A Girl Named Grace

I know I should probably come back from a 2 month break with something other than this, but no one is grading my blog.  I am going to give you a summer update soon.  Don't fret. Ha. :) This particular post is what has pulled me from the writing rut.  So, this is for all those who feel discouraged and tired in whatever ministry God has called you to.  You are not alone.  This is not a promise that things get easier, but if we will see with eyes of faith and look for what God is doing there is often more happening than meets our natural eye.  Let us press on.  God has not left us alone in the desert.

Our church meets in a double wide trailer in the middle of a trailer park.  We have been doing ministry in this community for a little more than four years now.  It’s an understatement to say it has been SLOW going.   It has been difficult figuring out the best way to do that and to build relationships with people who live there.  There are massive needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually in those 70+ trailer homes.  It is transient and guarded in its DNA.  Addiction is common.  People's lives are messy.  At times, the hard work of being a part of a small community of believers (in general) where there is no paid staff to think about this mission field and keep the goal in front of us has felt overwhelming.  

Something needs to be done?  Look around the room folks.  

Don't feel like we are really engaging the community well?  Look in the mirror.  

Lacking in spiritual ferver and intimacy as a community?  Go look in the mirror again.  

There is no one to even falsely pass blame or responsibility to because "it's their job".  Everyone has other jobs, and families, and other relationships/responsibilities.  

The last year has been particularly hard and I have wanted to throw in the towel. We have seemed stuck spiritually and lacking in true community. My thoughts have been this:  I want to go to a church where I can sit and listen on a Sunday morning and someone else can "minister" to my kids while I drink awesome coffee.  (We have about as many children from birth to age 6 as we do adults.  Four of them being mine.  It’s awesome and ridiculously hard.)   I long to sit in rows, not a circle, while we worship through song.  I want someone to just preach a hard hitting sermon that I can ponder inwardly with no accountability instead of asking me, "What did you learn about God from this text?  How do you think God wants you to respond to that?”  Basically, I'd really like to quit.  I’m sick of this being hard and I'd like to find a perfect church that makes my life easier.  I JUST WANT WHAT I WANT.  Can that please be your will, God?  

Answer: Silence.  

There was nowhere else God was asking me to go.   Not surprising.  He rarely moves me from something just because it’s hard.  It is usually the place where He teaches me the most.  (Note: Hard is different than unhealthy.)  I continued to pray for our church and for my heart to be surrendered to God.  I had to trust  that God would lead everyone else away and the whole thing would fold, or a breakthrough was going to happen.  Sometimes things get incredibly difficult before they get better.  This was one of those times.  A breakthrough came a couple months ago by way of confession from one of our families.  Not a confession of sin in this case, but confession of pain and loss.  It opened the way for us to hurt with them, know how to pray for them, and regain deeper community.  God simply began to move in ways we had not experienced in quite some time.  He began to answer other prayers.  More people from the community began trickling in.  It feels like we have come back to life.

Last Sunday night a nine year old girl named Grace randomly showed up to join us.  She has lived in the trailer park for a few years and has come to Kid’s Club and other activities we have done from time to time.  She hadn’t been around for a while but she felt comfortable enough to come because of the familiarity she has with some of the grown-ups at our church.  She also came hungry, in every way.  She walked right in, grabbed a bag of chips and started eating immediately.  Our first response was, “Hey, Grace, you need to ask before you take food next time.”  The thought that she may have missed a meal today didn’t cross my mind.  When I looked back on the night I had a different perspective and response in my heart. We need rules when working with kids or else there is utter chaos.  Sometimes, however, the rules need to be forgotten.  If a kid is really hungry it’s best to get that need met first before trying to ask for their attention.  I have a hard time focusing when my stomach feels hungry and I have never missed a meal unless it was on purpose.  I began to realize how hungry she was when she asked about 5 times during Bible study when we were going to eat snack.  I think her main motivation for coming may have been to find something to eat.  I was slow on the uptake.   Lesson learned.

She wanted to sit in with the grownups instead of being with the other kids during our Bible Study.  She sat next to me and asked if she could hold the baby.  I let her for a little bit and pure delight was on her face.  She didn’t seem to be paying attention to what was going on around her as she just fixed her eyes on baby L.   At the end of our time when we share how we are doing and how we can pray for each other she raised her hand.  Jon called on her and she began to cry.  She talked about how sad she was that her dad abandoned them and hasn’t been there for her.  This was a first for us on a Sunday night. The room fell silent for a minute.  I didn’t know what to do except wrap my arms around her and cry too.  I told her we were so sorry that her dad wasn’t there for her but that she has a heavenly Father who loves her and will never leave her.  We moved on.  There were no fireworks and we didn’t hear angels singing on high so we knew this was a holy moment.  It would be easy to miss what really just happened. 

The reason she was even there came as the result of obedience to God to do Kid’s Club in a trailer park that was often poorly attended.  And because I seemed to be eternally pregnant or chasing our own kids around I wasn’t a part of that much.  I know it felt lackluster and those who gave themselves to it faithfully wondered if it really made a difference.  Grace acted like she had known Jeff and Jon since forever and it is because they were a constant presence at Kid's Club.  When I got up to make a bottle at one point Grace scooted over next to Jeff and “stole my seat."  She was there because she was hungry and she trusts them.  She is desperate for a dad in her life.  She was squirmy, fidgety, and had a hard time tracking with Matt Chandler (our guest preacher via video).  She may not have heard anything he said but it was such a huge win.  God drew her there.  She heard that He loves her.  She got something to eat.  She felt cared about.   That, my friends, is a big deal in God’s economy and He is responsible for all of it.  We get to be a part of it because of all that He has done in and through us along the way that we barely noticed.   I want to notice Him more.

It is hard to stay the course sometimes.  We read books and hear stories about the lives of faithful men and women.  Written in hindsight, years seem like days to us as we read about the struggle which ends in triumph or a life well lived.  It is inspiring but we want it to happen faster in our own lives.  We want to know our stories will end happily with more assurance along the way that our struggle, pain, and sacrifice will be worth it.  Sometimes my problem is how I measure something being “worth it.”  The happy ending on earth doesn’t make it “worth it.”  Jesus and the hope of glory makes it worth it.  There is nothing better than knowing Him.  Any suffering or sacrifice will someday seem light and momentary in comparison to the glory that awaits us in His presence.  He gave everything when He came to earth and rescued us.  He asks me to give Him my everything and then guess what He does...He gives me Himself.  

That is EVERYTHING. 

AND HE IS WORTH IT.  

 

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.   - Philippians 3:7-14

God's Presence In A Holding Cell

The first few days after baby girl's placement with us were CRAZY.  Between Monday and Wednesday morning we had our first FST meeting, 2 doctor appointments, a home visit from our case worker, a face to face meeting with her parents at the courthouse, and another home visit from someone at children's division to update our paperwork.  If you know me, you know how I feel about a crowded schedule.  On top of now having four kids to care for I felt a little smothered and bossed around.  Not only that, it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to learn your way around the lingo and get to know a whole new set of people.  I sent a text to a friend who works in that world and lamented about how they were keeping me so busy that my house was going to pot and I could barely take care of the kids, which is my JOB.

But hey, come on over everyone!  Take tours of our house!  Just watch your step and don't trip over all of the choking hazards, snack remnants, and miscellaneous junk strewn about on the floor.  Please observe how well we are functioning here in this chaos, and please PLEASE feel free to ask me whatever you want.

It is a very vulnerable place to be.  She laughed and tried to put me at ease.  She said it is always this way right after placement but it would calm down soon. (She was right.)  By the way, I don't begrudge anyone for doing their job (anymore ;)).  I am thankful they do theirs so I can do mine.

Tuesday morning came.  The whole day will be forever marked in my memory.  The last time I remember going to a courthouse was to get a marriage license.  I missed the 2 minute PC hearing because I couldn't find parking or the room where it was being held so I caught up with Jeff and the rest of the team to do our meeting with mom and dad.  We crowded onto a small elevator and went downstairs.  We got out and were escorted to a holding cell.  That is where we were having our meetings...a holding cell.  We all filed in and sat on metal benches on each side of the cell and mama sat in a chair at the backside of the cell facing us. In my very safe and sheltered life I have never been that close to someone in handcuffs and a jumpsuit, and I have definitely never been in a holding cell. Everything about this was uncomfortable.  God basically brought the wrecking ball out and went to town on my comfort zone. 

Let's pause here so I can share what I read that morning before my feet even hit the floor.  I read a devotional called "How to Hate Your Life."  What a feel good title, right?  It was based on this...

Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. -John 12:24-25

You know what I was hearing God say to me?  Take up my cross and die to the desires of the flesh...to condemn, to judge, to want punishment.  Instead, be a conduit of His grace and love not only to a precious baby girl but also her mom and dad.  They need His grace no more and no less than I do.  I heard VERY CLEARLY that my marching orders were to show them God's love and grace.  It is not my job to play hard ball with them or establish consequences for their actions.  I am glad someone does have that job.  They need it if they are going to overcome some demons in their life.  But no one else has the freedom Jeff and I have to speak the name of Jesus and tell them about His love.  No one else is holding their baby in the middle of the night and can ask the questions or say what I think she would want to say to them years down the road.  I cannot muster this on my own you guys, I have a natural propensity to want justice.  I am really normal and I am not some superhero spiritual person that has a secret phone line to God.  My only explanation here is that GOD SHOWED UP because I sat still in His presence long enough to listen.  As a result, while we sat in that cell together I felt overcome with love for them.  I wanted them to be free and to experience the love of Jesus in their life.  I wanted them to be whole.  I looked into her mama's eyes and begged her to fight because her little girl needs her in her life.  I told her about how sweet her baby is and how I think she has her eyes.  "Do you really think so?" She said through her tears.  Her tenderness toward Jeff and I was astounding.

God's presence in that place was undeniable.

When the meeting was over everyone got up and walked out so they could move mama out and daddy in for our meeting with him.  I waited till everyone left and walked over and hugged her.  It is one of the few times in my life that I heard God tell me to do something very specific.  An image of me hugging her had flashed into my mind as I read His Word that morning and I heard Him say it again in my spirit as I sat there.   So I did.  She wept on my shoulder and I whispered in her ear, "It's time to fight.  You've got to fight for this."  I just held her for several seconds before the guard came in to get her.

Our meeting with daddy went well.  Jeff talked to him first and he was very respectful.  Every time we spoke to him he had tears in his eyes.  Before we left I felt like his baby girl would want him to know something if her 15 year old self could be in that room.  I said to him, "Regardless of what the months and years ahead will bring, you will ALWAYS be a huge part of her life.  You are a piece of her puzzle.  She needs you. Please please please write to her."  He nodded with tears in his eyes and we both shook his hand before we left.

I held in all of my emotion (that is a miracle) until I got back in the van.  I sat there and wept.  WHAT IS THIS?  Less than a week ago I had no idea these people existed and today I have been dropped right into the middle of their lives and brokenness.  We are caring for their baby that was born days earlier.  This is surreal.

I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  I feel pretty sure I will be mad and my heart will resist wanting to pray for their freedom at times.  I may love their little girl so much that I don't want her to leave.  I may not feel like their progress and effort is deserving of her.  I know this is going to be gut wrenching and hard down the road.  I will have to die to myself over and over.  I will need others to hold my arms up in the battle.  You with me friends?  I am even more sure of this:  The God who loves me and loves them will not abandon me or leave my heart broken.  He may crush me so that someone else can find eternal life, but He will bind me up should that happen.  If I am honest, I think that would be the most beautiful way this story could play out.  Guarding my heart used to mean protecting myself from heartbreak.  I have learned better over the last ten years.  No one is exempt from heartbreak no matter how we try to insulate ourselves from it.  God says if we will follow Him we must take up our cross...and die.  This is for His glory, our good, and so others might know this Love too.  Anything that will make my heart more like His will never be wasted.  I believe this.  You may call me crazy, but at least you know why.

He is not safe, but HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task The Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of His grace.  Acts 20:24

Holding A Miracle

There is an ebb and flow to life.  We all experience this. There are calm seasons and there are busy seasons.  Sometimes things gradually change and sometimes your world is turned upside down in a day. You remember how I started my last post? 

 "It has been pretty calm here on the home front..."  

That makes me laugh in my head every time I read it.  Over the last week our world has changed so fast my head is spinning.  Most of you already know, but in case you don't, we got our first foster care placement last Saturday afternoon. I was standing in line to pay at the salon and saw that I had a voice mail.  A caseworker from our county's children's division left a message.  She wanted to know if we would be interested in fostering a baby girl who had just been born on Wednesday.  She had been exposed to unsafe things during pregnancy but was doing great.  She was going to be released on Saturday.  Jeff had also received a phone call about it and sent me a text saying to call him ASAP.  (If I use all caps it just means I am saying it with emphasis or a little more emotion.  If Jeff uses all caps it means the sky is falling or we just won a million dollars.)  I would have been alarmed if I didn't already know what it was about.  I called him back we decided in about 10 seconds that our answer was yes. I hung up the the phone and let it sink in.

We are getting a baby tomorrow.  WE ARE GETTING A BABY TOMORROW.

I felt excited and scared...happy and sad.  My mental checklist kicked into high gear and I went straight to Target.  I paced the aisles waiting for the caseworker to call and tell me what size of diapers to buy and what kind of formula she needed.  Our friends rallied and helped us get what we needed on short notice and people prayed.  If ever I have felt like others were praying for me, it has been over the last week.  There have been so many ways that He has provided, worked out details, and given us peace that passes understanding.

We walked into a very quiet hospital on Saturday afternoon and met a caseworker and nurse who had us go to an unoccupied room.  They wheeled baby girl in the room and began walking us through the discharge information.  I didn't get to have a super special moment of doting and crying over her like I wanted.  It was all business.  She gave us a checklist of health symptoms to watch for, gave us minimal information about her birth mom, told us she was a good eater and handed us an envelope for the pediatrician.  They walked us down, we put her in the van, and off we went.  WHOA.  Just like when we took Micah home from the hospital, I felt very unprepared to be leaving the hospital with her.  Nonetheless, the wheels were turning and this is what we signed up for...the unknown.  Just so you all know, we are okay with that.  The road ahead is going to be wonderful, difficult and scary. We are going to fall in love with this little girl and we have no idea how it will all end.

But we know one thing.  She is a miracle. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you  when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:13-16

Slacking and Soccer

Hi all.  It has been pretty calm here on the home front over the last few weeks.  I thought I would go ahead and give you an update since I feel this insatiable need to say SOMETHING.

We got our first foster care placement call yesterday but it wasn't a good fit.  It was for a 6 year old boy who has several diagnoses.  It would be a disaster for him to land at this address.  It was still hard to say no.  It did hit me today when I walked into the spare/baby room that we are NOT ready.  We don't even have a mattress people.  PANIC.  Someone, who shall remain nameless, didn't like the one I bought last week.  As if I had time to do research whilst shopping with a 1 and 2 year old.  Pshhhh.  I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to buy one that day.  I get in a mood to get things done every once in a while.  Two toddlers in tow with a cart full of groceries?  Whatever, I'm doing this.  The next day I can't even get a load of laundry done because it's just TOO MUCH.  Anyone else?  No?  Anyway, I forgot about the mattress, the room, and everything in it after that day.  And then I walked into this a while ago.  

 

The picture doesn't do it justice, but this room has become a catch all for toys and I have cleared out exactly zero closet or drawer space for another child.  I called Jeff and declared a state of emergency.  We have to get this in order before we get another call.  I don't want to think about choking hazards, a mattress, closet space, or clearing a path just to get to the bed on the day another small child comes to live with us.  This weekend is go time.  

I also have a kid who just finished playing his first sport and will have one year of school under his belt in a few short weeks.  My baby boy.
 

You guys, this makes me so happy and sad all at the same time.  I know you get why.  I have more vivid memories of Micah's babyhood because he was the only one around.  I savored it.  He pulls at my sentimental heart strings to the max.  He also has the special ability to make me mad faster than the other two, but the one helps balance out the other.  He is still young, but I already love who he is becoming.  He may turn out more like his dad than I originally thought.  The world will be the better for it too.  In reflection over his soccer season I would say I have two observations.  1) I am still competitive and will be clasping my hand over my mouth A LOT in the years to come.  He is only six and playing a sport I know almost nothing about but I still want to shout helpful phrases like..."Turn it!"  "Kick it Micah!  "You don't have to take turns right now!"  "Pay attention!" Once he looked at me when I told him to hustle and just shook his head no.  Oh my goodness. :)  He doesn't have the fire in his eye...yet.  Jeff's genetics seem to be winning at the moment (why is everything about winning?) but I'm holding out hope for basketball.   2) He ended up scoring 2 goals in the last 2 games!!!  You might guess that to be the highlight of his season, but getting a medal and hanging out with his friends actually seemed to be the best part.  I will  leave you with the proof. 

                                      

Where's the game?  Who cares.  Do you love how they have the whole bench but are RIGHT next to each other?  They will be too cool to sit that close to someone in a few years, but I love how they don't care right now.
  

Micah's friend is pretty reserved and doesn't walk around grinning from ear to ear, but Micah just brings out the silly in him. I asked him what he says to get him to smile or laugh so much.  Micah said, "I tell him jokes!"  Of course. :)

This is our note to play.

Today I want to invite you to gather around our "table" for a good heart to heart about why we are going to jump into something that is almost guaranteed to be messy and hard. 

Foster care.

It's about to get real.  By the beginning of May our phone could ring and our family may grow from 5 to 6...for a weekend, a month, or forever.  Most people have been overwhelmingly supportive of our decision to be a foster family, and those who don't like the idea have at least been kind enough to keep their criticism to themselves (or share it with someone other than us).  I appreciate the restraint.:)  I understand why it seems risky, crazy, or why some think we have enough kids already.  

I completely agree with you, but we are doing it anyway.  

We are trading in our low risk, comfortable life for something we believe is better.  Jeff and I don't love hardship, trials, or seeing our kids miss out on some things anymore than the next person.  Honestly, as of yet, the cost of following Jesus has not required hardship or much sacrifice from us. While we know this will be hard and that our financial picture will change so I can stay home to care for our kids +1, we are far from hardship or suffering.  All we want to do is obey what we believe God is asking us to do.  We put our "yes" on the table when we chose to follow Him.  We're not better than anyone, just normal people who are surrendered to Jesus.  He wants to use all of us in the place where we live and work, with the unique gifts and passions He has given us to be a demonstration of His love and Truth to those around us.  Sometimes He asks us to go somewhere very far from home and sometimes He asks us to stay right where we are.  

We each have a note to play in the most breathtaking song that will ever be played to the hearts of mankind.  

Although I do not know what the future holds, I feel sure that we have been given our note to play in this next season of life.  We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus to babies and toddlers who need someone to risk their hearts being broken so that theirs can find healing, or stay in tact.  Kids who come into foster care are scared.  They are not in control of anything going on around them or to them.  They cannot defend themselves.  Other grown-ups have to be willing to make the phone call to get them help.  Others have to come up with a plan and provide accountability for their parents to get clean or a grip on other issues spinning out of control in their lives.  Others have the job of looking through tons of paperwork, hearing two sides of the story, and then deciding what is best for a kid they do not know.  Others have to be willing to open their home and welcome a wounded soul into their lives and all the mess that comes with neglect and abuse.  There are even more people on the team, believe it or not, but their roles are still a little muddy.  We'll figure it out as we go, I guess.

The bottom line is that there are children who, with no intervention, will suffer abuse their entire life, if they survive it.  Chances are good that they will repeat the cycle and the brokenness will continue.  That is the only reality they know.  Those of us who have never experienced this are blessed beyond measure.  To know that we are loved and never wonder if we will have our basic needs met is but a dream for some.  While every scenario of abuse and neglect is complicated and different, I cannot live like it isn't happening. I cannot shake my head at the news when these stories are told and continue insulating my life from their pain.  I cannot live my life and say that I love like Jesus loves if I choose to do nothing.  This has been my crossroad.  I was in a pile of tears every time this came up for a while.  And it seemed to come up everywhere, all of the time. Thankfully, Jeff came to this crossroad with me...in less dramatic fashion. He just quietly said yes when God began stirring our hearts.  Big surprise, right?

We know this will affect our kids.  We will do our best to protect them from harm, but I have no doubt that some aspects of this will be hard for them.  They will have to share their home, toys, and parents' attention with someone else.  There will be more tears and raw emotions inside of our walls.  They will learn to love a little boy or girl and then have to say goodbye.  Their childlike belief that the world is a kind place will be challenged by the reality that not all grown-ups are safe.  And maybe, just maybe, God will use this to turn their hearts toward Him and they will learn to love like He loves along the way.  I want to protect them but I want to trust God with their hearts even more.  If He intends this for our good, then He will use it for their good too.  If it becomes unhealthy, we promise to pull the plug.

So, here we are.  We stand in the doorway of the next season of our life.  We have completed paperwork, classes, and home study visits.  We will sign on one final dotted line in the next couple of weeks and then wait for a phone call.  I have butterflies in my stomach.  I know this has the potential to be the most difficult thing we have ever walked through, but also the most beautiful.  
 

"But don't just listen to God's word.  You must do what it says.  Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.  For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror.  You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.  But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.  If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.  Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  James 1:22-27 NLT

What is your note to play?  Whatever it is, play your heart out. 

 

 

 

Dynamite Comes in Small Packages

Over the last week, three Facebook posts have been thanks to a 24 pound, blond hair, blue eyed, two and a half year old little girl who lives in this house.  The third born of meek and mild Carson children. Here is a recap... 

Angela Marie Carson

April 8

NURSES or experienced parents: Ella just split her lip open pretty good. It seemed decently deep but the swelling it closing it shut now and the bleeding has slowed down. Top middle part of her lip. Do they usually do stitches in the mouth or do you think it will heal? I can message a picture if you want. I am so sick of urgent care right now so I am asking you guys first.

Angela Marie Carson

April 10

By 8 a.m. Ella was about 3 seconds away from a trip to the ER and a call to poison control. And while I panic she has this smirk on her face I wish you could see. Help us Jesus...help us BOTH survive her childhood. I am 100% not kidding.

Angela Marie Carson

7 hours ago

In this week's edition of "What's Wrong Now?" Ella kicks things off with hives from head to toe. They appeared after we went outside yesterday and she didn't eat anything new. Any guesses?

  

Not all weeks are like this, but some are.  Adding to my dizziness on this merry go round of sickness our kids have been riding, Ella adds to the excitement with daring tricks and rashes that no one can figure out. This little package of dynamite came rushing into the world just 16 1/2 months after her big sister.  The clock struck midnight on her due date, which happened to be our seventh anniversary, and she barely let us make it to the hospital. Her whole first nine months of existence could be described by the phrase, "not as planned." 

Look at all those baby faces.

I knew it would be funny someday when we looked back on it, and it is.  At the time, even with genuine thankfulness in your heart for the life you carry, it's hard to see the humor in God's timing while you barely survive 2 months of nausea with unrelenting toddlers living in your house.  It was really a barrel of laughs trying to keep three needy children alive for the next year in a constant state of exhaustion.  Listen, they weren't more needy than other kids, they were just normal.  At the ripe old age of 4, 1 1/2, and brand spanking new, you don't possess a lot of life skills. You know, like the ability to dress yourself, wipe yourself, feed yourself, bathe yourself, get in a car by yourself, reach things for yourself, keep your hands to yourself, entertain yourself, see the needs of anyone but yourself, STAY IN BED BY YOURSELF...x3...you catch my flow?  I wasn't sure I was going to survive Ella's first year of life.  There were too many of them and too few of me.  Jeff couldn't quit his job to be home with me all of the time because then we wouldn't have a home.  This was my dilemma...sanity or a home to live in?  I'm only slightly exaggerating.  

Nothing but a good time.  I'm so glad I caught this on camera. :)

The second year of Ella's life brought some good things back into our life, like sleep and a stronger marriage (that's another post).  However, other things started to disappear from our lives, like knowing Ella wasn't climbing to the top of something the second you turned around.  She is a mixed bag of low maintenance living and a near heart attack. This super baby would fall asleep in the middle of the floor, lights on, and chaos surrounding her all of the time.  She also has an uncanny ability to go without food, by choice.  Ask anyone who I left her with as a baby and they may still be in a bad mood about having a full bottle and a baby who refused to drink it for hours on end.  I'm still sorry.  I have always joked that she could survive life on the streets with this skill set.  She doesn't need much to eat and she can sleep anywhere.  She also loves standing with her toes over the edge of high places, going fast, and seeing panic in her parent's eyes.  And this kid is witty. Even before she could verbalize her sense of humor she would smile after doing something ornery.  You could tell she knew she was being funny.  I cannot express how much I love who she is.  She makes me laugh even when I want to be mad.  I cannot wait to see who she will become as she grows up.  I hope God uses her passion and fearlessness for His glory.  Maybe she will turn out to be the most laid back kid of them all and this will be hilarious to look back on.  Dear God, please just let her make it to adulthood so we can.

Famous Last Words

"I WILL NEVER..." The famous last words most people choke on at some point in their life.  So help me, I'm choking on them now. "The world doesn't need another blog," I said.  It doesn't, still.  I am doing this to help myself process things and see humor in otherwise frustrating events of life, but anyone who wants to keep up with our family is welcome to read (all 5 of you probably...let's be real).  I want to remember the funny, difficult, and memorable moments.  The problem is that my memory has been on vacation since I started having kids.  I don't count on it coming home since it packed its bags and waved goodbye over six years ago.  I imagine it must be somewhere warm and wonderful with luxurious things like spontaneous dates, sleeping in, and going to the bathroom by itself...ahhhhhh...what bliss.  Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I LOVE MY LIFE and I am terrible at keeping up with scrapbooks and journals so this may fall flat on it's face.  At the very least, I am going to give it a good ole college try.

So, without further ado....

I present to you...

My blog.

You're welcome world.

I mean, thanks for reading.