ago I had no idea these people existed and today I have been dropped right into the middle of their lives and brokenness.  We are caring for their baby that was born days earlier.  This is surreal.

I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  I feel pretty sure I will be mad and my heart will resist wanting to pray for their freedom at times.  I may love their little girl so much that I don't want her to leave.  I may not feel like their progress and effort is deserving of her.  I know this is going to be gut wrenching and hard down the road.  I will have to die to myself over and over.  I will need others to hold my arms up in the battle.  You with me friends?  I am even more sure of this:  The God who loves me and loves them will not abandon me or leave my heart broken.  He may crush me so that someone else can find eternal life, but He will bind me up should that happen.  If I am honest, I think that would be the most beautiful way this story could play out.  Guarding my heart used to mean protecting myself from heartbreak.  I have learned better over the last ten years.  No one is exempt from heartbreak no matter how we try to insulate ourselves from it.  God says if we will follow Him we must take up our cross...and die.  This is for His glory, our good, and so others might know this Love too.  Anything that will make my heart more like His will never be wasted.  I believe this.  You may call me crazy, but at least you know why.

He is not safe, but HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task The Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of His grace.  Acts 20:24

Holding A Miracle

There is an ebb and flow to life.  We all experience this. There are calm seasons and there are busy seasons.  Sometimes things gradually change and sometimes your world is turned upside down in a day. You remember how I started my last post? 

 "It has been pretty calm here on the home front..."  

That makes me laugh in my head every time I read it.  Over the last week our world has changed so fast my head is spinning.  Most of you already know, but in case you don't, we got our first foster care placement last Saturday afternoon. I was standing in line to pay at the salon and saw that I had a voice mail.  A caseworker from our county's children's division left a message.  She wanted to know if we would be interested in fostering a baby girl who had just been born on Wednesday.  She had been exposed to unsafe things during pregnancy but was doing great.  She was going to be released on Saturday.  Jeff had also received a phone call about it and sent me a text saying to call him ASAP.  (If I use all caps it just means I am saying it with emphasis or a little more emotion.  If Jeff uses all caps it means the sky is falling or we just won a million dollars.)  I would have been alarmed if I didn't already know what it was about.  I called him back we decided in about 10 seconds that our answer was yes. I hung up the the phone and let it sink in.

We are getting a baby tomorrow.  WE ARE GETTING A BABY TOMORROW.

I felt excited and scared...happy and sad.  My mental checklist kicked into high gear and I went straight to Target.  I paced the aisles waiting for the caseworker to call and tell me what size of diapers to buy and what kind of formula she needed.  Our friends rallied and helped us get what we needed on short notice and people prayed.  If ever I have felt like others were praying for me, it has been over the last week.  There have been so many ways that He has provided, worked out details, and given us peace that passes understanding.

We walked into a very quiet hospital on Saturday afternoon and met a caseworker and nurse who had us go to an unoccupied room.  They wheeled baby girl in the room and began walking us through the discharge information.  I didn't get to have a super special moment of doting and crying over her like I wanted.  It was all business.  She gave us a checklist of health symptoms to watch for, gave us minimal information about her birth mom, told us she was a good eater and handed us an envelope for the pediatrician.  They walked us down, we put her in the van, and off we went.  WHOA.  Just like when we took Micah home from the hospital, I felt very unprepared to be leaving the hospital with her.  Nonetheless, the wheels were turning and this is what we signed up for...the unknown.  Just so you all know, we are okay with that.  The road ahead is going to be wonderful, difficult and scary. We are going to fall in love with this little girl and we have no idea how it will all end.

But we know one thing.  She is a miracle. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you  when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:13-16

Slacking and Soccer

Hi all.  It has been pretty calm here on the home front over the last few weeks.  I thought I would go ahead and give you an update since I feel this insatiable need to say SOMETHING.

We got our first foster care placement call yesterday but it wasn't a good fit.  It was for a 6 year old boy who has several diagnoses.  It would be a disaster for him to land at this address.  It was still hard to say no.  It did hit me today when I walked into the spare/baby room that we are NOT ready.  We don't even have a mattress people.  PANIC.  Someone, who shall remain nameless, didn't like the one I bought last week.  As if I had time to do research whilst shopping with a 1 and 2 year old.  Pshhhh.  I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to buy one that day.  I get in a mood to get things done every once in a while.  Two toddlers in tow with a cart full of groceries?  Whatever, I'm doing this.  The next day I can't even get a load of laundry done because it's just TOO MUCH.  Anyone else?  No?  Anyway, I forgot about the mattress, the room, and everything in it after that day.  And then I walked into this a while ago.  

 

The picture doesn't do it justice, but this room has become a catch all for toys and I have cleared out exactly zero closet or drawer space for another child.  I called Jeff and declared a state of emergency.  We have to get this in order before we get another call.  I don't want to think about choking hazards, a mattress, closet space, or clearing a path just to get to the bed on the day another small child comes to live with us.  This weekend is go time.  

I also have a kid who just finished playing his first sport and will have one year of school under his belt in a few short weeks.  My baby boy.
 

You guys, this makes me so happy and sad all at the same time.  I know you get why.  I have more vivid memories of Micah's babyhood because he was the only one around.  I savored it.  He pulls at my sentimental heart strings to the max.  He also has the special ability to make me mad faster than the other two, but the one helps balance out the other.  He is still young, but I already love who he is becoming.  He may turn out more like his dad than I originally thought.  The world will be the better for it too.  In reflection over his soccer season I would say I have two observations.  1) I am still competitive and will be clasping my hand over my mouth A LOT in the years to come.  He is only six and playing a sport I know almost nothing about but I still want to shout helpful phrases like..."Turn it!"  "Kick it Micah!  "You don't have to take turns right now!"  "Pay attention!" Once he looked at me when I told him to hustle and just shook his head no.  Oh my goodness. :)  He doesn't have the fire in his eye...yet.  Jeff's genetics seem to be winning at the moment (why is everything about winning?) but I'm holding out hope for basketball.   2) He ended up scoring 2 goals in the last 2 games!!!  You might guess that to be the highlight of his season, but getting a medal and hanging out with his friends actually seemed to be the best part.  I will  leave you with the proof. 

                                      

Where's the game?  Who cares.  Do you love how they have the whole bench but are RIGHT next to each other?  They will be too cool to sit that close to someone in a few years, but I love how they don't care right now.
  

Micah's friend is pretty reserved and doesn't walk around grinning from ear to ear, but Micah just brings out the silly in him. I asked him what he says to get him to smile or laugh so much.  Micah said, "I tell him jokes!"  Of course. :)